LORD ARTHUR SAVILE’S CRIME
———-
A new musical
based on the short story
LORD ARTHUR SAVILE’S CRIME
by
Oscar Wilde
Book by
Kirby Ward and Beverly Ward
Music and Lyrics by
Beverly Ward
Bev and Kirby Ward
214 Jordan Ave
Ventura, CA 93001
(203) 434-6120
kirbydw@mac.com
© Copyright Bev and Kirby Ward
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
AUTHORS’ NOTE
The play can be performed by as few as 9 actors, or an ensemble and full company of lead actors can be incorporated. The breakdown provided is merely the Authors’ suggestion. The only characters who should not play other roles are Arthur and Sybil.
The show should flow effortlessly from location to location.
Set pieces should be sparse so as to keep scene changes as
nimble as possible.
If the lyrics in script differ from what is sung on the demo CD,
the script is correct.
CHARACTER BREAKDOWN
LORD ARTHUR SAVILE – Sincere and forthright, though slightly inept. Honorable to a fault, even when his sense of duty is terribly misguided. Desperately in love with Sybil. (The actor should look like a leading man/hero, but must be a true clown, capable of terrific physical comedy)
SYBIL MERTON – Arthur’s fiancé. Beautiful and sweet but no drippy fool. She is straightforward and innocent but anxious for the physical side of married life. (Like Arthur, the actor should look like an ingenue, but must be a fearless comedienne)
SAUNDERS – Arthur’s valet and stalwart companion. Devoted to his job and his employer. He performs his duties with pride and dignity, though sometimes he can get overwrought.
PODGERS – Short and round, possibly with an overly groomed mustache. Slightly prissy lover of the finer things. He has a very nasty streak that comes out in the end.
LADY CLEMENTINA CLARKE – A horrid old woman. She is Arthur and Reggie’s second cousin. Elderly, crotchety and miserable.
ROLPH – Lady Clem’s butler. Even older than she is and the slowest person on earth.
REGGIE – Arthur’s younger brother. A playboy with no responsibilities or ambitions in life except to have a “ripping good time!”
MRS. MERTON – Sybil’s overbearing mother. Loves her daughter, but is demanding and uptight. She doesn’t care if Sybil loves Arthur – she’s more interested in the suitability of the match.
MR. MERTON – Sybil’s father. A man’s man. Good humored. Handles his wife with a wink and a chuckle. He likes Arthur very much.
IGOR IVANOVICH – A revolutionary of unspecific Eastern European descent. Looks and sounds dark and imposing, but is actually friendly and kind. Speaks with a thick accent.
HERR WINCKELKOPF – German bomb maker. He’s both eccentric and intimidating, but with the soul of a little child. Loves playing with his “toys”.
THE DEAN OF CHICHESTER – A presumptuous, insufferable practical joker. Says insulting and inappropriate things without batting an eye.
DUCHESS OF PAISLEY – An old, wealthy, and privileged biddy.
SIR THOMAS KNIGHT – Professed bachelor, with a hopeless romantic buried deep inside.
DR. SMYTHESON – A proper English doctor.
GUNTHER – A strange little creature of a man with a thick German accent and a nasty disposition. Has trouble modulating his voice. He’s loud.
ALICE and LUCY – The Dean’s two daughters. Strangely perky and presumptuous. Played by the same women who play Mrs. Merton and Lady Wakefield, acting as if they’re in their teens. The result should be very unbecoming.
BILLY, THE BARMAN – Friendly bartender at the Men’s Club.
EXECUTOR – Businesslike and straightforward.
MINISTER – Presides over a funeral. Sonorous, monotone voice.
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
Act One
Prologue
LONDON. 1898. IT IS EVENING.
SONG #1: SUNDAY AFTER NEXT
Aristocrats
(Reading invitations)
“Mr. and Mrs. Wilfred Merton
Cordially invite you
To celebrate the announcement
Of their daughter’s engagement
Join them this evening
Offer your goodwill
To the lucky sybil merton
And lord Arthur Savile”
All over London, the upper class gossip.
Aristocrats
Heaven knows I knew they’d marry
I was right, right from the start
Anyone could see she’d turned his head
We, the favored few will watch them wed
Sunday after next
Ladies
TheY’RE a him and her to die for
What a duo to behold
Gentlemen
She’s as fair of face as he is rich
All
What a lovely sight to see them hitch
Sunday after next
Gentlemen
There was never really any question
Ladies
Except how long he’d wait to propose
All
There’s Young men who’d wait until she’s twenty
And the bloom is off the rose
Ladies
But he’s asked
Gentlemen
And she’s accepted
all
So the wedding bells will chime
Ladies
Hear the pretty peaLS
All
AND TOSS that rice
As the precious love-birds Roll the dice
Sunday after next
MUSIC CONTINUES. Segue to…
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
Scene One
LORD ARTHUR’S London flat.
SAUNDERS – a manservant – prepares Arthur’s clothes for the evening.
Saunders
(Calling to Arthur OS)
A quarter past eight, sir!
LORD ARTHUR enters in a state of undress. He fiddles with his tie as he speaks excitedly.
Arthur
Damn, damn, damn! This tie! I seem to have traded my fingers for thumbs tonight. Saunders, lend me a hand, won’t you?!
SAUNDERS
Certainly, sir.
(helping him with his tie)
Prenuptial jitters, I expect.
ARTHUR
I can’t seem to think of anything else these days. Are you married, Saunders?
Saunders
Not so you’d notice, sir.
Arthur
Haven’t you even a shred of romance in you?
Saunders
Some people would say marriage has little to do with romance, Sir.
Arthur
Well, some people are fools!
Arthur continues to dress as he happily sings.
Arthur (cont’d)
one short fortnight
two weeks longer
fourteen days until I wed
think of all that lies ahead
starting Sunday, Sunday after next
She’ll be tender
I’ll be steadfast
Faithful man and doting wife
set for model married life
Starting Sunday, Sunday after next
On the Sunday after next
life, at last, begins
With a vow to share our hearts and minds
Sunday after next
Not a nothing, no-one,
None can break the tie that binds
(spoken)
For better, not worse.
(Sings)
I can see it
all so clearly
from day one ’til “death us do part”
i’ll be head and she’ll be heart
starting Sunday
Sunday after next
He’s ready.
Arthur
(to Saunders)
Well, I’m off!
MUSIC CONTINUES. Arthur exits his flat, on his way to the party.
Immediate segue to…
Scene Two
MR. and mrs. merton’S home
Lights up on THE MERTON HOME. The party is imminent. MRS. & MR. MERTON enter and meet.
Mrs. Merton
Willy! Where on earth is Sybil? Our guests will arrive any minute.
(calling)
Sybil?!
SYBIL MERTON appears.
Sybil
Here, Mamá.
Mrs. Merton
Well, where’s Arthur?
Sybil
He’ll be here.
Mr. Merton.
I’m certain the boy won’t miss his own engagement party. Ha ha!
Sybil giggles.
Mrs. Merton
(to Sybil and Mr. Merton)
Shhh. Now both of you, listen to me. Best behavior tonight. I have assembled only the most interesting in all of London. Six Cabinet Ministers, the Princess Sophia of Carlsrüh…
Sybil
I do hope she talks bad French at the top of her voice…
Mrs. Merton
(to Sybil, admonishing)
Best behavior!
(resuming her list)
Three popular preachers…
Mr. Merton
(Making a joke)
Only two if you count the Dean of Chichester.
Mrs. Merton
Willy!
(back to the list)
At least four violent Radicals…
Mr. Merton
Only three…
Sybil and MR. Merton
(spoken together)
…if you count the Dean of Chichester.
Mrs. Merton
(back to Mr. Merton)
That is really quite enough! The two of you are like children! After all the trouble I’ve gone to, does no-one care what the world thinks of us but me?
Sybil
(singing)
Dear Mamá, how you do fret
There’s No need! We’re ready, the servants all set
Papá will stop his smirking
we’ll none of us be shirking
We’ll pitch right in and see things go as planned
Meantime take a look at you
you’re Gorgeous, perfection, not a seam askew
MRS. MERTON
Now, stop.
Sybil
I’m taking it for granted
Our guests will be enchanted
ARTHUR enters the Merton home triumphantly, just on time.
Sybil (cont’d)
And Arthur’s just in time to take my hand!
Arthur
(To Sybil, hands outstretched)
Darling!
MRS. MERTON
(to Arthur)
You’re nearly late.
Arthur kisses Sybil’s hands as the doors are flung open. The party guests enter. Arthur, Sybil and the Mertons greet them graciously. Everyone sings.
Guests (Gentleman and Ladies)
Heaven knows I knew they’d marry
I was right from the start
They’re a him-and-her to die for
Fairly Made for the part
Anyone could see she’d turned his head
There was not a doubt that they would wed
There was Never any question
There was never any question
There was never any question
but how long He’d wait to state his heart
Arthur
I can see it
all so clearly
from day one
’til “death us do part”
i’ll be head and
she’ll be heart
all
COME THAT SUNDAY
what god has joined
no man can put asunder
Sunday after next
DIRECT SEGUE…
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
Scene Two-A
THE MERTON HOME. CONTINUED FROM BEFORE.
The Mertons and their guests are gathered around Sybil and Arthur, glasses raised.
Mr. merton
A toast! To our beloved Sybil, and the fine young man she’s chosen to marry.
(A murmur of ‘Hear! Hear!” from the group)
May they live a long, healthy and happy life as man and wife.
GUESTS/ALL
(Ad lib)
Cheers! Salud! To the happy couple! Etc…
Mrs. Merton
Now please, don’t go too far. We have a little entertainment planned just before dinner. Until then, drink, dance and enjoy yourselves.
(To the musicians)
Maestro…
The orchestra strikes up a waltz.
SONG #2: THIS IS LIFE (No Demo)
The guests mingle and dance.
Mrs. Merton
(To Sybil and Arthur)
You two, don’t spend the evening mooning in a corner. Mingle while I find my pet Cheiromantist, Mr. Podgers.
She surveys the crowd.
Arthur
Your what?
Mrs. Merton
My Cheiromantist. I seem to have misplaced him. Willy, help me dig him up?
(to Sybil and Arthur as she exits)
Mingle!
Mrs. Merton goes. Mr. Merton watches her, then turns to Sybil and Arthur, conspiratorially.
Mr. Merton
Last I checked, there was no one on the terrace.
He winks and Sybil laughs.
Sybil
You’re a dear.
MRS. MERTON (OS)
Willy!
MR. MERTON
Coming, my sweet!
He exits.
SYBIL
Quick. There’s something I must tell you.
She sweeps him away. The scene shifts…
OUT ONTO THE TERRACE.
SYBIL (CONT’D)
Alone at last.
Arthur
What could possibly require such privacy?
She pulls him to her and kisses him. They part and she beams at him. He’s blushing but entranced.
Arthur (CONT’D)
This is exactly why we need a chaperone. You’ve no idea how lucky you are that I’m a man of principles.
She reaches for him again. He backs away.
Arthur (cont’d)
Now, keep your distance. I’m not made of metal.
Sybil laughs but obliges.
Sybil
Oh, darling, who’s luckier than us? This great big world and yet we found one another!
Arthur
Well, I do live just three doors down.
Sybil
Yes, but you might have been a tiresome boor.
Arthur
To be honest…I believe fate brought us together that day on the tower bridge – the day your hat blew over the rail.
Sybil
I don’t believe in fate.
Arthur
You don’t?
Sybil
(Shaking her head)
Mm mmm.
Arthur
Then how do you explain that chance encounter?
Sybil
Didn’t you notice? There wasn’t a breeze that day.
Arthur
You mean, you…
He makes a throwing motion. She nods.
Sybil
(Glowing)
We make our own good fortune.
Arthur
My god, you’re beautiful.
Sybil
(sings)
This is life, all stunning surprises
Twists and turns One cannot foresee
life,
Where you find that the man who lives just three doors down
Loves no one, but me
This is life, so simple and splendid
love and light one should not resist
life,
There is only this moment, The moment you realize
you live to be kissed
Come, feel my heart
Like a runaway carriage
And I’m just along for the ride
Every bump is a thrill
May it never stand still
We’ll meet it wide-eyed
life
This is life, the starlight above us
waltz beneath a rapturous moon
life,
Ev’ry breeze seems to whisper that “Arthur
Loves sybil,”
my favorite tune
This is life,
Here, In your arms
I am better, I’m stronger
No longer a child, But a wife
And we’ll soon be alone
There’ll be no chaperone
You and I On our own
She has worked her way into Arthur’s arms but Mrs. Merton interrupts from the other room.
Mrs. Merton (OS)
Sybil!
Sybil
(she shrugs at her mother’s bad timing)
life
Mrs. Merton (OS)
(entering)
There you are! Come and kiss the Duchess of Paisley.
SYBIL
I’d rather stay and kiss Arthur.
Mrs. Merton
(with a tone of warning)
That’s exactly why you’re coming with me.
They exit. IGOR IVANOVICH, an imposing, Eastern-European, joins Arthur on the terrace.
IGOR
So. Tonight, you are not a stag like me?
ARTHUR
I beg your pardon?
IGOR
You are guest of horror, eh?
ARTHUR
I’m so sorry. Have we met? I’m Lord Arthur Savile.
IGOR
Yes, yes. I know who you are. Your reputation is proceeding you. Tonight we celebrate your nipples.
ARTHUR
Uh…My…nipples?
IGOR
Yes. Your wedding?
ARTHUR
Ah! Nuptials?
IGOR
That is what I said. But you do not know of me. I introduce myself!
(snap of his heels)
Igor Ivanovich.
(he presents Arthur with his card)
Please, to be calling on me should you want my services.
ARTHUR
What is it that you do?
IGOR
I perform many duties for the peoples seeking to change their political situations by aggressive means.
ARTHUR
(Awed. Intrigued)
Oh! You’re a revolutionary?
(Igor bows)
How terribly exciting. But dangerous, no?
IGOR
Well, I married these three years ago. Now my wife says no to danger so I too must say no to danger. This you are understanding very soon, Lord Arthur.
The DEAN OF CHICHESTER approaches.
DEAN
Arthur!
ARTHUR
Uncle John.
DEAN
Will you not shake my hand, son!?
Arthur shakes the Dean’s hand and spasms as if his finger is in a light socket.
ARTHUR
Uuuunnnghh!!
Arthur pulls his hand away, aghast. The Dean laughs.
DEAN
Got you a good one there, eh? My newest invention!
He pulls back his coat to display complicated gadgetry.
DEAN (CONT’D)
Rather ingenious, really. See? It’s a series of batteries I’ve attached to these wires here which connect to conducting plates in my glove. Quite a jolt, what? Perhaps I should shake Sybil’s hand! A good jolt might bring her to her senses — show her what a terrible mistake she’s making marrying you! Hahahaha!
(He looks down at Arthur’s hand)
You might want to put some ice on that.
(Arthur’s stomach is turning)
Forgot you’re the squeamish type. Buck up. It’s all in fun. The Good Lord loves a laugh!
(He turns and calls to another guest nearby)
Wilfred, old man! Shake my hand, sir!
He moves on. Arthur turns back to Igor.
ARTHUR
The Dean of Chichester. He’s a bit of a prankster.
IGOR
He is man of cloth?
ARTHUR
Surprising, isn’t it.
IGOR
I do not like him.
ARTHUR
He’s not all bad.
IGOR
I beg to differ. If he continues to be prankster, call on me.
(Conspiratorial and dangerous)
I know people who know people.
ARTHUR
(taken aback)
I’m sure that won’t be necessary.
IGOR
(back to sunny)
Not necessary. Of course.
Mr. and Mrs. Merton take center stage.
Mrs Merton
Everyone! Everyone, please! May I have your attention.
Arthur and Igor join the guests.
Mrs. Merton (Cont’d)
Before we go in to dinner, I have a bit of entertainment for you. I am pleased to have you meet Mr. Podgers.
MR. PODGERS steps out of the crowd and bows.
MRS. Merton (CONT’D)
He’s graciously agreed to offer his services to all of you, which is quite a treat. Mr. Podgers is the world’s most renowned Cheiromantist.
DUCHESS OF PAISLEY
A cheiro-what-ist? I’m certainly not letting anyone examine my feet!
Mrs. Merton
No, no, my darling Duchess. A Cheiro-MAN-tist – not a Cheiro-PO-dist. He is interested in your hand. Mr. Podgers is a palm reader. As we are here to celebrate Sybil and Arthur’s future, I thought everyone should have a peek at their own.
A murmur in the crowd.
SIR THOMAS
Stuff and bosh. Hocus Pocus, my dear Lady.
Mr. POdgers
The art of Cheiromancy is not bosh. It is a science. I have spent years studying the anatomy of the human hand and I have made an extraordinary discovery. The shape of one’s hand holds enormous clues to future events.
SIR THOMAS
Ridiculous.
SONG #3: WHAT’S TO BE (No demo for intro)
MR. PODGERS
(sings mystically)
To the common man my gift may seem implausible
but for those with eyes to see, the future’s plain
I need only take your hand to know the path you’ll walk
indulge me and allow me to explain
MR. PODGERS (CONT’D)
(speaking)
A hand might be…
(speaks to music)
Spatulate, elemental, philosophical or fixed…
(sings)
ARTISTIC, SPIRITUALISTIC OR MIXED
THE SHAPE OF EVERY HAND SUGGESTS THE NATURE OF IT’S WEARER
FROM MILD TO WILD AND EVERYTHING IN BETWIXT
IMAGINE GOD IS JUST LIKE A PLAYWRIGHT
PENNING LINES FOR YOU AND ME
HE WRITES THEM Here WHERE ANYONE MIGHT SEE
INSCRIBED THERE ON YOUR PALM IS THE ANSWER TO ALL QUERIES
FROM WHAT HAS GONE TO WHAT IS YET TO BE
IF YOU’RE SPATULATE HANDED THE CHANCES ARE GOOD
YOU’RE HAPPIER THAN MOST
TEMPER PLAGUES THE ELEMENTALS
PHILOSOPHICALS JUST THE REVERSE
ARTISTIC IS SELF-EXPLANATORY, SPIRITUALISTIC TOO
BUT IF YOUR PALM IS MIXED
YOUR MOODS MIGHT WELL BE DUBBED PERVERSE
dean
(spoken in tempo)
Perverse?
DUCHESS
Did he say Perverse?
Sir thomas
I say this whole thing is Perverse.
PODGERS
YOU TAKE THE SHAPE OF HAND AND ADD THE LINES
OF THE HEART AND HEAD AND LIFE
YOUR SCRIPT IS THERE AND EASILY READ BY ME
YOU’RE STARRING IN A PERSONAL PLAY OF JOY OR MAYBE STRIFE
ARE YOU BRAVE ENOUGH TO ASK?
ENSEMBLE
BRAVE ENOUGH TO ASK!
PODGERS
IF YOU’VE COURAGE ENOUGH TO ASK ME I’LL DIVULGE
WHAT’S TO BE
Podgers inspects the proffered hands of various guests.
PODGERS (CONT’D)
(speaking in tempo)
YOU’RE HAND IS PHILOSOPHICAL,
AND YOU’RE APT TO LOSE YOUR HAT
THE SHAPE OF YOUR PALM IS FIXED,
AND I’M SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR CAT
ARTISTIC, AND QUITE THE CAD…
SPIRITUALISTIC, AND A WIT…
MIXED AND FIXED COMBINE TO SAY
YOU DON’T LIKE THE BALLET ONE BIT!
DEAN OF CHICHESTER
He’s right! I hate the ballet!
The guests react -”It’s amazing.” “How does he do it?” etc…
ENSEMBLE
I MIGHT BE SPATULATE, ELEMENTAL, PHILOSOPHICAL OR FIXED
ARTISTIC, SPIRITUALISTIC OR MIXED
THE SHAPE OF EVERY HAND SUGGESTS THE NATURE OF IT’S WEARER
FROM MILD TO WILD AND EVERYTHING IN BETWIXT
PODGERS
YOU TAKE THE SHAPE OF HAND
AND ADD THE LINES
OF THE HEART AND HEAD AND LIFE
YOUR SCRIPT IS THERE
AND EASILY READ BY ME
ENSEMBLE
WE’RE STARRING IN A PERSONAL PLAY
OF JOY OR MAYBE STRIFE
PODGERS
ARE YOU BRAVE ENOUGH TO ASK?
ENSEMBLE
BRAVE ENOUGH TO ASK
PODGERS
IF YOU’VE COURAGE ENOUGH TO ASK ME
I’LL DIVULGE
ENSEMBLE
HE’LL DIVULGE
HE’LL DIVULGE
PODGERS
WHAT’S TO BE!
All applaud and talk at once.
DUCHESS
It all sounds so thrilling. May I be first?
PODGER
Of course, madame…
The Duchess offers her hand. The music once again becomes eerie.
SONG #2A: WHAT’S TO BE UNDERSCORE (no demo)
Mr. Podgers launches into a mystical, monotone chant.
PODGERS (cont’d)
(an incantation)
Your Grace understands, you must ask for the knowledge I divine.
Mrs. Merton
This part is so exciting!
PODGERS
Once told, it cannot be untold. Do you willingly ask to know your future?
DUCHESS
I do. I want to know.
PODGERS
Very well. We begin.
He gazes closely at the Duchess’ palm.
PODGERS (CONT’D)
You have a decidedly spatulate shaped hand.
Mrs. Merton
If you say she has a larger Mountain of the Moon than I, and I shall never forgive you.
DUCHESS
I am certain there is nothing of the sort in my hand.
PODGERS
Quite right. No Mount of the Moon to speak of. But your Line of Life is excellent. Line of Intellect strong but not exaggerated.
DUCHESS
Thank heavens. What is more tiresome than a woman who fancies herself an intellectual?
PODGERS
Indeed. The Line of Heart —
Mrs. Merton
Now, do be indiscreet, Mr Podgers!
All laugh.
PODGERS
Would that I could, but I see only great permanence of affection combined with that noblest of British traits – a strong sense of duty.
The Duchess beams at the praise.
PODGERS (Cont’D)
(A final proclamation)
You will live to a great age, Duchess, and be extremely happy.
All applaud.
DUCHESS
Do Sir Thomas next.
ALL
Yes. Sir Thomas next. Do Sir Thomas. Etc…
SIR THOMAS
Don’t be absurd.
Mrs. Merton
Sir Thomas – be a good sport or you won’t be invited to the wedding!
SIR THOMAS
Oh, very well.
PODGERS
(the incantation again)
You understand, sir, you must ask for the knowledge I divine.
SIR THOMAS
Yes, yes…
PODGERS
Once told…
SIR THOMAS AND PODGERS
(together)
…it cannot be untold ––
SIR THOMAS
I know, I know.
Mrs. Merton
Behave, Sir Thomas.
SIR THOMAS
But it’s silly. My life is an open book. What’s to be told?
PODGERS
Do you willingly ask to know your future?
SIR THOMAS
Of course. I am not afraid.
PODGERS
Very well. We begin.
(studies his palm closely)
Elemental with a touch of Spiritualistic round the edges. An interesting combination. You have been shipwrecked three times – no, twice. You must be careful on this voyage you are considering.
Mrs. Merton
What voyage?
SIR THOMAS
There is no voyage — to speak of.
(Podgers raises his eyebrows)
Well, I hadn’t decided entirely upon going…yet.
PODGERS
The Line of the Heart is quite intriguing.
The Dean
You’ve taken a wrong turn there. Sir Thomas is and always has been a confirmed bachelor.
SIR THOMAS
(playing to the men)
Absolutely. The ways of the fairer sex are beyond my comprehension.
A knowing laugh from the men.
PODGERS
It was not always so. It is written here quite clearly. See, the strong curve of the Love Line and then the harsh break, just there. You must have been very young when you lost her…
SIR THOMAS
I…I..
PODGERS
(still studying his palm)
Ah! And whilst you were abroad. That accounts for no-one knowing. You were very much in love. Forgive me! Still are! Am I right?
SIR THOMAS
(stunned and moved)
I’ve spoken to no one of my darling Charlotte. We were secretly engaged. It was in the West Indies on my first tour of duty. But it’s impossible! No one knew! Not even mother or father!
PODGERS
Your script is there as plain as day – for those who have eyes to see. As to your future, I must warn you, I spy a surprising twist to the Love Line, here, just below the Mount of Mars.
(his final word)
You may find romance again, sir, should you remain open to the notion.
SIR THOMAS
Extraordinary.
PODGERS
Not at all. Merely a lifetime of observation.
All applaud. Arthur leans in to Mrs. Merton, confidentially.
ARTHUR
Do you think he’d…do me next?
Mrs. Merton
But of course! Mr. Podgers, look at poor Arthur here. He is absolutely on tenterhooks! You must tell him what’s to become of him and Sybil after they‘ve wed.
PODGERS
(again the routine)
You understand, sir, you must ask for the knowledge I divine.
ARTHUR
(taking it deadly serious)
Yes I do.
PODGERS and Guests
(the guests in hushed tones)
Once told, it cannot be untold —
ARTHUR
I understand.
PODGERS
Do you willingly ask to know your future?
ARTHUR
Please.
PODGERS
Very well. We begin.
Podgers looks at Arthur’s hand. A strange shudder passes through him.
Mrs. Merton
We are waiting, Mr. Podgers!
Duchess of paisley
Perhaps Arthur’s had a secret engagement in the West Indies as well?
All laugh.
Mrs. Merton
Shush! I want to hear!
Podgers drops Arthur’s right hand and seizes his left, pulling it right up to his face.
ARTHUR
Well? Mr. Podgers?
Visibly shaken, Podgers looks up and addresses the crowd.
PODGERS
It is the hand of a charming young man.
Mrs. Merton
And? What else? What shape is it?
Podgers swallows hard and looks back at Arthur’s hand.
PODGERS
Uh, mixed, my dear lady.
The crowd murmurs “mixed!” Podgers continues awkwardly.
PODGERS (CONT’D)
But he is – he is a most normal, natural young fellow.
Mrs. Merton
Details, I want details, Podgers! What is going to happen to Lord Arthur and Sybil?
PODGERS
They will go on a voyage –
Sybil
Our honeymoon, of course. Hardly exciting news, that.
PODGERS
He will lose a relative.
Duchess of Paisley
Not his brother, I hope?
PODGERS
Certainly not. A distant relative merely.
He removes his glasses and backs away from Arthur. He’s done.
MUSIC out.
Mrs. Merton
Well, I am dreadfully disappointed. No one cares about distant relatives nowadays. They went out of fashion years ago. Let us go to supper. If we are lucky there may still be hot soup left.
Mrs. Merton sweeps Sybil off, followed by Podgers and the crowd. Arthur is left alone, standing very still, gazing down at his hand with trepidation. A moment passes.
Podgers re-enters.
SONG #4: WHAT DO I DO? (Demo exists, below)
Podgers is uncomfortable being alone with Arthur.
PODGERS
The Duchess has left her wrap behind. Ah! I see it on the sofa!
As he awkwardly tries to pass, Arthur steps in his path, blocking his exit.
ARTHUR
Mr. Podgers, I must insist you give me a straight answer to my question.
PODGERS
The Duchess — I really must go —
ARTHUR
You shall not go. Not until you tell me what you saw — here in my hand.
(he stretches his hand out to Podgers)
PODGERS
What makes you think I saw anything more than what I told you, Lord Arthur?
ARTHUR
I know you did! What do you want? I will pay you. I will give you a hundred pounds.
PODGERS
(Greedy. Starting to sweat)
One…hundred pounds?
ARTHUR
I will send the check to your club tomorrow.
PODGERS
I have no club. Not just at present. My address – but allow me to give you my card.
(he hands Arthur his card)
My hours are from ten to four, and I make a reduction for families...
ARTHUR
Be quick!
PODGERS
Very well, we begin.
ENSEMBLE (O.S.)
(Singing)
SPATULATE!
PODGERS
I must remind you, Lord Arthur…
ENSEMBLE
ELEMENTAL!
PODGERS
I am but the messenger.
ENSEMBLE
PHILOSOPHICAL!
PODGERS
The part you must play…
ENSEMBLE
FIXED!
PODGERS
It is written on your palm by a higher power.
ENSEMBLE
ARTISTIC!
PODGERS
Whether you like the role or no…
ENSEMBLE
SPIRITUALISTIC!
PODGERS
Play it you will…
ENSEMBLE
MIXED!
PODGERS
To the finish.
ENSEMBLE
MIXED!
PODGERS
Your future holds a tragedy, sir.
ENSEMBLE
MIXED!
PODGERS
You are a…
Lights out on Podgers. Abrupt transition to…
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
Scene Three
THE LONDON STREETS. IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING.
Arthur is left alone center stage in a macabre light. He is overcome with despair. The streets of London form around him in distorted detail. The inhabitants of the city – depicted in harsh and abstract fashion – point and sing. They supply the voices in his head.
ENSEMBLE
MURDERER!!!
YOU’RE A MURDERER!!!!
MURDERER!!!
YOU’RE A MURDERER!!!!
LORD ARTHUR
YOU’RE A MURDERER
LORD ARTHUR
YOU’RE A MURDERER
LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR
LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR
LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR…
ARTHUR
(sings)
HE’S MAD
IT’S A MISTAKE
I’M NO KILLER IN THE MAKING
ASK MY BROTHER HE’LL CONFIRM I’M CHICKEN-HEARTED
NO QUESTION HE’S A QUACK
SUGGESTING LIFE’S A PANTO
WHERE THE ACTION’S SET BEFORE IT’S EVEN STARTED
AND YET…
HE READS A HIST’RY IN A HAND
LIKE READING DOWN A PAGE
AND WHAT DOES SHAKESPEARE SAY?
ALL THE WORLD’S A STAGE
ENSEMBLE
(Whispered and overlapping)
Lord Arthur! Murderer! Arthur! (etc.)
ARTHUR
IT SEEMS THAT I’VE BEEN CAST
IN A ROLE I’M ILL-EQUIPPED TO BE PLAYING
THE VILLAIN
UNWILLING IN THE WINGS
ENSEMBLE
(Whispered)
LORD ARTHUR
MURDERER
ARTHUR
ARE WE ALL BUT PAWNS
WITH NO SAY AS TO THE PARTS WE’RE PORTRAYING?
JUST PUPPETS
ENSEMBLE
(Whispered and overlapping)
Puppets! Puppets! Puppets!
ARTHUR
WITH A CRUEL GOD AT THE STRINGS
WHAT DO I DO?
ENSEMBLE
MURDER
ARTHUR
WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE
ENSEMBLE
MURDER
ARTHUR
THE AWFUL KNOWING WHAT I AM
ENSEMBLE
MURDERER
ARTHUR
CAN IT BE TRUE
ENSEMBLE
MURDER
ARTHUR
THAT I’M A LION NOT A LAMB?
WHAT DO I DO?
PREPOSTEROUS TO THINK
THAT WITHIN MY SOUL A DARK FIEND LIES SLEEPING
OR WAITING
WITH A KILLERS DEADLY CALM
WHEN WILL HE AWAKE
TAKE THE STAGE TO LEAVE ME RUINED AND WEEPING?
MAKE REAL
ENSEMBLE
REAL
ARTHUR
WHAT IS WRITTEN ON MY PALM
ENSEMBLE
IT’S WRITTEN RIGHT THERE ON YOUR PALM
ARTHUR
WHAT DO I DO?
JUST ABANDON
THE HAPPY LIFE I’D DREAMED AND PLANNED?
CAN I BE TRUE TO MY HEART AND NOT MY HAND?
WHAT DO I DO?
WHAT CAN I DO?
WHEN THE CURTAIN RISES
CAN I FLEE FROM DESTINY?
ENSEMBLE
YOU, YOU, YOU’LL NOT FLEE, YOU CANNOT RUN
ARTHUR
ARE THERE COMPROMISES
BARGAINS TO BE MADE WITH FATE?
ENSEMBLE
NO BARGAIN, NO COMPROMISE
ARTHUR
I’D GIVE MY FORTUNE
TO TRADE THE PLOT ASSIGNED TO ME
PLEASE, GOD, WIPE CLEAN THIS SLATE
WHAT DO I DO?
WHAT CAN I DO?
WHAT DO I DO?
Arthur collapses in the gutter.
SONG #3A: WHAT DO I DO? REPRISE
ENSEMBLE
MURDERER
MURDERER
MURDERER
MURDERER, MURDERER
LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR
LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR
LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR —
Igor appears out of nowhere, accompanied by his COMRADES.
IGOR
Lord Arthur – ?
ARTHUR
Aaaugh!!!!!
The eerie mood is broken. The rest of the crowd disperses.
IGOR
You are not well?
Arthur recognizes Igor.
ARTHUR
(trying to remain calm)
Oh! Igor. I say. You startled me.
IGOR
What are you being here in this gutter for? Are you a snipe?
(turns to comrades)
Get it? Gutter? Snipe? It is joke, yes?
(His Comrades don’t get it)
Never mind. Why do I try?
ARTHUR
Uh…I…seem to have lost my way.
IGOR
Do you not live but three doors down from the Merton’s?
ARTHUR
Yes, yes, ha ha! Terrible sense of direction. Always have had! Ha ha! Ha ha. Well…Goodnight!
Arthur rises but stumbles.
IGOR
Please, let us be taking you home. If I speak honest, you look like death being heated up.
ARTHUR
Death warmed over?
IGOR
That is what I said. You need bed and vodka. Not maybe in that order. Come, we take you.
He hands Arthur a flask and then guides him to…
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
Scene Four
ARTHUR’S FLAT. The WEE HOURS OF THE MORNING.
Igor and his Comrades carry Arthur home, depositing him on his settee where he falls asleep. Igor and Comrades exit. During this, Saunders, holding a tray of hot cocoa, enters and approaches Arthur.
Saunder
(Gently)
Good morning, sir.
(Arthur moans but does not wake)
Eh-hem. I say good morning, sir.
(More moans. Saunders moves closer and raises his voice ever so slightly)
Sir…
Arthur stirs irritably.
ARTHUR
Good God, Saunders! No need to shout!
SAUNDERS
I do apologize, sir, but Miss Sybil and her mother sent word that they’ll be stopping by this morning. They should be here quite soon –
Arthur snaps awake immediately.
ARTHUR
What?! Sybil!? Here?!
(in a panic)
Saunders! What will I do? How will I tell her?
SAUNDERS
Tell her what, sir?
ARTHUR
(frenetically)
But surely she’ll know! She’ll see it written on my face! Oh, I am ruined! Ruined!
(crosses to doors)
Lock the doors. Don’t let anyone in –
Before Saunders can oblige, the doors fly open and REGGIE, Arthur’s younger brother, enters.
REGGIE
Rise and shine, you lifeless laggard.
ARTHUR
Reggie!
REGGIE
Give the man a gold star! He knows his own brother! I say! You look like hell. Too much vino last night?
ARTHUR
What are you doing here?
REGGIE
Taking you to Venice, you half-wit! Remember I said we’d go the moment my boat was finished? Well, the shipyard sent word this a.m. and guess what!
ARTHUR
She’s finished?
REGGIE
Another gold star! My, you are a bright one this morning, despite the shameful state of your attire. Hallo, Saunders!
SAUNDERS
Good morning, Sir.
Reggie picks up Arthur’s cup.
REGGIE
Well, get packing, Mr. Lay-About, we have plans to make! Venice!
(he drinks and winces)
Cocoa?! Blecch! I’m going in search of coffee. Details to follow.
He exits. Saunders has brought a pitcher of water and a wash basin for Arthur.
ARTHUR
Saunders, quickly, shut the door! Bolt it tight!
SAUNDERS
With pleasure, sir. But duty compels me to ask what in heaven’s name is troubling you?
ARTHUR
(Speaking with difficulty)
Saunders – this morning – you have been in the presence of…a murderer.
SAUNDERS
What? Reggie, sir?
ARTHUR
No, not Reggie. Of course not Reggie. Does he look capable of murder? No, I’m talking about me.
SAUNDERS
You sir? A murderer?
ARTHUR
Yes.
SAUNDERS
I find that hard to believe, sir.
ARTHUR
It’s true. Last night…
He can’t continue.
SAUNDERS
You murdered someone last night, Sir?
ARTHUR
No.
SAUNDERS
You murdered someone this morning, then?
ARTHUR
No! Not this morning either!
SAUNDERS
(getting frustrated)
Well then, when did you murder someone, sir?
ARTHUR
Just listen! I didn’t murder anyone!
SAUNDERS
But I thought you said…
ARTHUR
But I will murder someone! Soon! I don’t know how soon. But it’s inevitable, I tell you.
SAUNDERS
Then you are not a murderer, sir?
ARTHUR
Not yet.
SAUNDERS
(relieved)
Well then…if it’s all the same, sir, why not simply keep it that way.
ARTHUR
Because I have no say in the matter! The story is all here —
(he stretches his palm out to Saunders)
For those who have eyes to see!
Saunders eyes his hand dubiously.
SAUNDERS
I beg pardon, Sir, but at the moment I see only a dire need for soap and water.
Arthur looks at his own hand, then crosses to the pitcher and basin and begins to scrub. He speaks throughout.
ARTHUR
Saunders, listen to me. I met a man last night, an extraordinary gentleman who had the power to read the future in one’s palm. He’s the man who told me I will murder someone. Oh, my dear Sybil. To wed her now would be a crime worse than the one I will commit. All is lost!
Arthur throws himself on the settee. Saunders considers.
SAUNDERS
I see, sir. You’re talking about cheiromancy then, aren’t you?
Arthur sits bolt upright.
ARTHUR
Yes! That’s the word he used. How did you know?
SAUNDERS
I have had some experience with the cheiromantic arts myself.
ARTHUR
Do tell.
SAUNDERS
I knew a lad in my youth, who claimed to have this gift. Little Freddy Finkle. A rotten toad of a child, if you don’t mind my saying. His predictions were as bleak and dark as the one you describe. Many was the night I shivered under my sheets thanks to Freddy Finkle.
ARTHUR
Forgive me, Saunders, but I’m not sure how this story helps.
SAUNDERS
Well, sir. You may not believe it, but I was not always the bright and cheery fellow you see before you. It’s true. Freddy had a terrible effect on me in my youth. If it weren’t for my mother and a lullaby she used to sing, heaven knows where I’d be today.
Saunders clears his throat and sings.
SONG #5: JUST AROUND THE CORNER (no demo)
SAUNDERS (CONT’D)
(sings)
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT’S JUST AROUND THE CORNER
WHO CAN SAY WHAT’S WAITING ROUND THE BEND
WHY WASTE YOUR TIME ON WHAT’S AROUND THE CORNER
TODAY IS HERE AND QUITE ENOUGH TO TEND
THERE’S THOSE THAT LIKE TO SAY
THEY KNOW WHAT’S ON THE WAY
DON’T ASK THEM “HOW?” OR “WHY?”
INSTEAD REPLY
NO HONEST MAN HAS EYES TO SEE
WHAT GOD HAS PLANNED FOR YOU AND ME
No ONE KNOWS UNTIL THEY MEET THEIR END
ARTHUR
That was your lullaby? “No one knows until they meet their end?”
SAUNDERS
Indeed, sir.
ARTHUR
But that’s beastly.
SAUNDERS
Say what you will, sir, but it worked for me. “No honest man has eyes to see what God has planned for you and me.” It made me realize that Freddy was nothing more than a little git, if you’ll pardon my French, sir. His predictions were a sham. He craved the power they gave him over the rest of us. But he was no seer, sir. I’m certain this man you speak of cannot be honest. Mrs. Merton’s guests may be interesting but they’re hardly trustworthy, sir.
ARTHUR
Perhaps you’re right, Saunders! By jove, what a fool I am.
Reggie bursts back into the room.
REGGIE
Never a truer word spoke! A nattering fool, that’s you, dear brother! Gold star number three!
ARTHUR
Oh, Reggie, do go away.
REGGIE
Ouch. Anyway, I’m not going anywhere until you promise you’ll come to Vienna with me!
ARTHUR
I thought you said Venice?
REGGIE
Right you are! Venice! On Friday! The Piazza San Marco! The gondolas! The signore!
(suggestively)
Eh? Eh?
ARTHUR
Reggie, you cannot go to Venice on Friday. You are to be best man at my wedding Sunday after next.
REGGIE
Good Lord. I’d forgotten.
ARTHUR
Indeed.
REGGIE
Don’t suppose you could postpone?
ARTHUR
No!
REGGIE
Bother. Well, alright. Speaking of marriage, have you heard the one about the Bride’s mother…?
MRS. MERTON and SYBIL enter through the open doors.
MRS. MERTON
Pray Reginald, do tell the one about the Bride’s mother?
REGGIE
Lovely to see you, Mrs Merton!!
ARTHUR
Sybil! Mother Merton! What a lovely surprise.
SAUNDERS
May I take your things, ma’am? Miss Sybil?
SYBIL
Thank you, Saunders.
Reggie plops down on the settee leaving no room for anyone else.
ARTHUR
Reggie! Get up!
(to Mrs. Merton)
Please do sit!
MRS. merton
Not until you explain where you disappeared to last night. Sybil was quite upset. Imagine her raising her champagne glass at the dinner table and only then realizing you were nowhere to be found.
Sybil
Mamá, please?
Mrs. Merton
Please, what? The boy is about to become your husband. We must know he’s reliable.
Sybil
Mother, you know as well as I that Arthur is the most reliable man in London.
Mrs. Merton
I know nothing of the sort. I know he has been a reliable fiancé. I have no idea whatsoever whether he will be a reliable husband. Nor do you.
Sybil
Mamá!
Arthur
Mrs. Merton. Sybil. Please accept my sincerest apology. I suffered a sudden and terrible bout of dyspepsia and felt it best to leave quietly.
Mrs. Merton
Dyspepsia!
Sybil
Arthur, darling!
Reggie
That’s a new one.
Arthur
(aside to Reggie)
Quiet.
(to the Mertons)
It was quite extraordinary. Most unusual.
Mrs. Merton
I trust there will be no such sudden attacks on the wedding day?
Sybil
Mother!
Mrs. Merton
(using the same tone)
Sybil!
Arthur
Certainly not.
Mrs. Merton
Very well. I am satisfied. For now. Let us move on to the real purpose of our visit. I have taken the liberty of procuring a few cake samples for the wedding reception. Saunders, would you be so good?
She hands the box she’s been carrying to Saunders who opens it and lifts out a tray of samples.
REGGIE
Awfully small for a wedding cake.
ARTHUR
They’re samples, Reg.
(Reggie reaches for a sample. Arthur smacks his hand)
And they’re not for you.
REGGIE
Well, in that case, anyone mind if I smoke?
He goes digging for a cigarette.
SYBIL
I don’t know how we’ll ever choose. They’re all so luscious.
MRS. MERTON
Give him a taste of the lemon crinkle, Sybil sweets. It’s positively divine.
ARTHUR
I’m sure whichever you select will be fine.
SYBIL
Don’t be a spoil sport. Open up.
(Sybil pops a bite into Arthur’s mouth)
Do you like it?
ARTHUR
(mouth full of cake)
It’s…very sweet.
REGGIE
That would be the sugar, old boy. Where’s my lighter?
SYBIL
Perhaps you’d prefer the butter vanilla.
MRS. MERTON
Yes. Try that. It will leave you speechless.
Sybil pops another into Arthur’s mouth. He’s still trying to get the first bite down.
REGGIE
Breathless too, from the looks of it. Go on, Arthur. Your turn. Pop one into her mouth.
MRS. MERTON
Now, that’s quite enough. Let’s not get out of hand.
REGGIE
Ahhhh! Turn about is fair play and all that.
SYBIL
Well, I am partial to the strawberry cream.
REGGIE
That’s the one for her. A proper English combination! Go on Arthur. Give it to her.
ARTHUR
All right then. Open wide.
Sybil does. Arthur tosses the piece of cake into her mouth. She begins to choke. Arthur is paralyzed with horror as Sybil gags and gestures wildly.
MRS. MERTON
(jumping up)
Sybil? Sybil, are you all right?
REGGIE
Good god! What have you done to her old man?
Arthur squeaks with fright.
MRS. MERTON
Do something!
Chaos ensues. Finally Reggie whacks Sybil on the back and she coughs up the cake.
MRS. MERTON (CONT’D)
You might’ve killed her!
ARTHUR
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
Reggie searches his pockets for a match.
REGGIE
Well, that was fun. Let’s hope the wedding vows aren’t as hard to swallow as the cake. Arthur, do you have a light? I’m absolutely aching for a smoke.
ARTHUR
Yes, yes.
Rattled, Arthur picks up the lighter from the side table and distractedly lights Reggie’s cigarette. As the conversation continues, Arthur manages to light Sybil’s hat on fire too. He doesn’t notice.
SYBIL
It wasn’t your fault, darling.
MRS. MERTON
It most certainly was. It was far too big a bite. Honestly, you’d think he was feeding an elephant.
SYBIL
It was an honest mistake.
ARTHUR
I assure you Mrs. Merton, it was the tiniest of bites.
MRS. MERTON
Then you must have tossed it too hard.
(Seeing flames on Sybil’s hat)
Good grief, what are you doing? Fire!!
ARTHUR
Where?
MRS. MERTON
Her hat, you ninny! Her hat!
ARTHUR
Aaaagh!!
Sybil’s hat bursts into flames. Chaos ensues.
Mrs. Merton
Get some water!!
REGGIE
Water!!
(pointing to the fountain upstage through the center French doors)
The fountain!!
Arthur – who’s lost all composure – picks Sybil up by the waist and carries her to the fountain. He forces her head into the water. She splashes and struggles.
Sybil pulls her head out of the fountain, sputtering. Her hat is still smoking.
Arthur
Aaaagh!!
He dunks her again. Much splashing.
She pulls up again, still smoking. Arthur grabs her feet, up-ends her with her head entirely in the fountain.
She splashes wildly.
REGGIE (CONT’D)
Careful, you’re going to drown her!
Arthur realizes what he is doing and frantically lifts her out of the fountain. She sputters like she’s drowning…but her hat is no longer on fire.
MRS. MERTON
Oh my heavens. What a mess!!!
ARTHUR
Sybil!!
Sybil, dripping and sputtering clings to Arthur. After the storm passes…
REGGIE
Well, Arthur, if you’re quite finished trying to murder your fiancé…
(Arthur is devastated)
I’ll be on my way.
(to the Mertons)
Ta everyone! See you at the wedding, Sybs. That is, if he doesn’t kill you first. Ha, ha!
He exits.
MRS. MERTON
Sybil! We are leaving.
ARTHUR
(anguished)
Mother Merton. I don’t know what to say.
MRS. MERTON
Don’t say a thing.
ARTHUR
I —
MRS. MERTON
Enough. Sybil, all our afternoon appointments will need to be rearranged.
Mrs. Merton exits. Sybil lingers.
SYBIL
Perhaps we should avoid the strawberry cream?
(Arthur is incapable of responding)
You are still coming for dinner tonight, aren’t you?
ARTHUR
I…
MRS MERTON (O.S.)
Sybil!!
SYBIL
Don’t be late.
Sybil blows a kiss and leaves. Arthur collapses on the settee, spent.
ARTHUR
Did you see that, Saunders? Podgers is right. Sybil is in mortal danger.
SAUNDERS
Sir?
SONG #6: WHY NOT DO THE DEED?
ARTHUR
(sings)
EVERYTHING GOOD, ALL IN ONE LOVELY GIRL
BRIGHT AND WARM AS A GLORIOUS FLAME
AND I NEARLY SNUFFED IT
MY HEART’S IN A VICE, THIS ROOM IS A WHIRL
I CAN’T BREATHE AND MY BRAIN’S SET TO BURST
AS IF I’VE OVER-STUFFED IT
ONE THING IS CLEAR
I CANNOT WED
NOT WITH THIS FEARFUL FATE HANGING
OVER MY HEAD
SAUNDERS
(making a joke)
What a pity you haven’t already committed a murder, sir. Then you’d be free to get married whenever you like.
ARTHUR
What’s that, Saunders?
SAUNDERS
I said –
ARTHUR
Wait! That’s it! Saunders, you’re a genius!
SAUNDERS
I beg your pardon, Sir?
ARTHUR
(sings)
SINCE IT APPEARS I’M DOOMED TO CARRY OUT THIS PROPHECY
WHY NOT DO THE DEED?
SAUNDERS
I was being ironic, Sir.
ARTHUR
JUST GET IT OVER WITH AND QUICK
BEFORE I CHOKE SOMEONE BY CHANCE
ONCE THE THING’S DONE I’M FREED
SAUNDERS
But, Sir –
ARTHUR
CAN I AFFORD THE PRIMROSE PATH OF DALLIANCE?
OH, NO!
NOT WHEN I SO HANDILY TURN WEDDING CAKE TO WEAPONS
I’M A TIME-BOMB SET TO BLOW
SAUNDERS
Sir-
ARTHUR
IF I’VE NO SAY
IF FATE MUST HAVE IT’S WAY
IF I’VE NO OTHER COURSE
I ASK YOU
WHY NOT DO THE DEED?
SAUNDERS
(spoken in tempo)
But sir, but sir…
(sings)
IF I MIGHT BE SO BOLD, SIR
I SPOT A SNAG YOU SURELY SEE?
IF YOU COMMIT TO BE A MURDERER
EVENTUALLY YOU’LL NEED A MURDER-EE
ARTHUR
WHO CAN I KILL?
SAUNDERS
Oh, Sir!
ARTHUR
WHEN YOU SAY IT OUT LOUD
I CONCEDE IT’S APPALLINGLY GRIM
MAKES ME MOST APPREHENSIVE
SAUNDERS
To say the least, Sir.
ARTHUR
AND I MUST BE SURE THAT WHOMEVER I CHOOSE
THERE’S NO CHANCE I COULD GAIN FROM THEIR DEATH
THE IDEA IS OFFENSIVE
SAUNDERS
The whole notion is offensive, Sir!
ARTHUR
I HOLD THE KEY
HERE, IN MY HEAD
SAUNDERS
What key, Sir?
ARTHUR
WHO OF MY FAMILY OR FRIENDS
MIGHT BE BETTER OFF DEAD?
SAUNDERS
Well, don’t look at me, Sir!
ARTHUR
IF WE ASSUME THAT WE CAN FIND THE PROPER CANDIDATE
WHY NOT DO THE DEED?
SAUNDERS
We, Sir?!?
ARTHUR
A WICKED AUNT, A ROTTEN UNCLE
ONE WHO WON’T BE MISSED
PICK ONE, AND QUICK, PROCEED
SOMEONE WHO’S SICK OR SAD MIGHT WELL BE GLAD OF A NUDGE
THAT’S IT!
MY COUSIN LADY CLEMENTINA CLARKE
WHO LIVES IN CURZON STREET
ALL THE DAY SHE MOANS AND GROANS
THE OLDEST SOUL YOU’LL EVER MEET
SUFFERS FROM DYSPEPSIA
NEVER LEAVES HER FLAT
AFFLICTED WITH THE GOUT
SHE’S A MISERABLE OLD BAT
SHE’S OVERDUE? NEEDS A NURSE TO HELP HER CHEW
I’M FAIRLY SURE SHE’D THANK ME
SO THEN, WHY NOT DO THE DEED?
SAUNDERS
(spoken in tempo)
But, Sir! But, Sir!
(sings)
THOUGH I AM LOATHE TO INTERFERE, SIR
HAVE YOU A METHOD OF DISPATCH?
IT’S WELL AND GOOD TO SAY, “WHY NOT?”
BUT IN THE END HOW WILL YOU DO IT?
ARTHUR
(spoken in tempo)
That’s the catch.
(sings)
EVERYONE KNOWS I’VE THE GENTLEST OF HEARTS
SO CONTENT WITH MY BOOK AND MY PIPE
WHILST MY FRIENDS ALL GO HUNTING
(he shudders at the thought)
A BULLFIGHT OR DUEL LEAVES ME QUEASY AND GREEN
AND A BOXING MATCH TORTURES MY SOUL
ALL THAT PUNCHING AND GRUNTING
TOO RARE A ROAST
AND I BOLT FOR THE DOOR
MOTHER HAS OFTEN COMPLAINED
I’M ALLERGIC TO GORE
(speaks)
Still…
(sings)
IF WE CAN PLAN A COUP DE GRAS WITHOUT THE GRIZZLY BITS
WHY NOT DO THE DEED?
SAUNDERS
I do wish you’d stop saying “We”, Sir.
ARTHUR
WE FIND A MODUS OPERANDI WITH A MINIMUM OF MUCK
SWIFT AND SILENT MUST BE OUR CREED
SAUNDERS
I need a drink.
ARTHUR
MY CONSTITUTION’S WEAK BUT THAT CAN’T POISON THIS PLOT
THAT’S IT!
POISON! YES, IT’S PERFECT THERE’S NO
MESSY, STRESSY BLOOD TO SCRUB
STRYCHNINE IN HER WINE OR
MAYBE ARSENIC IN HER EVENING TUB
SAUNDERS
SIR, I MUST CONFESS THIS TALK IS LEAVING ME MOST TERRIFIED
YOU CANNOT HOPE TO DO THIS, SIR
YOU CAN’T COMMIT OLD BAT-RICIDE
ARTHUR
WHY NOT!
SAUNDERS
BECAUSE IT GOES AGAINST
ALL THAT YOU’VE BEEN TAUGHT
THINK, SIR!
ARTHUR
IT’S A TIME FOR ACTION
IT’S NOT A TIME FOR THOUGHT
SAUNDERS
IT’S A SIN, SIR, A MORTAL SIN
AND WORSE, WE MIGHT GET CAUGHT
ARTHUR
WE WON’T GET CAUGHT
WE MUST JUST STAY COOL AND CALM
AND NOT GET OVERWROUGHT
SAUNDERS
WE MUST JUST STAY COOL AND CALM
AND NOT GET OVERWROUGHT
ARTHUR AND SAUNDERS
WE MUST JUST STAY COOL AND CALM
AND NOT GET OVERWROUGHT
TOGETHER
THE COURSE IS SET
THERE’S NO ROOM FOR REGRET
WE HAVE A WHO, A HOW, AND TIME’S A-WASTING
WHY NOT DO THE DEED?
Arthur goes to fetch his coat and hat.
ARTHUR
I am off, Saunders!
SAUNDERS
Where to, Sir?
ARTHUR
No idea. I have fourteen days to commit a murder and sadly, I know nothing of poisons.
SAUNDERS
Perhaps the library at the club might have a book, Sir?
ARTHUR
Perfect! Yes. I’ll check there. Thank you, Saunders!
SAUNDERS
I live to serve, sir. Sir? Do be discreet?
ARTHUR
Of course, old boy. What do you take me for? A fool?
During this last, Arthur pops a hat on his head, not realizing it’s actually Sybil’s hat, left behind. Saunders takes to the audience.
ARTHUR (CONT’D)
Wish me luck!
Arthur exits the scene.
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
Scene Five
THE VERY POSH BUCKINGHAM MEN’S CLUB. AN HOUR LATER.
The room is dotted with leather wing-back chairs. Men of distinction move about in hushed tones. There is a bar off to one side.
At the bar we meet a few club members – notably a Doctor, Lawyer, Soldier. They turn and raise their glasses in a toast.
SONG #7: PROPER POISON (no demo)
Men
The siren call of the club
Is at it’s very peak
When gentleman are low
And at their weakest
In the manly, smoke-filled quiet
No problem can’t be solved
Or ignored, at least
No matter it’s the bleakest
So raise your glass of gin
Drink deep and clear your mind
If you must drink poison
Why not drink
The proper British kind?
GIN, GIN, GIN, GIN
GIN, GIN, GIN, GIN
MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM
MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM
Arthur enters with an enormous volume and staggers with it to the bar.
Billy
Lord Arthur! What’s your poison?
ARTHUR
Don’t I wish I knew.
Billy
Beg pardon, Sir?
ARTHUR
Forgive me, Billy. I have a devil of a problem – I’m reading through this tome on poisons trying to find the proper one and I’m afraid I have no brain whatsoever for all the latin whatzsits. So many “nics” and “nines”. How is one to choose?
Billy
Sir?
ARTHUR
Sorry. Arse-nic, strych-nine. “Nics”, “Nines”, you see?
Billy
Perhaps you could ask Dr. Smytheson there. Surely a doctor would know?
Dr. Smytheson and his two compatriots turn to Arthur. MUSIC OUT.
DR. SMYTHESON
What’s the trouble, lad.
ARTHUR
I need to poison someone – uh, some…thing. A uh…a dog.
DR. SMYTHESON
A dog, eh?
Lights up on LADY CLEMENTINA CLARKE IN HER FLAT. She barks to her offstage butler.
LADY CLEM
(sounding very like a dog)
Rolph! Rolph!
ARTHUR
Yes. A rather large dog.
DR. SMYTHESON
How large?
Arthur uses Lady Clem for reference.
ARTHUR
Oh, about…yay big, I’d say.
LADY CLEM
(still like a dog)
Rolph!
ROLPH (O.S.)
(calling from a distance)
Yes, madam?
LADY CLEM
Get me my throw, you fool!
ROLPH (O.S.)
Yes, madam.
She begins to fluff her mop of grey hair. Arthur watches.
DR. SMYTHESON
Breed?
ARTHUR
A…standard poodle.
DR. SMYTHESON
You want to poison a standard poodle?
(Arthur nods)
Male or bitch?
LADY CLEM
(barking again)
Rolph! Rolph!
(as if she’s a dog howling at the moon)
Hoooowwww stupid can you be? Hoooowwww stupid?
Arthur turns back to the Doctor. Lady Clem’s Pallet slides off.
ARTHUR
Bitch. She’s a nasty one, too. Mean. Old. Bitten two chamber maids already.
DR. SMYTHESON
I see. Well, there’s all the “nics” and “nines” – but so many involve convulsions or seizures. Rolling of eyes, lolling of tongues, that sort of thing. Not very pleasant.
ARTHUR
Eew. That sounds horrible. I mean, she’s beastly and all, but I’d like her to go peacefully, if possible.
DR. SMYTHESON
Hmmmmm. Yes. Tricky, that. But I’d go with Aconotine if I were you.
ARTHUR
Aconotine?
DR. SMYTHESON
A-co-no-tine. Swift. Silent. She’ll go without a woof. Matter of fact, I’ve always wondered why Aconotine wasn’t more popular in the murdering trade! Hahahahaaa!
ARTHUR
Hahahahaaa. Thank you doctor.
DR. SMYTHESON
Not at all! Good luck with the old bitch.
Music IN.
Arthur makes his way to the Chemist’s with the men from the bar in tow.
Gin, gin, gin, gin
Gin, gin, gin, gin
Gin, gin, gin, gin
The scene shifts to THE CHEMIST’S.
THE CHEMIST
You need to poison what, Sir?
ARTHUR
(sadly)
Dog. Mean. Old.
LADY CLEM (O.S.)
Rolph! Rolph!
ARTHUR
Bitch.
The Chemist nods with understanding, hands Arthur a large gelatin capsule and exits. The men from he club continue to follow.
The scene instantly shifts to THE JEWELER’S SHOP. A man with a jeweler’s glass in his eye steps out and hands Arthur a sparkling silver bon-bon box. The men from the bar are still in tow and hum their approval.
Arthur (CONT’D)
…this will do just beautifully.
The men from the bar hold up their glasses to Arthur
The men sing. Arthur joins in.
MEN & ARTHUR
So raise your glass of gin
Drink deep to clear your mind
If you must drink poison
Why not drink
The proper British kind
Arthur crosses to…
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
Scene Six
LADY CLEMENTINA’S FLAT IN CURZON STREET. LATER THAT DAY.
Think Miss Havisham’s dwelling on steroids. Something to suggest that Lady Clem throws away nothing and is older than Methuselah. We discover her, seated, still barking for her Butler.
LADY CLEM
Rolph! Rolph! Oh, bother –
She picks up a bell and rings it loudly while continuing to bellow.
LADY CLEM (CONT’D)
Rolph!
ROLPH, LADY CLEM’S BUTLER, shuffles in. He’s a hundred years old if he’s a day. He moves very slowly.
ROLPH
Madam?
LADY
For heaven’s sake, Rolph, what’s the point of employing a butler if he doesn’t come when one calls?
ROLPH
I apologize, ma’am, I was answering the…
LADY CLEM
Who was at the door?
ROLPH
…door. Apologies, madam. It is your second cousin, Lord Arthur Savile. I was just about to ann…
LADY CLEM
Well, announce him, for the love of God. I might be dead before he makes it into the room.
ROLPH
Just so, madam. Lord Arthur…
LADY CLEM
Yes, yes, you goat, I know. Lord Arthur Savile. Just go.
Arthur tries to enter but is having trouble getting around Rolph.
LADY CLEM (CONT’D)
Away! Away you silly fool!
Arthur believes Lady Clem is addressing him. He questioningly makes as if to go. Lady Clem continues.
LADY CLEM (CONT’D)
Not you. The other silly fool. Oh, why do I bother? Come in! Come in, Arthur. Don’t stand there like a lump.
ARTHUR
So sorry, Lady Clem. Wasn’t quite sure…I thought I’d come and see how you are faring? Uh…how are you faring these days?
LADY CLEM
How does it appear I am faring?
ARTHUR
Well! Very well indeed, I’d say.
LADY CLEM
You are a liar. No doubt you are other things as well. But you are most definitely a liar and a terrible one. I am old as dust and look as if I invented it, and you know it.
ARTHUR
I…
LADY CLEM
Shush!
Arthur shushes.
SONG #8: ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE
LADY CLEM (CONT’D)
(sings)
I’M OLD AND I HOPE YOU’LL NEVER BE
AS OLD AS I WAS FIFTY YEARS AGO
THAT YOU’LL BOTH DIE YOUNG
THAT’S MY WISH FOR YOU AND SYBIL
THAT’S THE WEDDING BLESSING I BESTOW
FOR LIVING’S NO FUN WHEN YOU’RE
MOLDY AS CHEESE
WITH YOUR TEETH IN A GLASS
AND YOUR BREASTS AT YOUR KNEES
IT’S AN ILL-WIND I PASS
EVERY TIME THAT I SNEEZE
FOR I’VE ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE
ONCE I STOPPED MEN IN THEIR TRACKS
WITH A SMILE
I COULD RAISE ANY PULSE
WHEN I’D FLIRT AND BEGUILE
NOW SHOULD I FLIRT
I’D RAISE NOTHING BUT BILE
FOR I’VE ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE
I’VE OUTLIVED SPOUSES
SIBLINGS
PETS, TOO
OUTLIVED THE TRADESMEN
I OWED MY GREATEST DEBTS TO
I’VE OUTLIVED FRIENDS
DECADES YOUNGER THAN I
YOU’D THINK I’D HAVE THE DECENCY
TO LAY ME DOWN AND DIE
She gets quiet. Very Quiet. Arthur thinks she may be dead.
ARTHUR
Lady Clem?
She begins to snore. Arthur sighs in relief. Then tries again to revive her.
ARTHUR (CONT’D)
Lady Clem?
LADY CLEM
(Snapping awake. Barks)
Don’t interrupt!
(sings)
MUMMY AND DAD PREACHED THAT LIFE’S
LIKE A SONG
THEY COMPLAINED “LIFE’S SO SHORT”
THEY WERE EVER SO WRONG
LOOK AT ME YOU’LL SEE
LIFE’S TRAGICALLY LONG
WHEN YOU’VE ONE FOOT IN
OH, HOW YOU’LL WISH IT WERE TWO
WHEN YOU
HAVE ONE FOOT
IN THE GRAVE
ARTHUR
I am so sorry, Lady Clem.
LADY
Fat lot of good that does me.
ARTHUR
Well, I’ve brought something that might help!
LADY CLEM
Really? What?
ARTHUR
It is the very latest cure for Gout.
Arthur produces the bon-bonnierre. Lady Clem twitters with excitement and accepts the box from him.
LADY CLEM
Oh, you dear, dear, dear, dear child!
(She opens the box)
Oooh! It looks like a little bon-bon! A delightful little bon-bon. I shall take it immediately!
(barks to the wings)
Rolph!!
ROLPH (O.S.)
Yes, madam?
LADY CLEM
Water!!
ARTHUR
(Stricken at the thought of watching her take the pill)
You’re going to take it now?
LADY CLEM
Certainly, my boy! You don’t want to sit there and watch me suffer, do you?
ARTHUR
(alarmed)
NO!
(covering with sympathy)
I mean…no. Of course not.
LADY CLEM
I should think not.
Rolph shuffles in empty-handed.
ROLPH
You called, madam?
LADY CLEM
Oh, for heavens’s sake! I said water!!
ROLPH
Very good, madam.
He starts to go.
LADY CLEM
Oh, don‘t bother. Just give me your flask.
ROLPH
I beg pardon, madam.
LADY CLEM
Your flask, your flask. I know you have one! Nothing but drink can explain your sloth.
He sheepishly produces a flask from inside his coat. She grabs it from him.
ARTHUR
(to Rolph)
Who can blame you?
LADY CLEM
To life!
She raises the bon-bonniere to her mouth.
ARTHUR
Wait!!!
Arthur snatches it away.
LADY CLEM
What on earth for?
ARTHUR
I nearly forgot! It’s a special sort of medicine. You really are only supposed to take it when an attack of the Gout hits – that’s what the apothecary said.
(a terrifying thought occurs)
You’re not having an attack at the moment?
LADY CLEM
No.
ARTHUR
Thank god. I mean, thank god. No, you see, you wait until you feel the attack coming on and then pop it into your mouth. It should work almost at once.
He hands the bon-bonniere back to her. She regards it with awe.
LADY CLEM
Almost at once!
ARTHUR
When do you think you might have an attack?
LADY CLEM
Lord only knows. It might be an hour from now.
ARTHUR
(delighted)
Really?
(covering)
Terrible.
LADY CLEM
Then again it might be weeks and weeks.
ARTHUR
(horrified)
Weeks and weeks? But the wedding is in a fortnight!
LADY CLEM
What has your wedding to do with my Gout?
ARTHUR
Good grief! Perhaps you should take it now…
LADY CLEM
But, the apothecary…
ARTHUR
Right! The apothecary. Damn.
He takes the flask from Lady Clem and drinks deeply.
ARTHUR (CONT’D)
I really must be taking my leave.
LADY CLEM
But you only just arrived!
ARTHUR
Yes, but you see, Sybil…I…I am to dine with Sybil. And her parents. I must go.
LADY CLEM
Yes, why sit here and look at my old bones when you have fresh meat like Sybil? Go! Go! I’m no use to anyone anyway.
LORD ARTHUR
(Not hearing her)
Exactly.
ROLPH
Exactly.
LORD ARTHUR
I am so sorry –
LADY CLEM
You certainly are. Shall I write to let you know how the medicine works?
ARTHUR
Yes. Do that.
Arthur leaves the scene. Then returns and gives Rolph his flask back.
ROLPH
Bless you.
Lady Clem’s home slides off.
ARTHUR’S ROOM slides on.
Saunders is waiting at Arthur’s apartment to help him change for dinner at the Merton’s.
ARTHUR
Saunders, I am a fool! — and a coward!
(in a “fool’s” voice)
“Wait until an attack is coming on” Idiot! I simply couldn’t bear to watch.
SAUNDERS
Sir, you did as anyone would have done in the same position. Though at present I cannot think of anyone in the same position.
ARTHUR
Surely doing your duty shouldn’t make one feel so wretched?
SAUNDERS
I suppose it depends on what one considers duty, Sir.
ARTHUR
Sybil! I must think of Sybil and her safety.
SAUNDERS
Of course, Sir.
Arthur
I wish I didn’t feel as if I were a man facing the gallows.
Saunders
Don’t worry, sir. They’ll never notice.
Direct segue to…
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
Scene Seven
THE MERTON HOME IN LONDON. THAT EVENING.
Arthur and Mr. Merton are enjoying after-dinner brandy and cigars.
MR. MERTON
Good lord! You look as if you’re facing the gallows.
Arthur chokes on his brandy.
MR. MERTON (CONT’D)
You’re not still worrying about this morning’s episode with Sybil’s hat, are you? Ha ha! Ellie told me what happened. Wish I’d been there! Don’t give it another moment’s thought, Arthur. It’s not as if anyone died! Ha ha!
Arthur has nothing to say. Sybil appears in the doorway.
SYBIL
Father, Mother has gone up to bed with a headache.
MR. MERTON
Well, that’s my cue. Goodnight, children.
Mr. Merton exits. Sybil and Arthur are alone. Arthur is a wreck.
SYBIL
Arthur, dear, won’t you help me dim the lamps?
ARTHUR
(Choking on her name)
Sybil –
SYBIL
(Charmed, she giggles)
Yes – Arthur…
ARTHUR
Sybil…There’s something I need to ask of you. But I’m afraid.
SYBIL
Why?
ARTHUR
Oh, Sybil – Sybil – if only I had the words. But instead I stand here gibbering like an idiot.
SYBIL
Then don’t bother speaking.
She moves in to kiss him. He recoils.
ARTHUR
Stay back!
SYBIL
What?
ARTHUR
I — I — I cannot be responsible for what might happen.
SONG #9: A LITTle while longer
SYBIL
Oh darling. I feel exactly the same. But I know I can rely on your gentlemanly conduct.
(sings)
IT’S A LITTLE WHILE LONGER, MY DEAR
TIL WE’RE
TOGETHER NIGHT AND DAY
SUCH A LITTLE WHILE LONGER
UNTIL YOU CHERISH
AND I OBEY
IT’S A LITTLE WHILE LONGER, MY SWEET
WE’LL GREET
EACH MORNING WITH A KISS
SUCH A LITTLE WHILE LONGER UNTIL WE KNOW
WHAT THEY MEAN BY
WEDDED BLISS
WISH THE TIME WOULD FLY
WISH THE DAY WOULD COME ALREADY
WISH THE CLOCK WOULD RACE
AS QUICKLY AS MY HEART DOES
WHEN I’M IN YOUR ARMS
SO STRONG, SO STEADY
IT’S A LITTLE WHILE LONGER, MY LOVE
ABOVE THE ANGELS
all WILL SMILE
SUCH A LITTLE WHILE, DEAR
’TIL I’m ALL YOURS
ALL YOURS IN A LITTLE WHILE
Arthur
SYBIL
SYBIL
Mmmm?
ARTHUR
DEAREST
SYBIL
Yes?
ARTHUR
SYBIL
SYBIL
What?
ARTHUR
SYBIL
SYBIL
What is it?!
ARTHUR
SYBIL, SYBIL, SYBIL
SYBIL
Arthur!
ARTHUR
SYBIL, MY TREASURE
SURELY YOU KNOW
I WORSHIP YOU
BODY AND SOUL
YOU‘RE THE PICTURE OF GRACE
BUT SYBIL, MY SWEET
PREPARE YOURSELF, PLEASE
THERE’S SOMETHING I HAVE TO CONFESS
AND IT’S HIGH-TIME I FACE IT
WHAT I HAVE TO SAY
ALL NIGHT I’VE BEEN DREADING
DESPITE OUR DESIRES
WE MUST DELAY
THE WEDDING
SYBIL
Oh, Arthur! But, why?
ARTHUR
That I cannot tell you.
SYBIL
For how long?
ARTHUR
I only wish I knew. But…
(sings)
TRUST ME
WON’T YOU TRUST ME
AS YOU MUST KNOW I’D TRUST YOU
AND WAIT A
LITTLE WHILE LONGER, YOU’LL SEE
SYBIL
(sing-crying)
HUH, HUH, HUH
ARTHUR
WE’LL BE TOGETHER
NIGHT AND DAY
SYBIL
HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH
ARTHUR
BUT IT’S A LITTLE WHILE LONGER
THAN WE HAD PLANNED
AND THAT’S ALL I CAN SAY
SYBIL
HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH
ARTHUR
A VERY LITTLE WHILE LONGER, MY SWEET
SYBIL
A LITTLE WHILE
ARTHUR
OUR FEET
WILL MARCH US DOWN THE AISLE
SYBIL
HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH
ARTHUR
YES, IT’S A LITTLE WHILE LONGER
BUT PROMISE ME YOU’LL BE STRONG
SYBIL
STRONG
ARTHUR
THROUGH THIS TRIAL
SYBIL
I’LL BE STRONG, DEAR
ARTHUR
WISH THE TIME WOULD FLY
SYBIL
Waaa-aaa-ahhhhhhh!
ARTHUR
WISH THE DAY WOULD COME ALREADY
WISH THE CLOCK WOULD RACE
AS QUICKLY AS MY HEART DOES
WHEN I SMELL YOUR HAIR
SYBIL
My hair?
ARTHUR
SO SWEET
SYBIL
So sweet?
ARTHUR
SO HEADY
SYBIL
HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH
HUH, HUH, HUH
HUH, HUH
ARTHUR
A LITTLE WHILE LONGER, MY LOVE
ABOVE THE ANGELS
ALL WILL SMILE
A LITTLE WHILE LONGER
SYBIL
LITTLE WHILE LONGER
TOGETHER
YOURS
IN A LITTLE WHILE
Lights crossfade to…
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
Scene Eight
REGGIE’S YACHT IN THE MEDITERRANEAN. A WEEK LATER
Reggie strums a Braguina (ukulele) on his yacht at sea in the Mediterranean.
SONG #10: ALL I DESERVE
The boat is packed with people drinking, laughing, and dancing. Reggie is in his element but flashing aggravated looks at Arthur, whose gloom threatens to spoil the party atmosphere.
Saunders serves canapés to the crowd.
SAUNDERS
(proffers the tray)
Canapé, Sir?
ARTHUR
Why eat? I can’t taste a thing.
SAUNDERS
Perhaps a swim, sir, might lighten your mood?
ARTHUR
I don’t want my mood lightened. Saunders, what sort of a coward murders a poor, harmless old woman?
Saunders
Sir, no-one in their right mind would describe Lady Clementina as either poor or harmless.
Arthur
But that doesn’t mean she deserves to…
(he can’t say it)
…you know. Oh, what have I done?
Saunders
If I understand your motive correctly, Sir, you’ve merely taken action to keep your fiancé safe. And it’s not as if Lady Clem was going to live forever.
Arthur
I suppose not.
Saunders
I do have something that may cheer you, Sir. The post arrived earlier today. There’s a letter, from —
Arthur spots the letter in Saunders hand and seizes it..
Arthur
Sybil!
(as he scans the letter)
She says she’s well, but her mother is getting restless.
Saunders
Certainly no more restless than you, sir.
Arthur
(forlorn)
Oh, Sybil…
(sings)
DRIFTING, DARLING, WORLDS AWAY FROM YOU
THEY TELL ME UP ABOVE
THE SKY IS BLUE
LONG AS YOU’RE NOT HERE
TO CHEER ME
BLUE SKIES FILL WITH FOG
AND IT’S ALL I
ALL I DESERVE
Reggie has a sign in hand which he hangs around Arthur’s neck. It says, “Worst Guest Ever”.
ARTHUR (CONT’D)
HERE I LOITER, LIGHT YEARS FROM YOUR GLOW
GENTLEMEN
IT’S ALL YOU DESERVE
ARTHUR
THEY SAY THE SUN SHINES HOT
I WOULDN’T KNOW
GENTLEMEN
IT’S ALL YOU DESERVE
ARTHUR
LONG AS WE’RE APART
THIS HEART OF MINE
IS COLD AS ICE
AND IT’S ALL I, ALL I
REGGIE, SAUNDERS, CAPTAIN
ALL YOU
ALL
DESERVE
ARTHUR
WITHOUT YOU
MY LOFTY BED OF DOWN
SEEMS HARD AS BOARD
AND BARBED WITH NAILS
WITHOUT YOU THE WIND GOES
RIGHT OUT OF MY
ARTHUR/GENTLEMEN
FLOBBY, SLOBBY SAILS
ARTHUR
YOU’RE HOME, LONESOME, MY SOUL’S LOST AT SEA
GENTLEMEN
IT’S ALL YOU DESERVE
ARTHUR
THEY SWEAR IT’S HEAVEN HERE
BUT NOT FOR ME
GENTLEMEN
IT’S ALL YOU DESERVE
AHHHH
ARTHUR
LONG AS I CAN’T SPY YOUR bright SMILE
I’M HOLED UP IN HELL
AND IT’S ALL I
GENTLEMEN
ALL YOU
ARTHUR
ALL I/YOU DE…
Saunders, peering through a telescope, points out to sea.
SAUNDERS
The launch! Sir, the launch! It looks to be a telegram!
The launch arrives. A telegram is handed down the line until it reaches Reggie.
REGGIE
I’ll take that.
MUSIC OUT.
Reggie (cont’d)
After all, it is my boat!
(he reads)
Well, that’s damned inconvenient, I must say.
ARTHUR
What is?
REGGIE
(calls off)
Raise the anchor! We’re going home.
(to Arthur, petulantly)
Our second cousin, Lady Clementina, has gone and kicked the bucket.
Arthur looks at Saunders and starts to laugh in spite of himself.
Arthur
Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha…
SAUNDERS
(admonishing)
Oh, Sir.
Arthur can’t help himself. His laughter grows. He dances joyously, laughing wildly and hugging everyone in sight. Saunders turns to Reggie.
SAUNDERS (CONT’D)
Sorry. He’s not himself these days.
REGGIE
I quite understand how he feels. Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, when–ever they go. Ha ha ha…
Everyone laughs. ALL DANCE.
ARTHUR
RING THOSE WEDDING BELLS
I’M COMING HOME
FROM MY DARLING’S ARMS
I’LL NEVER ROAM
DONE MY DUTY
PLAYED MY PART
NOW MY HEART WILL SING
AND IT’S ALL I
ALL
ALL YOU
EVERYONE
ALL I/YOU DESERVE
ARTHUR
CALL THE FLORIST
BUY THOSE BAGS OF RICE
DANCE RIGHT DOWN THE AISLE
AND DON’T THINK TWICE
TELL THE BAKER
GREASE THE PANS
BE THERE IN A THRICE
AND IT’S ALL I
ALL
ALL YOU DE…
DANCE.
Segue to…
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
Scene Nine
DREARY DAY IN LONDON. A WEEK LATER. LADY CLEM’S FUNERAL.
SOMBER ORGAN MUSIC accompanies the funeral ceremony in progress upstage in silhouette. They’re burying Lady Clem. Bells toll.
Sybil enters. She and Arthur face each other DS. Though the occasion is sad, it is clear they are thrilled to see one another. The MINISTER intones in the background…
Minister
We commend our dearly beloved to the bosom of the earth. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Amen.
ARTHUR AND SYBIL
(singing)
WITHOUT YOU THE HOURS DRAGGED BY UNTIL I THOUGHT
I’D RATHER DIE THAN LIVE
WITHOUT YOU
THE UNIVERSE HAS NOTHING BUT
HOLY WOE TO GIVE
SYBIL
Oh, Arthur. Say that nothing will keep us apart again.
ARTHUR
Nothing and no-one will ever come between us again.
The EXECUTOR OF LADY CLEM’S ESTATE steps between them with briefcase and a key. Reggie watches.
EXECUTOR
Lord Arthur Savile?
ARTHUR
Yes?
EXECUTOR
I have been directed to give you this.
ARTHUR
What is it?
EXECUTOR
The key to Lady Clementina’s flat. She has bequeathed everything she owned to you.
He exits.
REGGIE
Rotten luck, old man. Glad it’s you and not me. It’ll be a job going through the old bag’s rubbish. Sorry, Sybs – the old dear’s things.
Direct segue to…
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
Scene Ten
LADY CLEM’S FLAT.
They all take in the mess.
SYBIL
Oh, my.
REGGIE
Well, I’ll leave you to it.
Reggie exits. Sybil and Arthur scan the piles of dusty bric-a-brac.
ARTHUR
(upbeat)
This won’t take long, sweet. Not too long. I’ll start on the bookshelf and you do the desk. And when we’re done, it’s off to order our cake, eh?
SYBIL
For the Sunday after next?
ARTHUR
The Sunday after next!
They begin to organize. Sybil picks up the poison-pill box from the desk and examines it.
SYBIL
Oh! Arthur! Look at this sweet little silver bon-bon box. Isn’t it lovely?
ARTHUR
I gave that to her myself.
SYBIL
Oh, but it’s beautiful.
ARTHUR
Would you like it?
SYBIL
Darling! Thanks, awfully.
(she opens it)
Ooh – and may I have the little bon-bon too?
Arthur stops his sorting.
ARTHUR
The what?
SYBIL
The bon-bon.
ARTHUR
(in a panic)
Let me see that!
MUSIC SWELLS. Arthur takes the box from her and lifts the bon-bon out, thunderstruck.
ENSEMBLE (0.S.)
AND IT’S ALL YOU, ALL YOU
ALL YOU DESERVE
DESERVE
DESERVE
Lights iris down to the bon-bon, then out.
END OF ACT ONE
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
ACT TWO
Scene One
Sybil’s room in the merton home. THE EVENING after THE FUNERAL
All is dark.
MRS. MERTON (O.S.)
(A scream from offstage)
Aaaaahhh!!
SONG #11: ENOUGH
Lights up on THE MERTON HOME. Mrs. Merton enters on a tirade. Sybil and Mr. Merton follow.
MRS. MERTON (O.S.)
(sings)
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!
ENOUGH WITH HIS EXCUSES
HE’S PROVED HIMSELF A NINNY
ENOUGH WITH THE ABUSES TO OUR PRIDE
ENOUGH WITH HIS ATONEMENT
HE PROMISED ONE POSTPONEMENT
BUT WHEN HE MADE THAT PROMISE
HE LIED
I’VE HAD ENOUGH
OF THIS BACKING AND FORTH-ING
IF HE TRULY WANTS TO WED YOU
WHY NOT SIMPLY WED?
I’VE SAID ENOUGH
BUT I’LL TELL YOU THIS ONE MORE THING
IF I DROP DEAD FROM SHAME
IT’S ON HIS HEAD
ENOUGH HUMILIATION
WE’VE BEEN LAUGHING STOCKS ALL SEASON
THE TALK AT EVERY PARTY IS OUR PLIGHT
ENOUGH WITH BEING DOCILE
THE INDIGNITY’S COLOSSAL
REASON SAYS I’M RIGHT TO SAY
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH
YOU’LL BE AN OLD MAID
BEFORE THE YEAR IS OUT
YOU’RE NEARLY TWENTY NOW
YOU CANNOT WAIT FOREVER
YOU’LL BE A SPINSTER
IT’S TRUE WITHOUT A DOUBT
IT’S PLAIN TO SEE THE BOY INTENDS
TO WED THE TWELFTH OF NEVER
NEVER
I HAVE NO PATIENCE
FOR ALL HIS FOL-DE-ROLL
HE’S LOST HIS MIND
IF HE BELIEVES HE’LL CALL ME MOTHER
LET’S WAIT A MONTH’S TIME
WE’LL SEE HIM SCRAPE AND CRAWL
BY THEN, MY DEAR
NO DOUBT, NO FEAR
I’M SURE YOU’LL HAVE ANOTHER
ANOTHER
ENOUGH WITH JIBBER-JABBER
YOU WILL BREAK IT OFF COMPLETELY
WE’VE NO GOOD EXPLANATION FOR DELAY
ENOUGH WITH YOUR COMPASSION
UNDERSTANDING’S OUT OF FASHION
SWEETLY, SOFTLY SAY TO HIM
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH
MUSIC segues.
SONG #12: MY HEART
SYBIL
Mother…
MRS. MERTON
Not a word!
MR. MERTON
Ellie. Let her speak.
SYBIL
(sings)
WOULD YOU TRULY ASK ME
TO TURN MY BACK ON MY HEART
ASK ME TO IMAGINE
A LIFE WITHOUT ARTHUR
OH, HOW DO I START
Do YOU TRULY want ME
TO TURN MY HEART INTO STONE
ASK ME TO DESERT HIM
DECEIVE HIM AND TELL HIM
I’LL LEAVE HIM ALONE
HE IS MORE THAN MY LOVE
HE’S MY FRIEND
EVERY CHOICE THAT HE MAKES
I DEFEND
TO THE END
ASK ME TO FORGET HIM
YOU MIGHT AS WELL ASK ME
TO STOP THE BEATING OF MY HEART
Mr. Merton embraces her. Mrs. Merton cries. Fade out.
Abrupt segue to…
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
Scene Two
THE STREETS OF LONDON. LATE EVENING FOLLOWING THE FUNERAL
Arthur is “in the gutter” once again, tearing at his hair.
SONG #13: WHAT DO I DO? REPRISE 2 (NOW “FAILURE”) (No demo)
ENSEMBLE (O.S.)
FAILURE
YOU’RE A FAILURE
FAILURE
YOU’RE A FAILURE, YOU’RE A FAILURE
YOU’RE A FAILURE
LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR
LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR
LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR —
Igor and his Comrades approach unnoticed, as in Act One.
IGOR
Lord Arthur?
ARTHUR
Aaaugh!!!!! How do you keep doing that?
IGOR
This is second time we find you in gutter so.
A Comrade
He is sniping! Yes?
All Comrades
(Ad lib. Laughing)
Ha Ha. Guttersniping. It is very funny. I get the joke. Always funny, no? Etc…
Igor
(to Comrades)
Quiet! Is not funny anymore. Is too late.
ARTHUR
Oh, Igor. I’ve lost her for good this time.
IGOR
You speak of the girl you are to be tying in knots?
ARTHUR
We’ll never get married and it’s all my fault.
IGOR
Why you saying this thing?
ARTHUR
I had a simple task. That’s all. One simple task, and I’ve failed. It isn’t easy finding out you’re not the man you think you are.
IGOR
This is nonsense. You are exactly the man you think you are. Any man can be master of his destiny if he’s putting mind to it. Believe me. I am revolutionary. Fighting for what I believe in is my stack of trays.
Arthur lets the malaprop go with a shake of his head.
IGOR (CONT’D)
Lord Arthur –
ARTHUR
Arthur, please –
IGOR
Yes. Arthur, please.
SONG #14: WHAT MADE ALEXANDER GREAT
IGOR (CONT’D)
Think of all the men before you who have changed the courses of the world. Was it easy? No! But they remember always to fight for what they want. This girl, this –
ARTHUR
Sybil?
IGOR
Yes. I am thinking you want her very much.
ARTHUR
More than anything.
IGOR
Then it is for her you must be fighting!
(turns to his Comrades)
Yes?
COMRADES
Yes! Of course! Ya! (etc.)
IGOR
(sings)
THE GREATEST MEN IN HIST’RY
IN COMMON THEY HAve ONE THING
FOR WHAT THEY WANTED THEY WOULD FIGHT
IN ORDER TO BE WINNING
THEMSELVES THEY MUST BELIEVE IN
EVEN WHEN THEY WERE NOT RIGHT
(spoken)
Yes?
COMRADES
Yes!
IGOR
(sings)
THAT’S WHAT MADE ALEXANDER GREAT
THAT’S WHY HIS NAME WE CELEBRATE
THAT’S WHAT MADE ALEXANDER GREAT
AND HIS RIVALS HATE HIM SO
ARTHUR
But I’m not Alexander the Great. I’m just…me.
IGOR
Arthur. You must think bigger!
(sings)
NAPOLEON He WAS TEENSY
BUT THIS GAVE HIM NO WORRY
HE SAW HIMSELF AS TEN FEET HIGH
HE TOLD HIMSELF, “I’M MIGHTY!
FOR ME THE FRENCH SHOULD FIGHTY”
EVEN THOUGH THIS WAS A LIE
(spoken)
Yes?
ARTHUR & COMRADES
Yes!!
IGOR
THAT’S WHAT MADE NAPOLEON GREAT
ARTHUR & COMRADES
THAT’S WHAT MADE NAPOLEON GREAT
IGOR
THAT’S WHY HIS NAME WE CELEBRATE
ARTHUR & COMRADES
THAT’S WHY HIS NAME WE CELEBRATE
IGOR
THAT’S WHAT MADE NAPOLEON GREAT
ARTHUR & COMRADES
MADE NAPOLEON GREAT
ALL
AND HIS RIVALS HATE HIM SO
IGOR
GENGHIS KHAN AND HENRY EIGHT WERE CRAZY, YES
BUT NEVER BACKING DOWN
THE MAN WHO WILL NOT STICK HIS GUN
HE IS MAN WHO’S BEING A CLOWN
(spoken)
Are you a clown?
ARTHUR
Yes! No!
IGOR
Arthur, please to not be so much the wishy-washy boy.
(sings)
NO MATTER IF YOU’RE FAILING
some COMFORT YOU’LL BE TAKING
In KNOWING THAT YOU FOUGHT TO WIN
AND ALWAYS YOU BELIEVING
THAT SACRIFICE IS NOBLE
SURRENDER IS THE GREATEST SIN
Yes?
Comrades
Yes!!
Igor
THAT’S WHAT MADE ALL THE GREAT MEN GREAT
COMRADES
THAT’S WHAT MADE ALL THE GREAT MEN GREAT
IGOR
That’s why their names we celebrate
COMRADES
That’s why their names we celebrate
IGOR
THAT’S WHAT MADE ALL THE GREAT MEN GREAT
ARTHUR & COMRADES
ALL THE GREAT MEN GREAT
ALL
AND THEIR RIVALS, rivals
Curse them, curse them
Rivals, rivals…
Curse and hate the so,
Hey!
THEY DANCE, stomping, kicking and working themselves into a frenzy of machismo.
After the dust clears…
Igor
THINK OF ATTILA THE HUN
ARTHUR
Attila?
IGOR
WAS HE SORRY FOR THE
PEOPLES HE WOULD SACK?
COMRADES
Niet! Of course not! Never! (etc)
IGOR
NO, HE TOOK ACTION
AND SATISFACTION
IN EVERY BRUTAL, SNEAK ATTACK
IGOR & COMRADES
(speaking)
Attack!
IGOR
(singing)
THINK OF THE VIKINGS OF OLD
ARTHUR
Vikings!
IGOR
DID THEY WORRY THAT IT
MIGHT BE WRONG TO LOOT?
COMRADES
No! Niet! Uh-uh! (etc)
IGOR
NO, THEY WERE RUTHLESS
Comrades
Ruthless!
Igor
and NEVER TOOTHLESS
Comrades
Not Toothless!
Igor
AND IF YOU STOOD BETWEEN THEM
AND THEIR PRIZE
YOU’D FEEL THEIR VIKING BOOt
They gather in formation, dancing slowly at first, then picking up speed.
IGOR (CONT’D)
NO MATTER IF YOU’RE FAILING
ARTHUR & COMRADES
Hey!
IGOR
some COMFORT YOU’LL BE TAKING
ARTHUR & COMRADES
Hey!
IGOR
In KNOWING THAT YOU FOUGHT TO WIN
ARTHUR & COMRADES
FOUGHT TO WIN!
IGOR
AND ALWAYS YOU BELIEVING
ARTHUR & COMRADES
Hey!
IGOR
THAT SACRIFICE IS NOBLE
ARTHUR & COMRADES
Hey!
IGOR
SURRENDER IS THE GREATEST SIN
ARTHUR & COMRADES
SURRENDERING’S A SIN
ARTHUR
AH…
IGOR
THAT’S WHAT MADE ALL THE GREAT MEN GREAT
COMRADES
THAT’S WHAT MADE ALL THE GREAT MEN GREAT
IGOR
EVEN WHEN DYING WAS THEIR FATE
COMRADES
EVEN WHEN DYING WAS THEIR FATE
ARTHUR
AH, AH, AH
IGOR
THAT’S WHAT MADE ALL THE GREAT MEN GREAT
ARTHUR & COMRADES
ALL THE GREAT MEN GREAT
ALL
AND THEIR RIVALS
CURSE AND HATE THEM SOooooooooooo
THAT’S WHAT MADE THEM GREAT!
(shouted)
YES!!!
They slap each other on the backs, laughing and reveling in their manliness.
IGOR
So, what is this simple task you have been failing to perform?
Arthur looks uncomfortably at Igor’s Comrades who are listening intently.
ARTHUR
I…really shouldn’t say.
IGOR
Ah! I understand.
(to Comrades)
Go! Tell mamen’ka I come soon! And save me a knish!
COMRADES
Ok! Da! Konechno! (etc)
Comrades exit.
IGOR
So. Now we talk, man to man. This thing you must do…Is it having to do with love?
Arthur looks around and lowers his voice.
ARTHUR
It is having to do with murder.
IGOR
Ah! You have my interest! And who is this murderer?
Arthur indicates himself. Igor is impressed.
IGOR (CONT’D)
You?!
ARTHUR
No, no. Don’t overestimate me. As a murderer I’m an utter disgrace.
IGOR
You’re being so hard on yourself, Arthur. To be good at anything, one must practice, yes?
ARTHUR
I never thought of it that way.
IGOR
May I ask, what is your method?
ARTHUR
Well, I tried poison, but I muddled it.
IGOR
Oh. No, no. Not poison. It is nasty business. Too slow. And all the foaming at the mouth. Undignified. Please…May I be offering to you my professional opinion?
ARTHUR
I would be most appreciative.
IGOR
A bomb. Yes? Kaboom! – in a flash, your problem’s being solved. It is quick, it is empathetic!
ARTHUR
Emphatic?
IGOR
That is what I said. And I can get one for you wholesale.
ARTHUR
That’s very kind of you, but who would I kill? I have no enemies.
IGOR
Naturally. Only great geniuses has enemies. But even man of no genius has someone to dislike.
ARTHUR
I can’t think of anyone.
The Dean of Chichester enters.
DEAN
Good God, is that you, Arthur?
ARTHUR
(to himself)
Oh no –
(to Dean)
Uh, yes. Uncle John.
DEAN
My dear boy, you look dreadful. Whatever are you doing in the gutter? Let me help you up. Take my arm.
Arthur reaches and then hesitates, thinking of the practical joke possibilities.
DEAN (CONT’D)
(Off Arthur’s hesitation)
Come, come, give me some credit. Do you think I’d play a prank on you when I find you thus?
ARTHUR
(Relieved)
Of course not.
Arthur grabs the proffered hand and pulls. The Dean’s arm rips off.
ARTHUR (CONT’D)
Auuughh!!!!
The Dean laughs uproariously. Arthur is trying not to gag at the sight of the bloody arm in his hand. Once again, Igor hands Arthur his hankie.
DEAN
You never do get wise, do you my boy?
Igor takes the fake arm from Arthur and thrusts it at the Dean.
IGOR
Please to be taking your funny stump. I do not care for this way you treat my friend the Lord Arthur.
DEAN
Don’t be a fool. Arthur knows the Good Lord loves a laugh – don’t you, my boy? Well, I’m off!
He exits.
IGOR
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Arthur nods.
ARTHUR/IGOR
(together)
Kaboom.
Igor brandishes a business card.
IGOR
Guard this well. To Scotland Yard, this is the pot of gold for a leper.
Arthur
Sorry?
Igor
It is like gold. In a leper’s pot.
Arthur
Gold in a leper’s pot? Oh! You mean a Leprechaun’s pot of gold!
Igor
Yes! That is what I said.
SONG #14a: WHAT MADE ALEXANDER GREAT UNDERSCORE
Igor (cont’d)
It’s the address of one Herr Winckelkopf, bomb maker to the elite of the revolutionary underground.
As Igor speaks, Arthur follows his directives to the next scene.
IGOR (CONT’D)
It is very simple to find. First you make your way down Greek Street, through the archway at the south end of Bayle’s Court, past the French Laundry and under the maze of clothes-lines stretching from house to house in the tiny cul-de-sac. Soon you will arrive at a little green door at the end of the lane.
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
Scene Three
HERR WINCKELKOPF’S LAIR. That NIGHT.
Arthur steps up to the green door and knocks. The neighborhood is dingy and dangerous. GUNTHER, an angry little creature of a man, enters through the gloom, hollering.
GUNTHER
(heavy German accent)
Yah?! Coming!! I’m coming!!
(he opens the door irritably)
Vat do you vant?!
Arthur is taken aback.
ARTHUR
Uh…I, uh…
GUNTHER
(impatient and angry)
Vat iss your business here?!!
ARTHUR
I’m sorry. I’m here to see Herr Winckelkopf.
Arthur hands Gunther the card Igor gave him. Gunther looks at it, grabs Arthur unpleasantly and pulls him inside. He looks up the street suspiciously, then comes inside and shuts the “door”.
GUNTHER
(shouting off)
Customer!
Gunther scuttles off into the darkness. Arthur is alone onstage.
Suddenly, a harsh light – like a klieg light – blazes in Arthur’s face. He shield’s his eyes trying to see who’s approaching. After a moment, a menacing HERR WINCKELKOPF enters in stark silhouette. He’s chewing on a chicken bone. He’s seems to be a very menacing German.
HERR WINCKELKOPF
You interrupted my supper.
ARTHUR
I’m terribly sorry…
HERR WINCKELKOPF
What is wrong with you? Are you lost?
ARTHUR
(shaken)
No. I’m…Igor Ivanovich referred me to you and…I am anxious to have a short interview with you on a matter of business. My name is, uh…Smith. Mr. Robert Smith, and I want you to supply me with an exploding device. A…a bomb.
HERR W.
I know who you are, Lord Arthur Savile. Don‘t look so alarmed. It is my duty to know everybody. I remember seeing you one evening at the Merton’s. I hope your fiancé is taking your postponement well.
ARTHUR
She is, thank you. Um…I’m sorry. Would you mind putting out that light? It’s hard to see your face.
HERR W.
Forgive me. We don’t get many visitors here.
(he yells off left)
Gunther! Schloss die Tür!
GUNTHER (O.S.)
OK!!
The light goes out. What remains is gloom.
HERR W.
Are you hungry? Come, join me. I have an excellent paté. And the wine is superb.
ARTHUR
Oh. Um…thank you.
Lights up on THE DINING ROOM. Herr W. and Arthur cross to the table and sit. Winckelkopf pours wine and eats. Arthur watches.
HERR W.
So. An exploding “device” you say? Do you wish to intimidate or terminate?
ARTHUR
Oh…to, uh…te, uh..ter…
HERR W.
Terminate.
(Arthur nods, relieved)
May I ask for whom it is intended? If it is for the police, I am afraid I cannot do anything for you. I find that by relying on their stupidity, we can do exactly what we like. I could not spare one of them.
ARTHUR
I assure you that it has nothing to do with the police at all. In fact, the device is intended for the, uh…
(looks around, then lowers his voice)
The Dean of Chichester.
HERR W.
Mein Gott! I had no idea you felt so strongly about religion, Lord Arthur.
ARTHUR
I’m afraid you overrate me, Herr Winckelkopf. The fact is, I know nothing about theology.
HERR W.
So, it is merely that the man is a swine?
ARTHUR
Something like that.
HERR W.
Very well. What kind of a device do you fancy?
SONG #15: MITT DE BOOM
HERR W. (CONT’D)
(a sparkle in his eye)
I have many.
(sings)
I LIKE TO PLAY
MITT DE BOOM
UNT DE BANG
IT KEEPS ME A LITTLE BOY AT HEART
CAN’T KEEP AWAY
FROM DE ZOOM
UNT DE ZANG
SETS YOUR BRAIN RACING
GETS YOUR PULSE STARTED
I ALWAYS SAY
IF YOU DO
WHAT YOU LOVE
IT’S MORE THAN A JOB IT’S AN ART
SO MY DOGGED DEVOTION
IS TO MAKE A SWEET EXPLOSION
CAUSE IT KEEPS ME A LITTLE BOY AT HEART
MY PAPA MADE DE BOMB
MY MAMA MADE DE BOMB
MY BOOBBI AND MY BUBBI WHEN THEY LIVE
THEY MADE DE BOMB
THEY TEACH ME ALL THEY KNOW
THEY SMILE AS I GROW
THEY TEACH ME YOU DO NOT FORGET
WHERE YOU’RE FROM
WE WERE DE MERRIEST FAMILY
DE WINCKELKOPF TRADITION’S SO STRONG
DO WHAT YOU ADORE
UNT ALL THROUGH YOUR DAYS UNT YOUR NIGHTS
YOU’LL BE SINGING
DIS HAPPY LITTLE SONG
I LIKE TO PLAY
MITT DE BOOM
UNT DE BANG
KEEPS ME A LITTLE BOY AT HEART
CAN’T KEEP AWAY
FROM DE ZOOM
UNT DE ZANG
SETS YOUR BRAIN RACING
GETS YOUR PULSE STARTED
I ALWAYS SAY
IF YOU DO
WHAT YOU LOVE
IT’S MORE THAN A JOB IT’S AN ART
SO MY DOGGED DEVOTION
IS TO MAKE A SWEET EXPLOSION
CAUSE I’M ONLY
PAPA WINCKELKOPF’S LITTLE BOY AT HEART
They move to Winckelkopf’s Geppetto-like workshop.
ARTHUR
(taking in all the “devices”)
Good Lord! Such variety!
Herr W. points out the different models for purchase. Gunther has joined. There is altogether too much joy in blowing things up.
HERR W.
A HAT
GUNTHER
CAN BE A BOMB!
HERR W.
A SHOE
GUNTHER
CAN BE A BOMB!
HERR W.
A STATUETTE OR MINIATURE BAMBOO
GUNTHER
CAN BE A BOMB!
HERR W.
A CUP
GUNTHER
CAN BE A BOMB!
HERR W.
A RAKE
GUNTHER
CAN BE A BOMB!
HERR W.
A LAYER CAKE OR UNDER-COOKED SWISS STEAK
GUNTHER
CAN BE A BOMB!
HERR W.
SING TO DE WINCKELKOPF FAMILY
WE WINCKELKOPFS, WE’RE SUCH A JOLLY THRONG
WORK HAS KEPT US YOUNG
THAT’S WHY ALL OUR NIGHTS UNT OUR DAYS
WE ARE SINGING
THIS HAPPY LITTLE SONG
(speaks)
Take it, Gunther!
GUNTHER
(sings/hollers off key)
I LIKE TO PLAY
MITT DE BOOM
UNT DE BANG
IT KEEPS ME A LITTLE BOY AT HEART
HERR W.
That’s enough. Mein Gott! You sound like a sheep in heat. Go! Make warm the schnitzel.
GUNTHER
OK!!
MUSIC CONTINUES. Gunther exits. Herr W. turns to Arthur who is picking up a French mantle clock.
Arthur
This is a beautiful clock.
Herr W.
Aagh!!
Arthur freezes.
Herr W. (cont’d)
Don’t…move…a muscle.
Herr W. gently removes the clock from Arthur hands.
Herr W. (cont’d)
This is my most powerful explosive to date. I call it a “time bomb.” Get it? Time? Bomb?
Arthur
How does it work?
HERR. W.
(wagging his finger)
Uh, uh, uh. That is a trade secret. You merely tell me the hour you wish it to explode and it will be done. Do you need it for today?
Arthur
Uh, yes. Please.
HERR W.
(shouts to Gunther)
Gunther!
Gunther (os)
Yah?!!
Herr W.
Box!!
Gunther (os)
OK!!
Gunther grabs a box as Herr W. gingerly sets the clock.
Herr W.
And for the hour of explosion?
Arthur
Uh…I…I suppose, noon?
Herr w.
(with surprise)
You will be in Chichester Cathedral by noon?! You have a very fast horse.
Arthur
No, no. The Dean is in London during the summer. He has a home along the river on Upper Thames Street. Number 84.
Herr W.
Gunther! Write that down!
Gunther
Ya! 84! Upper Thames!
Herr W.
You will take it yourself or would you like it delivered?
ARTHUR
You make deliveries?
WINCKELKOPF
Gunther does.
(Gunther re-enters and eyes Arthur angrily.)
He gets grumpy if I don’t let him out now and then. He so adores the little children.
Gunther is growling at Lord Arthur.
ARTHUR
To eat?
WINCKELKOPF
(Laughs)
Ha ha! You make joke! I like you, Lord Arthur!
ARTHUR
(trying to share the laugh)
Ha-ha. I will put it in the post myself.
Herr W.
Very well.
Arthur
(peering over Herr W.’s shoulder)
I say, how exactly does it —
Herr W.
Quiet!
(Now working delicately with the clock mechanism.)
I’m setting the pin to drop on the final stroke of noon today.
ARTHUR
(suddenly)
Wait!
Herr W. jumps. So does Gunther.
Herr W. And Gunther
Aaugh!
Herr W.
Don’t do that!!
Arthur
So sorry. I just thought…perhaps…we can make it for noon tomorrow?
There is now an audible ticking. Herr W. steps ominously away from the ticking clock.
HERR W.
Too late!
(in awed tones)
It is already ticking.
Wide-eyed, hearing the bomb ticking dangerously, Arthur shakes his head.
HERR W. (CONT’D)
(Barking)
Gunther! Pack it up!
Gunther, now in ridiculous protective gear, approaches the ticking bomb. He packs it gingerly for delivery.
Arthur
And for your fee?
Herr W.
No no. I couldn’t possibly accept money from you. Let us just say, this one is for my art.
GUNTHER
(loudly)
The box, she is ready!
HERR W.
Good boy, Gunther! Heal!!
Gunther darts behind Herr W., hiding from the ticking package. Keeping his distance, Herr W. indicates for Arthur to pick up the box.
Herr W. (cont’d)
Now it is up to you, Lord Arthur. Good luck!
Arthur takes the bomb carefully and exits. Herr W. and Gunther sing once more.
HERR W. (CONT’D)
SO MY DOGGED DEVOTION
IS TO MAKE A SWEET EXPLOSION
CAUSE I’M ONLY
BOOBBI WINCKELKOPF’S
LITTLE BABY BOY AT HEART
Herr W. and Gunther begin to dance together.
HERR W. AND GUNTHER
MITT DE BOOM
UNT DE BANG
MITT DE ZOOM
UNT DE KEZANG
KEEPS ME A LITTLE BOY AT HEART
They slam the door and Arthur is left alone with the very audibly ticking bomb.
SONG #16: not so long ago
Arthur
(sings)
Here I stand
In a filthy Little alley
With a Filthy little box
in my filthy little hands
How did I arrive here?
Will this keep her safe?
Is this truly what fate demands
Not so long ago
I was blithely
Self-assured
Not so long ago
The future seemed so bright
Happiness secured
Not so long ago
Days were simple
Fancy free
Not so long ago
I believed my dearest love
Was right in loving me
But can I stand by her side
Once I’ve crossed this line
I walk
Can I take her in my arms
Gaze into her eyes
Once time’s run out
On this fateful clock
He holds the box near his ear to listen to the ticking.
Arthur (cont’d)
Not so long ago
I’d no secrets
To protect
Not so long ago
I was honest and upstanding
Worthy of respect
Who have I become?
In the name of love
I don’t know
But I see I’m not
The man she loved
The man I was
Not so long ago
Direct segue to…
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
Scene Four
THE BUCKINGHAM MEN’S CLUB. Later that Morning.
The Club regulars build the club around Arthur, who stands stalk still in deep thought.
SONG #17: PROPER POISON REPRISE (BOMB) (no demo)
MEN AT THE CLUB
(O.S.)
The Siren call of the club
Is at its very peak
When gentleman are low
and at their weakest
BOMB, BOMB, BOMB, BOMB
BOMB, BOMB, BOMB, BOMB
The Club Regulars are celebrating, with silly hats, horns and crackers in hand.
They pull on their crackers with a LOUD POP!
Arthur
(thinking the bomb has gone off)
Aaggh!!!
Dr. Smytheson sees Arthur’s reaction.
DR. Smytheson
Good lord, Arthur. You’re on a short fuse today.
Arthur
Sorry. Sorry about that. Sorry.
Dr. Smytheson
What’s this in the box? A present for me?
Arthur
(clutches the box in a panic)
No!
Dr. Smytheson
Well, it is my birthday, don’t you know?
Arthur
No, I didn’t. Happy Birthday, sir.
Dr. Smytheson
Thank you, old boy! Ha ha.
Billy, the Barman, has approached Arthur from behind. He’s opening a bottle of champagne.
The bottle releases the cork with a LOUD POP!
Arthur
(again, thinking the bomb has exploded)
Aagh!!
(Turns to see Billy)
Good God, man! Don’t sneak up on me like that.
Billy
Sorry, Sir! Didn’t mean to startle. May I help with the box?
Arthur
No!!
(softening)
Sorry, Billy. A bit on edge, I’m afraid.
Billy
Not a problem, sir. A drink then?
Arthur
Absolutely. But not champagne. Something stiffer. And make it a double?
Billy
Very good, sir.
As Arthur turns from Billy, he collides with Saunders. Arthur wildly clutches the bomb box.
Arthur
Look out! I say!
(recognizing Saunders)
Saunders?
Saunders
I do beg your pardon, Sir
Arthur
What on earth are you doing here?
Saunders
Miss Sybil came to the flat this morning, sir, in a great deal of distress. It appears Sir Thomas Knight has announced his engagement.
Arthur
What? Engagement?! Saunders, do you realize what that means? Another prediction come true.
Saunders
Sir?
Arthur
First, I lost a distant relative.
Saunders
Lady Clementina?
Arthur
Exactly. And now this announcement about Sir Thomas.
Saunders
I see what you mean, sir. It has put the entire Merton household into quite a state of frenzy. I mean, what with Sir Thomas being a confirmed bachelor, and you and Miss Sybil…well, you know…still without a date. That’s why Miss Sybil was most insistent to see you.
Arthur
No! I cannot see her! Not until this whole nasty business is finished, once and for all.
Saunders
That’s just it, Sir. You see, she was really quite persistent.
Arthur
Yes, well, I’m safe in here, aren’t I? Even she wouldn’t pursue me into a Men’s Club.
Sybil, dressed as a man, has approached.
Sybil
What’s in the box?
Turns angrily to her.
Arthur
(even louder than before)
Nothing!!
(Recognizes Sybil)
Sybil!!
(Sotto voce)
What are you doing here? This is a…men’s club!
Sybil
Why do you think I’m wearing this ridiculous attire? Saunders helped me.
Saunders
She did insist, Sir.
As Arthur turns to Saunders, Sybil takes the box.
Arthur
Aagh!!
Sybil
What is in this box, Arthur?
Arthur
Now…Sybil, please…give that back.
Sybil backs away, still holding the box.
Sybil
Why?
Arthur pursues her cautiously around the room.
Arthur
I…can’t tell you. Just…please!! Give it back to me!
Sybil
Tell me what’s inside.
ARTHUR
It’s a…a….present…for you.
SYBIL
Oh. Lovely. I’ll open it now.
She sets it on the bar and makes to open it.
ARTHUR
No!! It’s a surprise!!
Billy appears behind the bar.
Billy
Shall I deal with it, sir.
Arthur
Please, Billy. Just get it away from her.
(catching himself)
Him! Her-him. Yes. This is an…old friend of mine…Mr. Her-him.
Billy
(nodding to Sybil)
Sir.
Billy exits with the box.
SYBIL
Arthur, you haven’t been to dinner. You barely answer my notes. Why are you avoiding me?
ARTHUR
It is only for your safety that I stay away. It’s awfully difficult for me as well.
SYBIL
It won’t be difficult after tonight.
ARTHUR
Why tonight?
SYBIL
Mother is taking me away.
ARTHUR
What?!!
SYBIL
That’s what I came to tell you. We leave on the evening train to Dover.
ARTHUR
Why on earth would she take you away?
SYBIL
She thinks you’ve come completely unhinged. She says…
Mrs. Merton appears – at home.
Mrs. merton
He’s come completely unhinged! I cannot understand you, Sybil. Arthur has humiliated you and our family and yet you remain devoutly faithful. You’re just like your father, keenly loyal and always forgiving. Fortunately for the both of you I suffer from neither trait. You need a husband. Now! Not a namby-pamby fool who cannot make up his mind. A proper husband.
SYBIL
But I told her I don’t want a proper husband! I want you.
ARTHUR
Darling…
MRS. MERTON
(interrupting)
I am not finished! If, by the end of the day, Arthur cannot commit to a wedding date, I will take my beautiful and eligible daughter to meet the beautiful and eligible young men who are traveling abroad. Perhaps if I cannot convince you to give up on Lord Arthur Savile, they can.
She exits.
SYBIL
Arthur. I have been patient. I have defended you to Mother, to our friends and nearly all of London. But I’m beginning to worry they are right and you do not love me.
ARTHUR
Oh, Sybil, they’re wrong! It’s just —
(pained)
There is something I must do before we wed. And if I tell you what it is, you may not love me anymore.
Sybil
That is impossible. I will never stop loving you. Do you know why?
(Arthur shakes his head)
Song #18: A rare man
Sybil (cont’d)
(Sings)
You are a good man
A man who cares to do what’s right
I’ve never heard a thoughtless word from you
When the dark is looming
You turn and face the light
You are a good man
It’s true
You are a kind man
A man who thinks of others first
Sweet to all you meet, but not for show
You are my example
For even at your worst
You are a kind man
I know
Other men would posture and bluster
While quietly you offered me your heart
Other men would press their advantage
But never you,
I always knew
To trust you from the start
You are a fine man
The only man I’ll ever love
A life spent as your wife is all I need
Why would I look further?
We fit like hand and glove
You are a good man
A kind man
A fine man
You are a rare man indeed
They kiss. The sleeping men have awakened and are watching.
Dr. Smytheson
A-hem.
Sybil bolts, leaving Arthur alone. He assumes a macho stance.
ARTHUR
Nice chap. Love him like a brother.
The men scatter, talking amongst themselves.
Saunders approaches Arthur.
SAUNDERS
I am so sorry, sir. She was quite determined to find you.
ARTHUR
Did you hear what she said, Saunders? She says I’m a good man. What a fool I’ve been.
Saunders
Sir?
Arthur
She trusts me to do what’s right, and it isn’t right to take a life, no matter what the reason. I must end this farce once and for all.
Saunders
I’m so glad to hear you say that, Sir!
Arthur turns to Billy.
Arthur
Billy! I’ll take that box now.
Billy
I took care of it, Sir. Just as you asked.
Arthur
Took care of what?
Billy
The box.
Arthur
What on earth do you mean?!
Billy
I’ve sent it to the address on the top. The Dean of Chichester. Upper Thames, wasn’t it?
Arthur
Good Lord!
Saunders
What is it, Sir? What is in that box?!
Arthur
A bomb!
Saunders
A bo—
Arthur covers Sanders’ mouth.
Arthur
Exactly. And we’ve not a moment to lose! It’s quarter past eleven and that “box” is set to go off at noon!
Saunders
My God!
They exit.
SONG #18A – Proper Poison Bomb
Men sing and dance as they leave the Men’s Club.
Men
Bomb bomb bomb bomb
Bomb bomb bomb bomb
Bomb bomb bomb bomb…
Segue to…
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
Scene Five
THE DEAN OF CHICHESTER’S FRONT GARDEN. A HALF an HOUR LATER.
Arthur sidles in suspiciously. He’s dressed as a gardener, wearing a terrible beard and mustache and working a pair of pruning sheers. He stops for a moment, pulls out binoculars and looks up at the Dean’s flat.
ARTHUR
Saunders! Psst! Saunders! Where are you hiding? Come out. The coast is clear.
Saunders, also dressed in gardener attire, enters wearing a gas mask and working a pump sprayer.
SAUNDERS
I must say, sir, I feel rather foolish in this get-up.
ARTHUR
No one is watching. Just act naturally.
Saunders
I do wish I understood your plan, Sir.
Arthur
First, we find a way into the Dean’s flat and retrieve that bomb.
Saunders
And then what?
Arthur
I don’t know. But I’m sure it’s not going to be pretty.
Arthur looks through the binoculars again. The Dean and his two creepy daughters enter and approach Arthur and Saunders from behind, unseen.
Saunders
Can you see anything?
ARTHUR
Not a thing. I don’t think anyone is home.
DEAN
Lord Arthur!
ARTHUR
Aaaaah!! Stop doing that!!
(sees it’s the Dean)
Oh! Uncle John.
DEAN
What are you doing in our garden?
ARTHUR
Nothing. Nothing at all. We were just…uh…just pursuing a…butterfly. For my collection. That’s it. Weren’t we Saunders?
SAUNDERS
As you say, sir.
ALICE
But why the disguises?
ARTHUR
Oh. Well…it’s a…very clever butterfly, miss.
(turns to Saunders)
Isn’t that right?
SAUNDERS
(taking the ball and running)
Oh yes, sir. Knows us by sight, he does.
Sybil pops up from behind a nearby bush, eavesdropping.
DEAN
Ah. Murder written all over your face, eh? Ha ha ha! You know, Lucy here is quite the lepidopteran herself.
ARTHUR
Really?
(trying to pronounce)
A lepi…lepidoptoma….
LUCY
You must come up and see my collection.
Alice
Yes! Won’t you come up?
Saunders
We really cannot —
ARTHUR
(pointedly)
Yes! Please!
DEAN
Wonderful. While you’re here, I can show you my latest acquisition.
The Dean and his daughters laugh.
ALICE
Oh, do come up — see the lovely gift someone sent daddy, quite anonymously!
ARTHUR
Gift…?
The girls drag Arthur and Saunders up to the Dean’s apartment.
At a distance, Sybil pursues the group.
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
Scene Six
THE INTERIOR OF THE DEAN’S FLAT
The Dean lives well. The clock is prominently displayed on a nearby table. There is a pair of double doors leading to a balcony upstage center, overlooking the River Thames.
The Dean and his daughters enter, followed by Arthur and Saunders.
DEAN
Yes. There it is. Strangest thing. Anonymous. Delivered just today.
Arthur
Heavens. What a…beautiful clock. Isn’t that a beautiful clock, Saunders?
Saunders
Absolutely, sir. I would be afraid to even touch a clock that beautiful, Sir.
Dean
Arrived not an hour ago. No Note. Have no idea who sent the thing. Knocked me quite off my feet.
Arthur
Indeed.
Saunders
(to Arthur, starting to panic)
Sir. Look at the time on the clock.
Dean
Yes, it’s nearly noon. Just in time to hear it chime!
Arthur
(getting nervous)
Good Lord. Noon? Already? It must be running fast. Don’t you think it’s running fast, Saunders? Why don’t we reset it?
Saunders
Indeed.
The Dean checks his pocket watch.
Dean
Not at all. It’s right on the dot. Why don’t you wait a minute? It has a lovely tone.
Saunders
(panic rising)
Sir!
Arthur
(speaking faster now)
No. I’m sure it’s running fast. I’ll tell you what. I know a wonderful man in High Street Kensington who works on these clocks. Why don’t I take it to him right away and have it adjusted. Here we go…
Arthur picks up the clock.
Dean
Nonsense. It’s perfectly fine. There’s nothing wrong with that clock.
It starts to CHIME. Outside the French doors, Sybil is climbing up onto the balcony.
Dean (cont’d)
There. You see. It’s started to chime, right on cue.
Saunders
(aside)
Sir? What do we do?
Arthur
I don’t know.
Saunders
(with solemn loyalty)
Give it to me.
He takes it from Arthur.
Arthur
Certainly not!
Arthur takes it back from Saunders.
Dean
I’ll take it. Put it back on the table.
He takes it.
Lucy
Can I have it, Daddy? I want it for my study.
She takes it.
Alice
I said I wanted it. And you told me I could have it next to my bed.
She takes it. The CHIMING CONTINUES.
Saunders
Striking eight, sir!!!
Arthur
Give it to me!
(he takes it from Alice)
Saunders! Open the doors! Into the Thames with it! Quickly!!
Dean
Really, I must protest. There is nothing wrong with that clock!!
Saunders opens the French doors.
Sybil
Arthur!
Arthur throws the clock through the doors into Sybil’s hands. She stumbles backwards, tumbles over the railing and falls off the balcony, out of sight.
Saunders closes the doors.
There is a splash.
Arthur and Saunders
Whew.
Lucy
Who was that man on the balcony?
Arthur realizes what’s happened.
He runs to the doors and throws them open. There’s an EXPLOSION in the river below. Everyone recoils.
Arthur
Noooooooooooo!!!
Song #19: This is life (no demo)
Shift to a macabre light. We are in Arthur’s mind.
All the actors turn on Arthur. They point and sing – they’re the voices in his head.
ENSEMBLE
MURDERER!!!
Arthur
(anguished)
Sybil!!!
Ensemble
You’re a murderer!!!
Murderer!!!
Arthur
Noooooooooooo!!!
ENSEMBLE
YOU’RE A MURDERER!!!!
YOU’RE A MURDERER!!!!
Lord Arthur, Lord Arthur, Lord Arthur
Lord Arthur, Lord Arthur, Lord Arthur
Lord Arthur, Lord Arthur —
Arthur
(to the voices in his head)
Stoooooop!!!
Arthur
I thought I could save her
How I tried, but I failed
Fate wouldn’t be denied
“The man who killed his bride”
that’s how I’ll be remembered
A fitting epitaph
But why would you take her?
As some sick sort of joke?
Are you amused by my plight?
guess the dean was always right
Our puny lives are farce
And the good lord loves a laugh
Arthur
(shouting in anguish at the heavens)
Sybil!! Why Sybil?!!
(sings bitterly)
This is life
Full of stunning surprises
All Twists and turns One cannot foresee
This is life
Now I know
There is only this moment
The moment you realize how bad life can be
This is life
It’s a nauseous endeavor
A raging tide you cannot resist
This is life
In a flash
you may find that your love’s gone for good
And you’re standing alone and un-kissed
This is life
You’ll find
It’s a runaway carriage
A ship with no rudder or wheel
And it’s anyone’s guess
How to get through the mess
What a Rotten ordeal
This is life
This its life
It’s a shoddy proposal
And over in the blink of an eye
This is life
It’s a sham
With disaster awaiting around
every corner So why even try?
Arthur makes his way to the Tower Bridge and climbs over the railing, preparing to jump to his death.
This is life
It’s a joke
Full of misguided numskulls who waste time
On what’s yet to be
And it’s folly to care
It’ll end in despair
And without her
It’s no place for me
Direct segue to…
Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime
Scene Seven
THE TOWER BRIDGE.
Another man — Podgers, though we don’t recognize him yet — has entered and is also preparing to jump.
ARTHUR (CONT’D)
Goodbye, cruel world!
PODGERS
Goodbye, cruel world!
ARTHUR
I have done my utmost.
PODGERS
I have done my utmost.
ARTHUR/PODGERS
Endeavored to do my duty as fate would see fit…
Arthur stops and looks over at Podgers, perturbed.
PODGERS
…but I have failed.
ARTHUR
(beyond frustrated)
Do you mind? I’m trying to kill myself.
PODGERS
Well, get on with it. I can’t wait all night.
ARTHUR
(Recognizing him)
You!!!!
PODGERS
(Recognizing Arthur)
You!!!!
Saunders has entered and spots Arthur.
SAUNDERS
Sir!
Arthur looks to Saunders.
Arthur
Saunders??
Podgers peers around Arthur to see Saunders.
Podgers
Saunders??
Both Arthur and Saunders look to Podgers.
Saunders
(seeing Podgers for the first time)
Good God!
(MUSIC OUT)
Freddy Finkle?!
Podgers looks at Saunders with horror.
ARTHUR
What?
PODGERS
Saunders? Snot-Nose Saunders? Is that you?
(He begins to laugh crazily. He’s mad.)
How utterly right you should be here. You were there at the beginning, why not at the end?
ARTHUR
Wait a minute. I thought your name was Podgers. You’re Freddy Finkle?
SAUNDERS
In the flesh.
ARTHUR
So, you can’t actually read palms?
PODGERS
No. Never could.
SAUNDERS
Just as I said, Sir.
Podgers
It doesn’t matter any more. I’m ending it all.
SAUNDERS
Why so low, Freddy? Got found out?
PODGERS
(desperate)
No one wants Cheiromancy anymore. Telepathy’s all the rage now. I’ve debts up to my arse and I’ve no way to cover them. I’m ruined.
ARTHUR
You lied to me?
PODGERS
You paid me to. A tidy sum, I might add.
ARTHUR
And now I’ve lost my Sybil!
Podgers
(mocking)
Oh, boo-hoo. Poor little Lord Arthur doesn’t get everything he wants. You and all the ruling class – you make me sick. Not a care in the world, a charmed life laid out for you from the minute you’re born, yet you turn to someone like me to tell you how much better your future will be. You had it all and now look at you! You’re a fool!
Arthur
You’re right. I am a fool!!!
Reggie
(calling up to Arthur)
Never a truer word was spoke, brother.
BOAT HORN.
Reggie appears below – floating up the river on the bow of his boat.
Reggie (cont’d)
A nattering fool, that’s you.
Arthur
Reggie?
Reggie
Ahoy there! I found something floating in the Thames that may be of interest to you.
Sybil steps out of the boat’s cabin, drenched and draped with sea weed.
ARTHUR
Sybil?!
Sybil
Arthur!
ARTHUR
She’s alive!! Sybil!
(to Saunders)
She’s alive!!!!
Reggie
Another gold star, brother! Of course she’s alive.
Sybil begins to climb the bridge pilings to Arthur.
Sybil
Arthur! Darling!
Arthur
I thought you were dead.
Saunders
All evidence to the contrary, sir!
Arthur
Oh, good fortune!
Arthur moves to help Sybil, but Podgers holds him back.
PODGERS
(maniacally)
Oh no! You don’t get a happy ending! Not if I have anything to say about it!!
They struggle. Podgers loses his balance and falls into the Thames below.
PODGERS
(fading as he plummets)
Aaaaagh!!
A splash.
Then a pause.
Arthur
Good heavens.
Saunders
Good lord.
ARTHUR
I – I think I…
ARTHUR AND SAUNDERS
…pushed him.
Arthur looks down at his palm.
SAUNDERS
Palm reader or no, sir, that does put him at three for three.
Arthur begins to laugh – a little crazily – and Saunders join him.
Arthur
(gaining his composure)
Reggie, send your captain after that gentleman who just went into the river? He may still be alive.
Saunders
But, sir! You don’t mean to help him?!
Arthur
Of course!
(with a wink to Saunders)
What do you take me for, some kind of murderer?
Then…
Sybil
I say, could someone lend me a hand?
Arthur
Yes, of course!
Arthur helps Sybil over the railing to safety. They embrace.
Arthur (Cont’d)
(caressing and kissing Sybil)
Oh, Sybil! You’re here. And all in one piece. How –?
Sybil
Yes, Arthur, Darling, but…I can’t say the same for that clock, I’m afraid. I tried to keep hold of it, really I did, but I lost it on the way down.
Arthur
I don’t care about the clock! You’re alive!
Reggie
(calling from below as he floats away)
You ought to take better care of your things, old boy!
Arthur
(calling back to Reggie)
I certainly will. From this day forward —
(to Sybil)
— for better or for worse. Good lord, you are beautiful.
They kiss.
SONG #20: This is life: reprise (No demo)
ARTHUR (cont’d)
(sings)
This is life
Full of stunning surprises
The twists and turns one cannot foresee
This is life
Now I know
There is only this moment
The moment you realize how grand life can be
Arthur swings Sybil around as the music swells. They dance as the company begins to sing.
Company
AHHHHHH
AHHHHHH
AHHHHHH
AHHHHHH
Arthur and Sybil have danced offstage.
All
This is life
What a joyous confection
Except the times it isn’t and then
It’s just life
Take a breath
Live in each precious moment
It’s over so quickly but who knows just when
This is life
And We’re all of us guessing
Ridiculous, well-meaning and blind
This is life
And for one
I am glad to be living
No time for regretting what I’ve left behind
Arthur and Sybil return dressed in wedding attire.
This is life
Play your hand
It’s a breathtaking gamble
And not for the faint of heart
This is life
What a fright
But oh, A delight
This is life, This is life, This is life
This may be the best part
This is life, This is life, This is life
This is life, This is life, This is life
This is life!
BOWS
Song: just around the corner (no demo)
ALL
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT’S JUST AROUND THE CORNER
WHO CAN SAY WHAT’S WAITING ROUND THE BEND
WHY WASTE YOUR TIME ON WHAT’S AROUND THE CORNER
TODAY IS HERE AND QUITE ENOUGH TO TEND
THERE’S THOSE WHO LIKE TO SAY
THEY KNOW WHAT’S ON THE WAY
DON’T ASK THEM “HOW?” OR “WHY?”
INSTEAD REPLY
NO HONEST MAN
HAS EYES TO SEE
WHAT GOD HAS PLANNED FOR YOU AND ME
NO ONE KNOWS
UNTIL THEY MEET
THEIR END
THE END
Oh, NO ONE KNOWS
What’s waiting ‘round the bend
CURTAIN FALLS
THE END