Sunday After Next – SCRIPT

SUNDAY AFTER NEXT

———-

A new musical

based on the short story

SUNDAY AFTER NEXT

by

Oscar Wilde

Book by

Kirby Ward and Beverly Ward

Music and Lyrics by

Beverly Ward

Bev and Kirby Ward

214 Jordan Ave

Ventura, CA 93001

(203) 434-6120

kirbydw@mac.com

© Copyright Bev and Kirby Ward

AUTHORS’ NOTE

The play can be performed by as few as 9 actors, or an ensemble and full company of lead actors can be incorporated. The breakdown provided is merely the Authors’ suggestion. The only characters who should not play other roles are Arthur and Sybil.

The show should flow effortlessly from location to location.

Set pieces should be sparse so as to keep scene changes as

nimble as possible.

If the lyrics in script differ from what is sung on the demo CD,

the script is correct.

CHARACTER BREAKDOWN

LORD ARTHUR SAVILE – Sincere and forthright, though slightly inept. Honorable to a fault, even when his sense of duty is terribly misguided. Desperately in love with Sybil. (The actor should look like a leading man/hero, but must be a true clown, capable of terrific physical comedy)

SYBIL MERTON – Arthur’s fiancé. Beautiful and sweet but no drippy fool. She is straightforward and innocent but anxious for the physical side of married life. (Like Arthur, the actor should look like an ingenue, but must be a fearless comedienne)

SAUNDERS – Arthur’s valet and stalwart companion. Devoted to his job and his employer. He performs his duties with pride and dignity, though sometimes he can get overwrought.

PODGERS – Short and round, possibly with an overly groomed mustache. Slightly prissy lover of the finer things. He has a very nasty streak that comes out in the end.

LADY CLEMENTINA CLARKE – A horrid old woman. She is Arthur and Reggie’s second cousin. Elderly, crotchety and miserable.

ROLPH – Lady Clem’s butler. Even older than she is and the slowest person on earth. 

REGGIE – Arthur’s younger brother. A playboy with no responsibilities or ambitions in life except to have a “ripping good time!”

MRS. MERTON – Sybil’s overbearing mother. Loves her daughter, but is demanding and uptight. She doesn’t care if Sybil loves Arthur – she’s more interested in the suitability of the match.

MR. MERTON – Sybil’s father. A man’s man. Good humored. Handles his wife with a wink and a chuckle. He likes Arthur very much.

IGOR IVANOVICH – A revolutionary of unspecific Eastern European descent. Looks and sounds dark and imposing, but is actually friendly and kind. Speaks with a thick accent.

HERR WINCKELKOPF – German bomb maker. He’s both eccentric and intimidating, but with the soul of a little child. Loves playing with his “toys”.

THE DEAN OF CHICHESTER – A presumptuous, insufferable practical joker. Says insulting and inappropriate things without batting an eye.

DUCHESS OF PAISLEY – An old, wealthy, and privileged biddy.

SIR THOMAS KNIGHT – Professed bachelor, with a hopeless romantic buried deep inside.

DR. SMYTHESON – A proper English doctor.

GUNTHER – A strange little creature of a man with a thick German accent and a nasty disposition. Has trouble modulating his voice. He’s loud.

ALICE and LUCY – The Dean’s two daughters. Strangely perky and presumptuous. Played by the same women who play Mrs. Merton and Lady Wakefield, acting as if they’re in their teens. The result should be very unbecoming.

BILLY, THE BARMAN – Friendly bartender at the Men’s Club.

EXECUTOR – Businesslike and straightforward.

MINISTER – Presides over a funeral. Sonorous, monotone voice.

Act One

Prologue

LONDON. 1898. IT IS EVENING.

SONG #1: SUNDAY AFTER NEXT

Aristocrats

(Reading invitations)

“Mr. and Mrs. Wilfred Merton

Cordially invite you

To celebrate the announcement

Of their daughter’s engagement

Join them this evening

Offer your goodwill

To the lucky sybil merton

And lord Arthur Savile”

All over London, the upper class gossip.

Aristocrats

Heaven knows I knew they’d marry

I was right, right from the start

Anyone could see she’d turned his head

We, the favored few will watch them wed

Sunday after next

Ladies

TheY’RE a him and her to die for

What a duo to behold

Gentlemen

She’s as fair of face as he is rich

All

What a lovely sight to see them hitch

Sunday after next

Gentlemen

There was never really any question

Ladies

Except how long he’d wait to propose

All

There’s Young men who’d wait until she’s twenty

And the bloom is off the rose

Ladies

But he’s asked

Gentlemen

And she’s accepted

all

So the wedding bells will chime

Ladies

Hear the pretty peaLS

All

AND TOSS that rice

As the precious love-birds Roll the dice

Sunday after next

MUSIC CONTINUES. Segue to…

Scene One

LORD ARTHUR’S London flat.

SAUNDERS – a manservant – prepares Arthur’s clothes for the evening.

Saunders

(Calling to Arthur OS)

A quarter past eight, sir!

LORD ARTHUR enters in a state of undress. He fiddles with his tie as he speaks excitedly.

Arthur

Damn, damn, damn! This tie! I seem to have traded my fingers for thumbs tonight. Saunders, lend me a hand, won’t you?!

SAUNDERS

Certainly, sir.

(helping him with his tie)

Prenuptial jitters, I expect.

ARTHUR

I can’t seem to think of anything else these days. Are you married, Saunders?

Saunders

Not so you’d notice, sir.

Arthur

Haven’t you even a shred of romance in you?

Saunders

Some people would say marriage has little to do with romance, Sir.

Arthur

Well, some people are fools!

Arthur continues to dress as he happily sings.

Arthur (cont’d)

one short fortnight

two weeks longer

fourteen days until I wed

think of all that lies ahead

starting Sunday, Sunday after next

She’ll be tender

I’ll be steadfast

Faithful man and doting wife

set for model married life

Starting Sunday, Sunday after next

On the Sunday after next

life, at last, begins

With a vow to share our hearts and minds

Sunday after next

Not a nothing, no-one,

None can break the tie that binds

(spoken)

For better, not worse.

(Sings)

I can see it

all so clearly

from day one ’til “death us do part”

i’ll be head and she’ll be heart

starting Sunday

Sunday after next

He’s ready.

Arthur

(to Saunders)

Well, I’m off!

MUSIC CONTINUES. Arthur exits his flat, on his way to the party.

Immediate segue to…

Scene Two

MR. and mrs. merton’S home

Lights up on THE MERTON HOME. The party is imminent. MRS. & MR. MERTON enter and meet.

Mrs. Merton

Willy! Where on earth is Sybil? Our guests will arrive any minute.

(calling)

Sybil?!

SYBIL MERTON appears.

Sybil

Here, Mamá.

Mrs. Merton

Well, where’s Arthur?

Sybil

He’ll be here.

Mr. Merton.

I’m certain the boy won’t miss his own engagement party. Ha ha!

Sybil giggles.

Mrs. Merton

(to Sybil and Mr. Merton)

Shhh. Now both of you, listen to me. Best behavior tonight. I have assembled only the most interesting in all of London. Six Cabinet Ministers, the Princess Sophia of Carlsrüh…

Sybil

I do hope she talks bad French at the top of her voice…

Mrs. Merton

(to Sybil, admonishing)

Best behavior!

(resuming her list)

Three popular preachers…

Mr. Merton

(Making a joke)

Only two if you count the Dean of Chichester.

Mrs. Merton

Willy!

(back to the list)

At least four violent Radicals…

Mr. Merton

Only three…

Sybil and MR. Merton

(spoken together)

…if you count the Dean of Chichester.

Mrs. Merton

(back to Mr. Merton)

That is really quite enough! The two of you are like children! After all the trouble I’ve gone to, does no-one care what the world thinks of us but me?

Sybil

(singing)

Dear Mamá, how you do fret

There’s No need! We’re ready, the servants all set

Papá will stop his smirking

we’ll none of us be shirking

We’ll pitch right in and see things go as planned

Meantime take a look at you

you’re Gorgeous, perfection, not a seam askew

MRS. MERTON

Now, stop.

Sybil

I’m taking it for granted

Our guests will be enchanted

ARTHUR enters the Merton home triumphantly, just on time.

Sybil (cont’d)

And Arthur’s just in time to take my hand!

Arthur

(To Sybil, hands outstretched)

Darling!

MRS. MERTON

(to Arthur)

You’re nearly late.

Arthur kisses Sybil’s hands as the doors are flung open. The party guests enter. Arthur, Sybil and the Mertons greet them graciously. Everyone sings.

Guests (Gentleman and Ladies)

Heaven knows I knew they’d marry

I was right from the start

They’re a him-and-her to die for

Fairly Made for the part

Anyone could see she’d turned his head

There was not a doubt that they would wed

There was Never any question

There was never any question

There was never any question

but how long He’d wait to state his heart

Arthur

I can see it

all so clearly

from day one

’til “death us do part”

i’ll be head and

she’ll be heart

all

COME THAT SUNDAY

what god has joined

no man can put asunder

Sunday after next

DIRECT SEGUE…

Scene Two-A

THE MERTON HOME. CONTINUED FROM BEFORE.

The Mertons and their guests are gathered around Sybil and Arthur, glasses raised.

Mr. merton

A toast! To our beloved Sybil, and the fine young man she’s chosen to marry.

(A murmur of ‘Hear! Hear!” from the group)

May they live a long, healthy and happy life as man and wife.

GUESTS/ALL

(Ad lib)

Cheers! Salud! To the happy couple! Etc…

Mrs. Merton

Now please, don’t go too far. We have a little entertainment planned just before dinner. Until then, drink, dance and enjoy yourselves.

(To the musicians)

Maestro…

The orchestra strikes up a waltz.

SONG #2: THIS IS LIFE (No Demo)

The guests mingle and dance.

Mrs. Merton

(To Sybil and Arthur)

You two, don’t spend the evening mooning in a corner. Mingle while I find my pet Cheiromantist, Mr. Podgers.

She surveys the crowd.

Arthur

Your what?

Mrs. Merton

My Cheiromantist. I seem to have misplaced him. Willy, help me dig him up?

(to Sybil and Arthur as she exits)

Mingle!

Mrs. Merton goes. Mr. Merton watches her, then turns to Sybil and Arthur, conspiratorially.

Mr. Merton

Last I checked, there was no one on the terrace.

He winks and Sybil laughs.

Sybil

You’re a dear.

MRS. MERTON (OS)

Willy!

MR. MERTON

Coming, my sweet!

He exits.

SYBIL

Quick. There’s something I must tell you.

She sweeps him away. The scene shifts…

OUT ONTO THE TERRACE.

SYBIL (CONT’D)

Alone at last.

Arthur

What could possibly require such privacy?

She pulls him to her and kisses him. They part and she beams at him. He’s blushing but entranced.

Arthur (CONT’D)

This is exactly why we need a chaperone. You’ve no idea how lucky you are that I’m a man of principles.

She reaches for him again. He backs away.

Arthur (cont’d)

Now, keep your distance. I’m not made of metal.

Sybil laughs but obliges.

Sybil

Oh, darling, who’s luckier than us? This great big world and yet we found one another!

Arthur

Well, I do live just three doors down.

Sybil

Yes, but you might have been a tiresome boor.

Arthur

To be honest…I believe fate brought us together that day on the tower bridge – the day your hat blew over the rail.

Sybil

I don’t believe in fate.

Arthur

You don’t?

Sybil

(Shaking her head)

Mm mmm.

Arthur

Then how do you explain that chance encounter?

Sybil

Didn’t you notice? There wasn’t a breeze that day.

Arthur

You mean, you…

He makes a throwing motion. She nods.

Sybil

(Glowing)

We make our own good fortune.

Arthur

My god, you’re beautiful.

Sybil

(sings)

This is life, all stunning surprises

Twists and turns One cannot foresee

life,

Where you find that the man who lives just three doors down

Loves no one, but me

This is life, so simple and splendid

love and light one should not resist

life,

There is only this moment, The moment you realize

you live to be kissed

Come, feel my heart

Like a runaway carriage

And I’m just along for the ride

Every bump is a thrill

May it never stand still

We’ll meet it wide-eyed

life

This is life, the starlight above us

waltz beneath a rapturous moon

life,

Ev’ry breeze seems to whisper that “Arthur

Loves sybil,”

my favorite tune

This is life,

Here, In your arms

I am better, I’m stronger

No longer a child, But a wife

And we’ll soon be alone

There’ll be no chaperone

You and I On our own

She has worked her way into Arthur’s arms but Mrs. Merton interrupts from the other room.

Mrs. Merton (OS)

Sybil!

Sybil

(she shrugs at her mother’s bad timing)

life

Mrs. Merton (OS)

(entering)

There you are! Come and kiss the Duchess of Paisley.

SYBIL

I’d rather stay and kiss Arthur.

Mrs. Merton

(with a tone of warning)

That’s exactly why you’re coming with me.

They exit. IGOR IVANOVICH, an imposing, Eastern-European, joins Arthur on the terrace.

IGOR

So. Tonight, you are not a stag like me?

ARTHUR

I beg your pardon?

IGOR

You are guest of horror, eh?

ARTHUR

I’m so sorry. Have we met? I’m Lord Arthur Savile.

IGOR

Yes, yes. I know who you are. Your reputation is proceeding you. Tonight we celebrate your nipples.

ARTHUR

Uh…My…nipples?

IGOR

Yes. Your wedding?

ARTHUR

Ah! Nuptials?

IGOR

That is what I said. But you do not know of me. I introduce myself!

(snap of his heels)

Igor Ivanovich.

(he presents Arthur with his card)

Please, to be calling on me should you want my services.

ARTHUR

What is it that you do?

IGOR

I perform many duties for the peoples seeking to change their political situations by aggressive means.

ARTHUR

(Awed. Intrigued)

Oh! You’re a revolutionary?

(Igor bows)

How terribly exciting. But dangerous, no?

IGOR

Well, I married these three years ago. Now my wife says no to danger so I too must say no to danger. This you are understanding very soon, Lord Arthur.

The DEAN OF CHICHESTER approaches.

DEAN

Arthur!

ARTHUR

Uncle John.

DEAN

Will you not shake my hand, son!?

Arthur shakes the Dean’s hand and spasms as if his finger is in a light socket.

ARTHUR

Uuuunnnghh!!

Arthur pulls his hand away, aghast. The Dean laughs.

DEAN

Got you a good one there, eh? My newest invention!

He pulls back his coat to display complicated gadgetry.

DEAN (CONT’D)

Rather ingenious, really. See? It’s a series of batteries I’ve attached to these wires here which connect to conducting plates in my glove. Quite a jolt, what? Perhaps I should shake Sybil’s hand! A good jolt might bring her to her senses — show her what a terrible mistake she’s making marrying you! Hahahaha!

(He looks down at Arthur’s hand)

You might want to put some ice on that.

(Arthur’s stomach is turning)

Forgot you’re the squeamish type. Buck up. It’s all in fun. The Good Lord loves a laugh!

(He turns and calls to another guest nearby)

Wilfred, old man! Shake my hand, sir!

He moves on. Arthur turns back to Igor.

ARTHUR

The Dean of Chichester. He’s a bit of a prankster.

IGOR

He is man of cloth?

ARTHUR

Surprising, isn’t it.

IGOR

I do not like him.

ARTHUR

He’s not all bad.

IGOR

I beg to differ. If he continues to be prankster, call on me.

(Conspiratorial and dangerous)

I know people who know people.

ARTHUR

(taken aback)

I’m sure that won’t be necessary.

IGOR

(back to sunny)

Not necessary. Of course.

Mr. and Mrs. Merton take center stage.

Mrs Merton

Everyone! Everyone, please! May I have your attention.

Arthur and Igor join the guests.

Mrs. Merton (Cont’d)

Before we go in to dinner, I have a bit of entertainment for you. I am pleased to have you meet Mr. Podgers.

MR. PODGERS steps out of the crowd and bows.

MRS. Merton (CONT’D)

He’s graciously agreed to offer his services to all of you, which is quite a treat. Mr. Podgers is the world’s most renowned Cheiromantist.

DUCHESS OF PAISLEY

A cheiro-what-ist? I’m certainly not letting anyone examine my feet!

Mrs. Merton

No, no, my darling Duchess. A Cheiro-MAN-tist – not a Cheiro-PO-dist. He is interested in your hand. Mr. Podgers is a palm reader. As we are here to celebrate Sybil and Arthur’s future, I thought everyone should have a peek at their own.

A murmur in the crowd.

SIR THOMAS

Stuff and bosh. Hocus Pocus, my dear Lady.

Mr. POdgers

The art of Cheiromancy is not bosh. It is a science. I have spent years studying the anatomy of the human hand and I have made an extraordinary discovery. The shape of one’s hand holds enormous clues to future events.

SIR THOMAS

Ridiculous.

SONG #3: WHAT’S TO BE (No demo for intro)

MR. PODGERS

(sings mystically)

To the common man my gift may seem implausible

but for those with eyes to see, the future’s plain

I need only take your hand to know the path you’ll walk

indulge me and allow me to explain

MR. PODGERS (CONT’D)

(speaking)

A hand might be…

(speaks to music)

Spatulate, elemental, philosophical or fixed…

(sings)

ARTISTIC, SPIRITUALISTIC OR MIXED

THE SHAPE OF EVERY HAND SUGGESTS THE NATURE OF IT’S WEARER

FROM MILD TO WILD AND EVERYTHING IN BETWIXT

IMAGINE GOD IS JUST LIKE A PLAYWRIGHT

PENNING LINES FOR YOU AND ME

HE WRITES THEM Here WHERE ANYONE MIGHT SEE

INSCRIBED THERE ON YOUR PALM IS THE ANSWER TO ALL QUERIES

FROM WHAT HAS GONE TO WHAT IS YET TO BE

IF YOU’RE SPATULATE HANDED THE CHANCES ARE GOOD

YOU’RE HAPPIER THAN MOST

TEMPER PLAGUES THE ELEMENTALS

PHILOSOPHICALS JUST THE REVERSE

ARTISTIC IS SELF-EXPLANATORY, SPIRITUALISTIC TOO

BUT IF YOUR PALM IS MIXED

YOUR MOODS MIGHT WELL BE DUBBED PERVERSE

dean

(spoken in tempo)

Perverse?

DUCHESS

Did he say Perverse?

Sir thomas

I say this whole thing is Perverse.

PODGERS

YOU TAKE THE SHAPE OF HAND AND ADD THE LINES

OF THE HEART AND HEAD AND LIFE

YOUR SCRIPT IS THERE AND EASILY READ BY ME

YOU’RE STARRING IN A PERSONAL PLAY OF JOY OR MAYBE STRIFE

ARE YOU BRAVE ENOUGH TO ASK?

ENSEMBLE

BRAVE ENOUGH TO ASK!

PODGERS

IF YOU’VE COURAGE ENOUGH TO ASK ME I’LL DIVULGE

WHAT’S TO BE

Podgers inspects the proffered hands of various guests.

PODGERS (CONT’D)

(speaking in tempo)

YOU’RE HAND IS PHILOSOPHICAL,

AND YOU’RE APT TO LOSE YOUR HAT

THE SHAPE OF YOUR PALM IS FIXED,

AND I’M SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR CAT

ARTISTIC, AND QUITE THE CAD…

SPIRITUALISTIC, AND A WIT…

MIXED AND FIXED COMBINE TO SAY

YOU DON’T LIKE THE BALLET ONE BIT!

DEAN OF CHICHESTER

He’s right! I hate the ballet!

The guests react -”It’s amazing.” “How does he do it?” etc…

ENSEMBLE

I MIGHT BE SPATULATE, ELEMENTAL, PHILOSOPHICAL OR FIXED

ARTISTIC, SPIRITUALISTIC OR MIXED

THE SHAPE OF EVERY HAND SUGGESTS THE NATURE OF IT’S WEARER

FROM MILD TO WILD AND EVERYTHING IN BETWIXT

PODGERS

YOU TAKE THE SHAPE OF HAND

AND ADD THE LINES

OF THE HEART AND HEAD AND LIFE

YOUR SCRIPT IS THERE

AND EASILY READ BY ME

ENSEMBLE

WE’RE STARRING IN A PERSONAL PLAY

OF JOY OR MAYBE STRIFE

PODGERS

ARE YOU BRAVE ENOUGH TO ASK?

ENSEMBLE

BRAVE ENOUGH TO ASK

PODGERS

IF YOU’VE COURAGE ENOUGH TO ASK ME

I’LL DIVULGE

ENSEMBLE

HE’LL DIVULGE

HE’LL DIVULGE

PODGERS

WHAT’S TO BE!

All applaud and talk at once.

DUCHESS

It all sounds so thrilling. May I be first?

PODGER

Of course, madame…

The Duchess offers her hand. The music once again becomes eerie.

SONG #2A: WHAT’S TO BE UNDERSCORE (no demo)

Mr. Podgers launches into a mystical, monotone chant.

PODGERS (cont’d)

(an incantation)

Your Grace understands, you must ask for the knowledge I divine.

Mrs. Merton

This part is so exciting!

PODGERS

Once told, it cannot be untold. Do you willingly ask to know your future?

DUCHESS

I do. I want to know.

PODGERS

Very well. We begin.

He gazes closely at the Duchess’ palm.

PODGERS (CONT’D)

You have a decidedly spatulate shaped hand.

Mrs. Merton

If you say she has a larger Mountain of the Moon than I, and I shall never forgive you.

DUCHESS

I am certain there is nothing of the sort in my hand.

PODGERS

Quite right. No Mount of the Moon to speak of. But your Line of Life is excellent. Line of Intellect strong but not exaggerated.

DUCHESS

Thank heavens. What is more tiresome than a woman who fancies herself an intellectual?

PODGERS

Indeed. The Line of Heart —

Mrs. Merton

Now, do be indiscreet, Mr Podgers!

All laugh.

PODGERS

Would that I could, but I see only great permanence of affection combined with that noblest of British traits – a strong sense of duty.

The Duchess beams at the praise.

PODGERS (Cont’D)

(A final proclamation)

You will live to a great age, Duchess, and be extremely happy.

All applaud.

DUCHESS

Do Sir Thomas next.

ALL

Yes. Sir Thomas next. Do Sir Thomas. Etc…

SIR THOMAS

Don’t be absurd.

Mrs. Merton

Sir Thomas – be a good sport or you won’t be invited to the wedding!

SIR THOMAS

Oh, very well.

PODGERS

(the incantation again)

You understand, sir, you must ask for the knowledge I divine.

SIR THOMAS

Yes, yes…

PODGERS

Once told…

SIR THOMAS AND PODGERS

(together)

…it cannot be untold ––

SIR THOMAS

I know, I know.

Mrs. Merton

Behave, Sir Thomas.

SIR THOMAS

But it’s silly. My life is an open book. What’s to be told?

PODGERS

Do you willingly ask to know your future?

SIR THOMAS

Of course. I am not afraid.

PODGERS

Very well. We begin.

(studies his palm closely)

Elemental with a touch of Spiritualistic round the edges. An interesting combination. You have been shipwrecked three times – no, twice. You must be careful on this voyage you are considering.

Mrs. Merton

What voyage?

SIR THOMAS

There is no voyage — to speak of.

(Podgers raises his eyebrows)

Well, I hadn’t decided entirely upon going…yet.

PODGERS

The Line of the Heart is quite intriguing.

The Dean

You’ve taken a wrong turn there. Sir Thomas is and always has been a confirmed bachelor.

SIR THOMAS

(playing to the men)

Absolutely. The ways of the fairer sex are beyond my comprehension.

A knowing laugh from the men.

PODGERS

It was not always so. It is written here quite clearly. See, the strong curve of the Love Line and then the harsh break, just there. You must have been very young when you lost her…

SIR THOMAS

I…I..

PODGERS

(still studying his palm)

Ah! And whilst you were abroad. That accounts for no-one knowing. You were very much in love. Forgive me! Still are! Am I right?

SIR THOMAS

(stunned and moved)

I’ve spoken to no one of my darling Charlotte. We were secretly engaged. It was in the West Indies on my first tour of duty. But it’s impossible! No one knew! Not even mother or father!

PODGERS

Your script is there as plain as day – for those who have eyes to see. As to your future, I must warn you, I spy a surprising twist to the Love Line, here, just below the Mount of Mars.

(his final word)

You may find romance again, sir, should you remain open to the notion.

SIR THOMAS

Extraordinary.

PODGERS

Not at all. Merely a lifetime of observation.

All applaud. Arthur leans in to Mrs. Merton, confidentially.

ARTHUR

Do you think he’d…do me next?

Mrs. Merton

But of course! Mr. Podgers, look at poor Arthur here. He is absolutely on tenterhooks! You must tell him what’s to become of him and Sybil after they‘ve wed.

PODGERS

(again the routine)

You understand, sir, you must ask for the knowledge I divine.

ARTHUR

(taking it deadly serious)

Yes I do.

PODGERS and Guests

(the guests in hushed tones)

Once told, it cannot be untold —

ARTHUR

I understand.

PODGERS

Do you willingly ask to know your future?

ARTHUR

Please.

PODGERS

Very well. We begin.

Podgers looks at Arthur’s hand. A strange shudder passes through him.

Mrs. Merton

We are waiting, Mr. Podgers!

Duchess of paisley

Perhaps Arthur’s had a secret engagement in the West Indies as well?

All laugh.

Mrs. Merton

Shush! I want to hear!

Podgers drops Arthur’s right hand and seizes his left, pulling it right up to his face.

ARTHUR

Well? Mr. Podgers?

Visibly shaken, Podgers looks up and addresses the crowd.

PODGERS

It is the hand of a charming young man.

Mrs. Merton

And? What else? What shape is it?

Podgers swallows hard and looks back at Arthur’s hand.

PODGERS

Uh, mixed, my dear lady.

The crowd murmurs “mixed!” Podgers continues awkwardly.

PODGERS (CONT’D)

But he is – he is a most normal, natural young fellow.

Mrs. Merton

Details, I want details, Podgers! What is going to happen to Lord Arthur and Sybil?

PODGERS

They will go on a voyage –

Sybil

Our honeymoon, of course. Hardly exciting news, that.

PODGERS

He will lose a relative.

Duchess of Paisley

Not his brother, I hope?

PODGERS

Certainly not. A distant relative merely.

He removes his glasses and backs away from Arthur. He’s done.

MUSIC out.

Mrs. Merton

Well, I am dreadfully disappointed. No one cares about distant relatives nowadays. They went out of fashion years ago. Let us go to supper. If we are lucky there may still be hot soup left.

Mrs. Merton sweeps Sybil off, followed by Podgers and the crowd. Arthur is left alone, standing very still, gazing down at his hand with trepidation. A moment passes.

Podgers re-enters.

SONG #4: WHAT DO I DO? (Demo exists, below)

Podgers is uncomfortable being alone with Arthur.

PODGERS

The Duchess has left her wrap behind. Ah! I see it on the sofa!

As he awkwardly tries to pass, Arthur steps in his path, blocking his exit.

ARTHUR

Mr. Podgers, I must insist you give me a straight answer to my question.

PODGERS

The Duchess — I really must go —

ARTHUR

You shall not go. Not until you tell me what you saw — here in my hand.

(he stretches his hand out to Podgers)

PODGERS

What makes you think I saw anything more than what I told you, Lord Arthur?

ARTHUR

I know you did! What do you want? I will pay you. I will give you a hundred pounds.

PODGERS

(Greedy. Starting to sweat)

One…hundred pounds?

ARTHUR

I will send the check to your club tomorrow.

PODGERS

I have no club. Not just at present. My address – but allow me to give you my card.

(he hands Arthur his card)

My hours are from ten to four, and I make a reduction for families...

ARTHUR

Be quick!

PODGERS

Very well, we begin.

ENSEMBLE (O.S.)

(Singing)

SPATULATE!

PODGERS

I must remind you, Lord Arthur…

ENSEMBLE

ELEMENTAL!

PODGERS

I am but the messenger.

ENSEMBLE

PHILOSOPHICAL!

PODGERS

The part you must play…

ENSEMBLE

FIXED!

PODGERS

It is written on your palm by a higher power.

ENSEMBLE

ARTISTIC!

PODGERS

Whether you like the role or no…

ENSEMBLE

SPIRITUALISTIC!

PODGERS

Play it you will…

ENSEMBLE

MIXED!

PODGERS

To the finish.

ENSEMBLE

MIXED!

PODGERS

Your future holds a tragedy, sir.

ENSEMBLE

MIXED!

PODGERS

You are a…

Lights out on Podgers. Abrupt transition to…

Scene Three

THE LONDON STREETS. IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING.

Arthur is left alone center stage in a macabre light. He is overcome with despair. The streets of London form around him in distorted detail. The inhabitants of the city – depicted in harsh and abstract fashion – point and sing. They supply the voices in his head.

ENSEMBLE

MURDERER!!!

YOU’RE A MURDERER!!!!

MURDERER!!!

YOU’RE A MURDERER!!!!

LORD ARTHUR

YOU’RE A MURDERER

LORD ARTHUR

YOU’RE A MURDERER

LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR

LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR

LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR…

ARTHUR

(sings)

HE’S MAD

IT’S A MISTAKE

I’M NO KILLER IN THE MAKING

ASK MY BROTHER HE’LL CONFIRM I’M CHICKEN-HEARTED

NO QUESTION HE’S A QUACK

SUGGESTING LIFE’S A PANTO

WHERE THE ACTION’S SET BEFORE IT’S EVEN STARTED

AND YET…

HE READS A HIST’RY IN A HAND

LIKE READING DOWN A PAGE

AND WHAT DOES SHAKESPEARE SAY?

ALL THE WORLD’S A STAGE

ENSEMBLE

(Whispered and overlapping)

Lord Arthur! Murderer! Arthur! (etc.)

ARTHUR

IT SEEMS THAT I’VE BEEN CAST

IN A ROLE I’M ILL-EQUIPPED TO BE PLAYING

THE VILLAIN

UNWILLING IN THE WINGS

ENSEMBLE

(Whispered)

LORD ARTHUR

MURDERER

ARTHUR

ARE WE ALL BUT PAWNS

WITH NO SAY AS TO THE PARTS WE’RE PORTRAYING?

JUST PUPPETS

ENSEMBLE

(Whispered and overlapping)

Puppets! Puppets! Puppets!

ARTHUR

WITH A CRUEL GOD AT THE STRINGS

WHAT DO I DO?

ENSEMBLE

MURDER

ARTHUR

WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE

ENSEMBLE

MURDER

ARTHUR

THE AWFUL KNOWING WHAT I AM

ENSEMBLE

MURDERER

ARTHUR

CAN IT BE TRUE

ENSEMBLE

MURDER

ARTHUR

THAT I’M A LION NOT A LAMB?

WHAT DO I DO?

PREPOSTEROUS TO THINK

THAT WITHIN MY SOUL A DARK FIEND LIES SLEEPING

OR WAITING

WITH A KILLERS DEADLY CALM

WHEN WILL HE AWAKE

TAKE THE STAGE TO LEAVE ME RUINED AND WEEPING?

MAKE REAL

ENSEMBLE

REAL

ARTHUR

WHAT IS WRITTEN ON MY PALM

ENSEMBLE

IT’S WRITTEN RIGHT THERE ON YOUR PALM

ARTHUR

WHAT DO I DO?

JUST ABANDON

THE HAPPY LIFE I’D DREAMED AND PLANNED?

CAN I BE TRUE TO MY HEART AND NOT MY HAND?

WHAT DO I DO?

WHAT CAN I DO?

WHEN THE CURTAIN RISES

CAN I FLEE FROM DESTINY?

ENSEMBLE

YOU, YOU, YOU’LL NOT FLEE, YOU CANNOT RUN

ARTHUR

ARE THERE COMPROMISES

BARGAINS TO BE MADE WITH FATE?

ENSEMBLE

NO BARGAIN, NO COMPROMISE

ARTHUR

I’D GIVE MY FORTUNE

TO TRADE THE PLOT ASSIGNED TO ME

PLEASE, GOD, WIPE CLEAN THIS SLATE

WHAT DO I DO?

WHAT CAN I DO?

WHAT DO I DO?

Arthur collapses in the gutter.

SONG #3A: WHAT DO I DO? REPRISE

ENSEMBLE

MURDERER

MURDERER

MURDERER

MURDERER, MURDERER

LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR

LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR

LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR —

Igor appears out of nowhere, accompanied by his COMRADES.

IGOR

Lord Arthur – ?

ARTHUR

Aaaugh!!!!!

The eerie mood is broken. The rest of the crowd disperses.

IGOR

You are not well?

Arthur recognizes Igor.

ARTHUR

(trying to remain calm)

Oh! Igor. I say. You startled me.

IGOR

What are you being here in this gutter for? Are you a snipe?

(turns to comrades)

Get it? Gutter? Snipe? It is joke, yes?

(His Comrades don’t get it)

Never mind. Why do I try?

ARTHUR

Uh…I…seem to have lost my way.

IGOR

Do you not live but three doors down from the Merton’s?

ARTHUR

Yes, yes, ha ha! Terrible sense of direction. Always have had! Ha ha! Ha ha. Well…Goodnight!

Arthur rises but stumbles.

IGOR

Please, let us be taking you home. If I speak honest, you look like death being heated up.

ARTHUR

Death warmed over?

IGOR

That is what I said. You need bed and vodka. Not maybe in that order. Come, we take you.

He hands Arthur a flask and then guides him to…

Scene Four

ARTHUR’S FLAT. The WEE HOURS OF THE MORNING.

Igor and his Comrades carry Arthur home, depositing him on his settee where he falls asleep. Igor and Comrades exit. During this, Saunders, holding a tray of hot cocoa, enters and approaches Arthur.

Saunder

(Gently)

Good morning, sir.

(Arthur moans but does not wake)

Eh-hem. I say good morning, sir.

(More moans. Saunders moves closer and raises his voice ever so slightly)

Sir…

Arthur stirs irritably.

ARTHUR

Good God, Saunders! No need to shout!

SAUNDERS

I do apologize, sir, but Miss Sybil and her mother sent word that they’ll be stopping by this morning. They should be here quite soon –

Arthur snaps awake immediately.

ARTHUR

What?! Sybil!? Here?!

(in a panic)

Saunders! What will I do? How will I tell her?

SAUNDERS

Tell her what, sir?

ARTHUR

(frenetically)

But surely she’ll know! She’ll see it written on my face! Oh, I am ruined! Ruined!

(crosses to doors)

Lock the doors. Don’t let anyone in –

Before Saunders can oblige, the doors fly open and REGGIE, Arthur’s younger brother, enters.

REGGIE

Rise and shine, you lifeless laggard.

ARTHUR

Reggie!

REGGIE

Give the man a gold star! He knows his own brother! I say! You look like hell. Too much vino last night?

ARTHUR

What are you doing here?

REGGIE

Taking you to Venice, you half-wit! Remember I said we’d go the moment my boat was finished? Well, the shipyard sent word this a.m. and guess what!

ARTHUR

She’s finished?

REGGIE

Another gold star! My, you are a bright one this morning, despite the shameful state of your attire. Hallo, Saunders!

SAUNDERS

Good morning, Sir.

Reggie picks up Arthur’s cup.

REGGIE

Well, get packing, Mr. Lay-About, we have plans to make! Venice!

(he drinks and winces)

Cocoa?! Blecch! I’m going in search of coffee. Details to follow.

He exits. Saunders has brought a pitcher of water and a wash basin for Arthur.

ARTHUR

Saunders, quickly, shut the door! Bolt it tight!

SAUNDERS

With pleasure, sir. But duty compels me to ask what in heaven’s name is troubling you?

ARTHUR

(Speaking with difficulty)

Saunders – this morning – you have been in the presence of…a murderer.

SAUNDERS

What? Reggie, sir?

ARTHUR

No, not Reggie. Of course not Reggie. Does he look capable of murder? No, I’m talking about me.

SAUNDERS

You sir? A murderer?

ARTHUR

Yes.

SAUNDERS

I find that hard to believe, sir.

ARTHUR

It’s true. Last night…

He can’t continue.

SAUNDERS

You murdered someone last night, Sir?

ARTHUR

No.

SAUNDERS

You murdered someone this morning, then?

ARTHUR

No! Not this morning either!

SAUNDERS

(getting frustrated)

Well then, when did you murder someone, sir?

ARTHUR

Just listen! I didn’t murder anyone!

SAUNDERS

But I thought you said…

ARTHUR

But I will murder someone! Soon! I don’t know how soon. But it’s inevitable, I tell you.

SAUNDERS

Then you are not a murderer, sir?

ARTHUR

Not yet.

SAUNDERS

(relieved)

Well then…if it’s all the same, sir, why not simply keep it that way.

ARTHUR

Because I have no say in the matter! The story is all here —

(he stretches his palm out to Saunders)

For those who have eyes to see!

Saunders eyes his hand dubiously.

SAUNDERS

I beg pardon, Sir, but at the moment I see only a dire need for soap and water.

Arthur looks at his own hand, then crosses to the pitcher and basin and begins to scrub. He speaks throughout.

ARTHUR

Saunders, listen to me. I met a man last night, an extraordinary gentleman who had the power to read the future in one’s palm. He’s the man who told me I will murder someone. Oh, my dear Sybil. To wed her now would be a crime worse than the one I will commit. All is lost!

Arthur throws himself on the settee. Saunders considers.

SAUNDERS

I see, sir. You’re talking about cheiromancy then, aren’t you?

Arthur sits bolt upright.

ARTHUR

Yes! That’s the word he used. How did you know?

SAUNDERS

I have had some experience with the cheiromantic arts myself.

ARTHUR

Do tell.

SAUNDERS

I knew a lad in my youth, who claimed to have this gift. Little Freddy Finkle. A rotten toad of a child, if you don’t mind my saying. His predictions were as bleak and dark as the one you describe. Many was the night I shivered under my sheets thanks to Freddy Finkle.

ARTHUR

Forgive me, Saunders, but I’m not sure how this story helps.

SAUNDERS

Well, sir. You may not believe it, but I was not always the bright and cheery fellow you see before you. It’s true. Freddy had a terrible effect on me in my youth. If it weren’t for my mother and a lullaby she used to sing, heaven knows where I’d be today.

Saunders clears his throat and sings.

SONG #5: JUST AROUND THE CORNER (no demo)

SAUNDERS (CONT’D)

(sings)

NO ONE KNOWS WHAT’S JUST AROUND THE CORNER

WHO CAN SAY WHAT’S WAITING ROUND THE BEND

WHY WASTE YOUR TIME ON WHAT’S AROUND THE CORNER

TODAY IS HERE AND QUITE ENOUGH TO TEND

THERE’S THOSE THAT LIKE TO SAY

THEY KNOW WHAT’S ON THE WAY

DON’T ASK THEM “HOW?” OR “WHY?”

INSTEAD REPLY

NO HONEST MAN HAS EYES TO SEE

WHAT GOD HAS PLANNED FOR YOU AND ME

No ONE KNOWS UNTIL THEY MEET THEIR END

ARTHUR

That was your lullaby? “No one knows until they meet their end?”

SAUNDERS

Indeed, sir.

ARTHUR

But that’s beastly.

SAUNDERS

Say what you will, sir, but it worked for me. “No honest man has eyes to see what God has planned for you and me.” It made me realize that Freddy was nothing more than a little git, if you’ll pardon my French, sir. His predictions were a sham. He craved the power they gave him over the rest of us. But he was no seer, sir. I’m certain this man you speak of cannot be honest. Mrs. Merton’s guests may be interesting but they’re hardly trustworthy, sir.

ARTHUR

Perhaps you’re right, Saunders! By jove, what a fool I am.

Reggie bursts back into the room.

REGGIE

Never a truer word spoke! A nattering fool, that’s you, dear brother! Gold star number three!

ARTHUR

Oh, Reggie, do go away.

REGGIE

Ouch. Anyway, I’m not going anywhere until you promise you’ll come to Vienna with me!

ARTHUR

I thought you said Venice?

REGGIE

Right you are! Venice! On Friday! The Piazza San Marco! The gondolas! The signore!

(suggestively)

Eh? Eh?

ARTHUR

Reggie, you cannot go to Venice on Friday. You are to be best man at my wedding Sunday after next.

REGGIE

Good Lord. I’d forgotten.

ARTHUR

Indeed.

REGGIE

Don’t suppose you could postpone?

ARTHUR

No!

REGGIE

Bother. Well, alright. Speaking of marriage, have you heard the one about the Bride’s mother…?

MRS. MERTON and SYBIL enter through the open doors.

MRS. MERTON

Pray Reginald, do tell the one about the Bride’s mother?

REGGIE

Lovely to see you, Mrs Merton!!

ARTHUR

Sybil! Mother Merton! What a lovely surprise.

SAUNDERS

May I take your things, ma’am? Miss Sybil?

SYBIL

Thank you, Saunders.

Reggie plops down on the settee leaving no room for anyone else.

ARTHUR

Reggie! Get up!

(to Mrs. Merton)

Please do sit!

MRS. merton

Not until you explain where you disappeared to last night. Sybil was quite upset. Imagine her raising her champagne glass at the dinner table and only then realizing you were nowhere to be found.

Sybil

Mamá, please?

Mrs. Merton

Please, what? The boy is about to become your husband. We must know he’s reliable.

Sybil

Mother, you know as well as I that Arthur is the most reliable man in London.

Mrs. Merton

I know nothing of the sort. I know he has been a reliable fiancé. I have no idea whatsoever whether he will be a reliable husband. Nor do you.

Sybil

Mamá!

Arthur

Mrs. Merton. Sybil. Please accept my sincerest apology. I suffered a sudden and terrible bout of dyspepsia and felt it best to leave quietly.

Mrs. Merton

Dyspepsia!

Sybil

Arthur, darling!

Reggie

That’s a new one.

Arthur

(aside to Reggie)

Quiet.

(to the Mertons)

It was quite extraordinary. Most unusual.

Mrs. Merton

I trust there will be no such sudden attacks on the wedding day?

Sybil

Mother!

Mrs. Merton

(using the same tone)

Sybil!

Arthur

Certainly not.

Mrs. Merton

Very well. I am satisfied. For now. Let us move on to the real purpose of our visit. I have taken the liberty of procuring a few cake samples for the wedding reception. Saunders, would you be so good?

She hands the box she’s been carrying to Saunders who opens it and lifts out a tray of samples.

REGGIE

Awfully small for a wedding cake.

ARTHUR

They’re samples, Reg.

(Reggie reaches for a sample. Arthur smacks his hand)

And they’re not for you.

REGGIE

Well, in that case, anyone mind if I smoke?

He goes digging for a cigarette.

SYBIL

I don’t know how we’ll ever choose. They’re all so luscious.

MRS. MERTON

Give him a taste of the lemon crinkle, Sybil sweets. It’s positively divine.

ARTHUR

I’m sure whichever you select will be fine.

SYBIL

Don’t be a spoil sport. Open up.

(Sybil pops a bite into Arthur’s mouth)

Do you like it?

ARTHUR

(mouth full of cake)

It’s…very sweet.

REGGIE

That would be the sugar, old boy. Where’s my lighter?

SYBIL

Perhaps you’d prefer the butter vanilla.

MRS. MERTON

Yes. Try that. It will leave you speechless.

Sybil pops another into Arthur’s mouth. He’s still trying to get the first bite down.

REGGIE

Breathless too, from the looks of it. Go on, Arthur. Your turn. Pop one into her mouth.

MRS. MERTON

Now, that’s quite enough. Let’s not get out of hand.

REGGIE

Ahhhh! Turn about is fair play and all that.

SYBIL

Well, I am partial to the strawberry cream.

REGGIE

That’s the one for her. A proper English combination! Go on Arthur. Give it to her.

ARTHUR

All right then. Open wide.

Sybil does. Arthur tosses the piece of cake into her mouth. She begins to choke. Arthur is paralyzed with horror as Sybil gags and gestures wildly.

MRS. MERTON

(jumping up)

Sybil? Sybil, are you all right?

REGGIE

Good god! What have you done to her old man?

Arthur squeaks with fright.

MRS. MERTON

Do something!

Chaos ensues. Finally Reggie whacks Sybil on the back and she coughs up the cake.

MRS. MERTON (CONT’D)

You might’ve killed her!

ARTHUR

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Reggie searches his pockets for a match.

REGGIE

Well, that was fun. Let’s hope the wedding vows aren’t as hard to swallow as the cake. Arthur, do you have a light? I’m absolutely aching for a smoke.

ARTHUR

Yes, yes.

Rattled, Arthur picks up the lighter from the side table and distractedly lights Reggie’s cigarette. As the conversation continues, Arthur manages to light Sybil’s hat on fire too. He doesn’t notice.

SYBIL

It wasn’t your fault, darling.

MRS. MERTON

It most certainly was. It was far too big a bite. Honestly, you’d think he was feeding an elephant.

SYBIL

It was an honest mistake.

ARTHUR

I assure you Mrs. Merton, it was the tiniest of bites.

MRS. MERTON

Then you must have tossed it too hard.

(Seeing flames on Sybil’s hat)

Good grief, what are you doing? Fire!!

ARTHUR

Where?

MRS. MERTON

Her hat, you ninny! Her hat!

ARTHUR

Aaaagh!!

Sybil’s hat bursts into flames. Chaos ensues.

Mrs. Merton

Get some water!!

REGGIE

Water!!

(pointing to the fountain upstage through the center French doors)

The fountain!!

Arthur – who’s lost all composure – picks Sybil up by the waist and carries her to the fountain. He forces her head into the water. She splashes and struggles.

Sybil pulls her head out of the fountain, sputtering. Her hat is still smoking.

Arthur

Aaaagh!!

He dunks her again. Much splashing.

She pulls up again, still smoking. Arthur grabs her feet, up-ends her with her head entirely in the fountain.

She splashes wildly.

REGGIE (CONT’D)

Careful, you’re going to drown her!

Arthur realizes what he is doing and frantically lifts her out of the fountain. She sputters like she’s drowning…but her hat is no longer on fire.

MRS. MERTON

Oh my heavens. What a mess!!!

ARTHUR

Sybil!!

Sybil, dripping and sputtering clings to Arthur. After the storm passes…

REGGIE

Well, Arthur, if you’re quite finished trying to murder your fiancé…

(Arthur is devastated)

I’ll be on my way.

(to the Mertons)

Ta everyone! See you at the wedding, Sybs. That is, if he doesn’t kill you first. Ha, ha!

He exits.

MRS. MERTON

Sybil! We are leaving.

ARTHUR

(anguished)

Mother Merton. I don’t know what to say.

MRS. MERTON

Don’t say a thing.

ARTHUR

I —

MRS. MERTON

Enough. Sybil, all our afternoon appointments will need to be rearranged.

Mrs. Merton exits. Sybil lingers.

SYBIL

Perhaps we should avoid the strawberry cream?

(Arthur is incapable of responding)

You are still coming for dinner tonight, aren’t you?

ARTHUR

I…

MRS MERTON (O.S.)

Sybil!!

SYBIL

Don’t be late.

Sybil blows a kiss and leaves. Arthur collapses on the settee, spent.

ARTHUR

Did you see that, Saunders? Podgers is right. Sybil is in mortal danger.

SAUNDERS

Sir?

SONG #6: WHY NOT DO THE DEED?

ARTHUR

(sings)

EVERYTHING GOOD, ALL IN ONE LOVELY GIRL

BRIGHT AND WARM AS A GLORIOUS FLAME

AND I NEARLY SNUFFED IT

MY HEART’S IN A VICE, THIS ROOM IS A WHIRL

I CAN’T BREATHE AND MY BRAIN’S SET TO BURST

AS IF I’VE OVER-STUFFED IT

ONE THING IS CLEAR

I CANNOT WED

NOT WITH THIS FEARFUL FATE HANGING

OVER MY HEAD

SAUNDERS

(making a joke)

What a pity you haven’t already committed a murder, sir. Then you’d be free to get married whenever you like.

ARTHUR

What’s that, Saunders?

SAUNDERS

I said –

ARTHUR

Wait! That’s it! Saunders, you’re a genius!

SAUNDERS

I beg your pardon, Sir?

ARTHUR

(sings)

SINCE IT APPEARS I’M DOOMED TO CARRY OUT THIS PROPHECY

WHY NOT DO THE DEED?

SAUNDERS

I was being ironic, Sir.

ARTHUR

JUST GET IT OVER WITH AND QUICK

BEFORE I CHOKE SOMEONE BY CHANCE

ONCE THE THING’S DONE I’M FREED

SAUNDERS

But, Sir –

ARTHUR

CAN I AFFORD THE PRIMROSE PATH OF DALLIANCE?

OH, NO!

NOT WHEN I SO HANDILY TURN WEDDING CAKE TO WEAPONS

I’M A TIME-BOMB SET TO BLOW

SAUNDERS

Sir-

ARTHUR

IF I’VE NO SAY

IF FATE MUST HAVE IT’S WAY

IF I’VE NO OTHER COURSE

I ASK YOU

WHY NOT DO THE DEED?

SAUNDERS

(spoken in tempo)

But sir, but sir…

(sings)

IF I MIGHT BE SO BOLD, SIR

I SPOT A SNAG YOU SURELY SEE?

IF YOU COMMIT TO BE A MURDERER

EVENTUALLY YOU’LL NEED A MURDER-EE

ARTHUR

WHO CAN I KILL?

SAUNDERS

Oh, Sir!

ARTHUR

WHEN YOU SAY IT OUT LOUD

I CONCEDE IT’S APPALLINGLY GRIM

MAKES ME MOST APPREHENSIVE

SAUNDERS

To say the least, Sir.

ARTHUR

AND I MUST BE SURE THAT WHOMEVER I CHOOSE

THERE’S NO CHANCE I COULD GAIN FROM THEIR DEATH

THE IDEA IS OFFENSIVE

SAUNDERS

The whole notion is offensive, Sir!

ARTHUR

I HOLD THE KEY

HERE, IN MY HEAD

SAUNDERS

What key, Sir?

ARTHUR

WHO OF MY FAMILY OR FRIENDS

MIGHT BE BETTER OFF DEAD?

SAUNDERS

Well, don’t look at me, Sir!

ARTHUR

IF WE ASSUME THAT WE CAN FIND THE PROPER CANDIDATE

WHY NOT DO THE DEED?

SAUNDERS

We, Sir?!?

ARTHUR

A WICKED AUNT, A ROTTEN UNCLE

ONE WHO WON’T BE MISSED

PICK ONE, AND QUICK, PROCEED

SOMEONE WHO’S SICK OR SAD MIGHT WELL BE GLAD OF A NUDGE

THAT’S IT!

MY COUSIN LADY CLEMENTINA CLARKE

WHO LIVES IN CURZON STREET

ALL THE DAY SHE MOANS AND GROANS

THE OLDEST SOUL YOU’LL EVER MEET

SUFFERS FROM DYSPEPSIA

NEVER LEAVES HER FLAT

AFFLICTED WITH THE GOUT

SHE’S A MISERABLE OLD BAT

SHE’S OVERDUE? NEEDS A NURSE TO HELP HER CHEW

I’M FAIRLY SURE SHE’D THANK ME

SO THEN, WHY NOT DO THE DEED?

SAUNDERS

(spoken in tempo)

But, Sir! But, Sir!

(sings)

THOUGH I AM LOATHE TO INTERFERE, SIR

HAVE YOU A METHOD OF DISPATCH?

IT’S WELL AND GOOD TO SAY, “WHY NOT?”

BUT IN THE END HOW WILL YOU DO IT?

ARTHUR

(spoken in tempo)

That’s the catch.

(sings)

EVERYONE KNOWS I’VE THE GENTLEST OF HEARTS

SO CONTENT WITH MY BOOK AND MY PIPE

WHILST MY FRIENDS ALL GO HUNTING

(he shudders at the thought)

A BULLFIGHT OR DUEL LEAVES ME QUEASY AND GREEN

AND A BOXING MATCH TORTURES MY SOUL

ALL THAT PUNCHING AND GRUNTING

TOO RARE A ROAST

AND I BOLT FOR THE DOOR

MOTHER HAS OFTEN COMPLAINED

I’M ALLERGIC TO GORE

(speaks)

Still…

(sings)

IF WE CAN PLAN A COUP DE GRAS WITHOUT THE GRIZZLY BITS

WHY NOT DO THE DEED?

SAUNDERS

I do wish you’d stop saying “We”, Sir.

ARTHUR

WE FIND A MODUS OPERANDI WITH A MINIMUM OF MUCK

SWIFT AND SILENT MUST BE OUR CREED

SAUNDERS

I need a drink.

ARTHUR

MY CONSTITUTION’S WEAK BUT THAT CAN’T POISON THIS PLOT

THAT’S IT!

POISON! YES, IT’S PERFECT THERE’S NO

MESSY, STRESSY BLOOD TO SCRUB

STRYCHNINE IN HER WINE OR

MAYBE ARSENIC IN HER EVENING TUB

SAUNDERS

SIR, I MUST CONFESS THIS TALK IS LEAVING ME MOST TERRIFIED

YOU CANNOT HOPE TO DO THIS, SIR

YOU CAN’T COMMIT OLD BAT-RICIDE

ARTHUR

WHY NOT!

SAUNDERS

BECAUSE IT GOES AGAINST

ALL THAT YOU’VE BEEN TAUGHT

THINK, SIR!

ARTHUR

IT’S A TIME FOR ACTION

IT’S NOT A TIME FOR THOUGHT

SAUNDERS

IT’S A SIN, SIR, A MORTAL SIN

AND WORSE, WE MIGHT GET CAUGHT

ARTHUR

WE WON’T GET CAUGHT

WE MUST JUST STAY COOL AND CALM

AND NOT GET OVERWROUGHT

SAUNDERS

WE MUST JUST STAY COOL AND CALM

AND NOT GET OVERWROUGHT

ARTHUR AND SAUNDERS

WE MUST JUST STAY COOL AND CALM

AND NOT GET OVERWROUGHT

TOGETHER

THE COURSE IS SET

THERE’S NO ROOM FOR REGRET

WE HAVE A WHO, A HOW, AND TIME’S A-WASTING

WHY NOT DO THE DEED?

Arthur goes to fetch his coat and hat.

ARTHUR

I am off, Saunders!

SAUNDERS

Where to, Sir?

ARTHUR

No idea. I have fourteen days to commit a murder and sadly, I know nothing of poisons.

SAUNDERS

Perhaps the library at the club might have a book, Sir?

ARTHUR

Perfect! Yes. I’ll check there. Thank you, Saunders!

SAUNDERS

I live to serve, sir. Sir? Do be discreet?

ARTHUR

Of course, old boy. What do you take me for? A fool?

During this last, Arthur pops a hat on his head, not realizing it’s actually Sybil’s hat, left behind. Saunders takes to the audience.

ARTHUR (CONT’D)

Wish me luck!

Arthur exits the scene.

Scene Five

THE VERY POSH BUCKINGHAM MEN’S CLUB. AN HOUR LATER.

The room is dotted with leather wing-back chairs. Men of distinction move about in hushed tones. There is a bar off to one side.

At the bar we meet a few club members – notably a Doctor, Lawyer, Soldier. They turn and raise their glasses in a toast.

SONG #7: PROPER POISON (no demo)

Men

The siren call of the club

Is at it’s very peak

When gentleman are low

And at their weakest

In the manly, smoke-filled quiet

No problem can’t be solved

Or ignored, at least

No matter it’s the bleakest

So raise your glass of gin

Drink deep and clear your mind

If you must drink poison

Why not drink

The proper British kind?

GIN, GIN, GIN, GIN

GIN, GIN, GIN, GIN

MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM

MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM

Arthur enters with an enormous volume and staggers with it to the bar.

Billy

Lord Arthur! What’s your poison?

ARTHUR

Don’t I wish I knew.

Billy

Beg pardon, Sir?

ARTHUR

Forgive me, Billy. I have a devil of a problem – I’m reading through this tome on poisons trying to find the proper one and I’m afraid I have no brain whatsoever for all the latin whatzsits. So many “nics” and “nines”. How is one to choose?

Billy

Sir?

ARTHUR

Sorry. Arse-nic, strych-nine. “Nics”, “Nines”, you see?

Billy

Perhaps you could ask Dr. Smytheson there. Surely a doctor would know?

Dr. Smytheson and his two compatriots turn to Arthur. MUSIC OUT.

DR. SMYTHESON

What’s the trouble, lad.

ARTHUR

I need to poison someone – uh, some…thing. A uh…a dog.

DR. SMYTHESON

A dog, eh?

Lights up on LADY CLEMENTINA CLARKE IN HER FLAT. She barks to her offstage butler.

LADY CLEM

(sounding very like a dog)

Rolph! Rolph!

ARTHUR

Yes. A rather large dog.

DR. SMYTHESON

How large?

Arthur uses Lady Clem for reference.

ARTHUR

Oh, about…yay big, I’d say.

LADY CLEM

(still like a dog)

Rolph!

ROLPH (O.S.)

(calling from a distance)

Yes, madam?

LADY CLEM

Get me my throw, you fool!

ROLPH (O.S.)

Yes, madam.

She begins to fluff her mop of grey hair. Arthur watches.

DR. SMYTHESON

Breed?

ARTHUR

A…standard poodle.

DR. SMYTHESON

You want to poison a standard poodle?

(Arthur nods)

Male or bitch?

LADY CLEM

(barking again)

Rolph! Rolph!

(as if she’s a dog howling at the moon)

Hoooowwww stupid can you be? Hoooowwww stupid?

Arthur turns back to the Doctor. Lady Clem’s Pallet slides off.

ARTHUR

Bitch. She’s a nasty one, too. Mean. Old. Bitten two chamber maids already.

DR. SMYTHESON

I see. Well, there’s all the “nics” and “nines” – but so many involve convulsions or seizures. Rolling of eyes, lolling of tongues, that sort of thing. Not very pleasant.

ARTHUR

Eew. That sounds horrible. I mean, she’s beastly and all, but I’d like her to go peacefully, if possible.

DR. SMYTHESON

Hmmmmm. Yes. Tricky, that. But I’d go with Aconotine if I were you.

ARTHUR

Aconotine?

DR. SMYTHESON

A-co-no-tine. Swift. Silent. She’ll go without a woof. Matter of fact, I’ve always wondered why Aconotine wasn’t more popular in the murdering trade! Hahahahaaa!

ARTHUR

Hahahahaaa. Thank you doctor.

DR. SMYTHESON

Not at all! Good luck with the old bitch.

Music IN.

Arthur makes his way to the Chemist’s with the men from the bar in tow.

Gin, gin, gin, gin

Gin, gin, gin, gin

Gin, gin, gin, gin

The scene shifts to THE CHEMIST’S.

THE CHEMIST

You need to poison what, Sir?

ARTHUR

(sadly)

Dog. Mean. Old.

LADY CLEM (O.S.)

Rolph! Rolph!

ARTHUR

Bitch.

The Chemist nods with understanding, hands Arthur a large gelatin capsule and exits. The men from he club continue to follow.

The scene instantly shifts to THE JEWELER’S SHOP. A man with a jeweler’s glass in his eye steps out and hands Arthur a sparkling silver bon-bon box. The men from the bar are still in tow and hum their approval.

Arthur (CONT’D)

…this will do just beautifully.

The men from the bar hold up their glasses to Arthur

The men sing. Arthur joins in.

MEN & ARTHUR

So raise your glass of gin

Drink deep to clear your mind

If you must drink poison

Why not drink

The proper British kind

Arthur crosses to…

Scene Six

LADY CLEMENTINA’S FLAT IN CURZON STREET. LATER THAT DAY.

Think Miss Havisham’s dwelling on steroids. Something to suggest that Lady Clem throws away nothing and is older than Methuselah. We discover her, seated, still barking for her Butler.

LADY CLEM

Rolph! Rolph! Oh, bother –

She picks up a bell and rings it loudly while continuing to bellow.

LADY CLEM (CONT’D)

Rolph!

ROLPH, LADY CLEM’S BUTLER, shuffles in. He’s a hundred years old if he’s a day. He moves very slowly.

ROLPH

Madam?

LADY

For heaven’s sake, Rolph, what’s the point of employing a butler if he doesn’t come when one calls?

ROLPH

I apologize, ma’am, I was answering the…

LADY CLEM

Who was at the door?

ROLPH

…door. Apologies, madam. It is your second cousin, Lord Arthur Savile. I was just about to ann…

LADY CLEM

Well, announce him, for the love of God. I might be dead before he makes it into the room.

ROLPH

Just so, madam. Lord Arthur…

LADY CLEM

Yes, yes, you goat, I know. Lord Arthur Savile. Just go.

Arthur tries to enter but is having trouble getting around Rolph.

LADY CLEM (CONT’D)

Away! Away you silly fool!

Arthur believes Lady Clem is addressing him. He questioningly makes as if to go. Lady Clem continues.

LADY CLEM (CONT’D)

Not you. The other silly fool. Oh, why do I bother? Come in! Come in, Arthur. Don’t stand there like a lump.

ARTHUR

So sorry, Lady Clem. Wasn’t quite sure…I thought I’d come and see how you are faring? Uh…how are you faring these days?

LADY CLEM

How does it appear I am faring?

ARTHUR

Well! Very well indeed, I’d say.

LADY CLEM

You are a liar. No doubt you are other things as well. But you are most definitely a liar and a terrible one. I am old as dust and look as if I invented it, and you know it.

ARTHUR

I…

LADY CLEM

Shush!

Arthur shushes.

SONG #8: ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE

LADY CLEM (CONT’D)

(sings)

I’M OLD AND I HOPE YOU’LL NEVER BE

AS OLD AS I WAS FIFTY YEARS AGO

THAT YOU’LL BOTH DIE YOUNG

THAT’S MY WISH FOR YOU AND SYBIL

THAT’S THE WEDDING BLESSING I BESTOW

FOR LIVING’S NO FUN WHEN YOU’RE

MOLDY AS CHEESE

WITH YOUR TEETH IN A GLASS

AND YOUR BREASTS AT YOUR KNEES

IT’S AN ILL-WIND I PASS

EVERY TIME THAT I SNEEZE

FOR I’VE ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE

ONCE I STOPPED MEN IN THEIR TRACKS

WITH A SMILE

I COULD RAISE ANY PULSE

WHEN I’D FLIRT AND BEGUILE

NOW SHOULD I FLIRT

I’D RAISE NOTHING BUT BILE

FOR I’VE ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE

I’VE OUTLIVED SPOUSES

SIBLINGS

PETS, TOO

OUTLIVED THE TRADESMEN

I OWED MY GREATEST DEBTS TO

I’VE OUTLIVED FRIENDS

DECADES YOUNGER THAN I

YOU’D THINK I’D HAVE THE DECENCY

TO LAY ME DOWN AND DIE

She gets quiet. Very Quiet. Arthur thinks she may be dead.

ARTHUR

Lady Clem?

She begins to snore. Arthur sighs in relief. Then tries again to revive her.

ARTHUR (CONT’D)

Lady Clem?

LADY CLEM

(Snapping awake. Barks)

Don’t interrupt!

(sings)

MUMMY AND DAD PREACHED THAT LIFE’S

LIKE A SONG

THEY COMPLAINED “LIFE’S SO SHORT”

THEY WERE EVER SO WRONG

LOOK AT ME YOU’LL SEE

LIFE’S TRAGICALLY LONG

WHEN YOU’VE ONE FOOT IN

OH, HOW YOU’LL WISH IT WERE TWO

WHEN YOU

HAVE ONE FOOT

IN THE GRAVE

ARTHUR

I am so sorry, Lady Clem.

LADY

Fat lot of good that does me.

ARTHUR

Well, I’ve brought something that might help!

LADY CLEM

Really? What?

ARTHUR

It is the very latest cure for Gout.

Arthur produces the bon-bonnierre. Lady Clem twitters with excitement and accepts the box from him.

LADY CLEM

Oh, you dear, dear, dear, dear child!

(She opens the box)

Oooh! It looks like a little bon-bon! A delightful little bon-bon. I shall take it immediately!

(barks to the wings)

Rolph!!

ROLPH (O.S.)

Yes, madam?

LADY CLEM

Water!!

ARTHUR

(Stricken at the thought of watching her take the pill)

You’re going to take it now?

LADY CLEM

Certainly, my boy! You don’t want to sit there and watch me suffer, do you?

ARTHUR

(alarmed)

NO!

(covering with sympathy)

I mean…no. Of course not.

LADY CLEM

I should think not.

Rolph shuffles in empty-handed.

ROLPH

You called, madam?

LADY CLEM

Oh, for heavens’s sake! I said water!!

ROLPH

Very good, madam.

He starts to go.

LADY CLEM

Oh, don‘t bother. Just give me your flask.

ROLPH

I beg pardon, madam.

LADY CLEM

Your flask, your flask. I know you have one! Nothing but drink can explain your sloth.

He sheepishly produces a flask from inside his coat. She grabs it from him.

ARTHUR

(to Rolph)

Who can blame you?

LADY CLEM

To life!

She raises the bon-bonniere to her mouth.

ARTHUR

Wait!!!

Arthur snatches it away.

LADY CLEM

What on earth for?

ARTHUR

I nearly forgot! It’s a special sort of medicine. You really are only supposed to take it when an attack of the Gout hits – that’s what the apothecary said.

(a terrifying thought occurs)

You’re not having an attack at the moment?

LADY CLEM

No.

ARTHUR

Thank god. I mean, thank god. No, you see, you wait until you feel the attack coming on and then pop it into your mouth. It should work almost at once.

He hands the bon-bonniere back to her. She regards it with awe.

LADY CLEM

Almost at once!

ARTHUR

When do you think you might have an attack?

LADY CLEM

Lord only knows. It might be an hour from now.

ARTHUR

(delighted)

Really?

(covering)

Terrible.

LADY CLEM

Then again it might be weeks and weeks.

ARTHUR

(horrified)

Weeks and weeks? But the wedding is in a fortnight!

LADY CLEM

What has your wedding to do with my Gout?

ARTHUR

Good grief! Perhaps you should take it now…

LADY CLEM

But, the apothecary…

ARTHUR

Right! The apothecary. Damn.

He takes the flask from Lady Clem and drinks deeply.

ARTHUR (CONT’D)

I really must be taking my leave.

LADY CLEM

But you only just arrived!

ARTHUR

Yes, but you see, Sybil…I…I am to dine with Sybil. And her parents. I must go.

LADY CLEM

Yes, why sit here and look at my old bones when you have fresh meat like Sybil? Go! Go! I’m no use to anyone anyway.

LORD ARTHUR

(Not hearing her)

Exactly.

ROLPH

Exactly.

LORD ARTHUR

I am so sorry –

LADY CLEM

You certainly are. Shall I write to let you know how the medicine works?

ARTHUR

Yes. Do that.

Arthur leaves the scene. Then returns and gives Rolph his flask back.

ROLPH

Bless you.

Lady Clem’s home slides off.

ARTHUR’S ROOM slides on.

Saunders is waiting at Arthur’s apartment to help him change for dinner at the Merton’s.

ARTHUR

Saunders, I am a fool! — and a coward!

(in a “fool’s” voice)

“Wait until an attack is coming on” Idiot! I simply couldn’t bear to watch.

SAUNDERS

Sir, you did as anyone would have done in the same position. Though at present I cannot think of anyone in the same position.

ARTHUR

Surely doing your duty shouldn’t make one feel so wretched?

SAUNDERS

I suppose it depends on what one considers duty, Sir.

ARTHUR

Sybil! I must think of Sybil and her safety.

SAUNDERS

Of course, Sir.

Arthur

I wish I didn’t feel as if I were a man facing the gallows.

Saunders

Don’t worry, sir. They’ll never notice.

Direct segue to…

Scene Seven

THE MERTON HOME IN LONDON. THAT EVENING.

Arthur and Mr. Merton are enjoying after-dinner brandy and cigars.

MR. MERTON

Good lord! You look as if you’re facing the gallows.

Arthur chokes on his brandy.

MR. MERTON (CONT’D)

You’re not still worrying about this morning’s episode with Sybil’s hat, are you? Ha ha! Ellie told me what happened. Wish I’d been there! Don’t give it another moment’s thought, Arthur. It’s not as if anyone died! Ha ha!

Arthur has nothing to say. Sybil appears in the doorway.

SYBIL

Father, Mother has gone up to bed with a headache.

MR. MERTON

Well, that’s my cue. Goodnight, children.

Mr. Merton exits. Sybil and Arthur are alone. Arthur is a wreck.

SYBIL

Arthur, dear, won’t you help me dim the lamps?

ARTHUR

(Choking on her name)

Sybil –

SYBIL

(Charmed, she giggles)

Yes – Arthur…

ARTHUR

Sybil…There’s something I need to ask of you. But I’m afraid.

SYBIL

Why?

ARTHUR

Oh, Sybil – Sybil – if only I had the words. But instead I stand here gibbering like an idiot.

SYBIL

Then don’t bother speaking.

She moves in to kiss him. He recoils.

ARTHUR

Stay back!

SYBIL

What?

ARTHUR

I — I — I cannot be responsible for what might happen.

SONG #9: A LITTle while longer

SYBIL

Oh darling. I feel exactly the same. But I know I can rely on your gentlemanly conduct.

(sings)

IT’S A LITTLE WHILE LONGER, MY DEAR

TIL WE’RE

TOGETHER NIGHT AND DAY

SUCH A LITTLE WHILE LONGER

UNTIL YOU CHERISH

AND I OBEY

IT’S A LITTLE WHILE LONGER, MY SWEET

WE’LL GREET

EACH MORNING WITH A KISS

SUCH A LITTLE WHILE LONGER UNTIL WE KNOW

WHAT THEY MEAN BY

WEDDED BLISS

WISH THE TIME WOULD FLY

WISH THE DAY WOULD COME ALREADY

WISH THE CLOCK WOULD RACE

AS QUICKLY AS MY HEART DOES

WHEN I’M IN YOUR ARMS

SO STRONG, SO STEADY

IT’S A LITTLE WHILE LONGER, MY LOVE

ABOVE THE ANGELS

all WILL SMILE

SUCH A LITTLE WHILE, DEAR

’TIL I’m ALL YOURS

ALL YOURS IN A LITTLE WHILE

Arthur

SYBIL

SYBIL

Mmmm?

ARTHUR

DEAREST

SYBIL

Yes?

ARTHUR

SYBIL

SYBIL

What?

ARTHUR

SYBIL

SYBIL

What is it?!

ARTHUR

SYBIL, SYBIL, SYBIL

SYBIL

Arthur!

ARTHUR

SYBIL, MY TREASURE

SURELY YOU KNOW

I WORSHIP YOU

BODY AND SOUL

YOU‘RE THE PICTURE OF GRACE

BUT SYBIL, MY SWEET

PREPARE YOURSELF, PLEASE

THERE’S SOMETHING I HAVE TO CONFESS

AND IT’S HIGH-TIME I FACE IT

WHAT I HAVE TO SAY

ALL NIGHT I’VE BEEN DREADING

DESPITE OUR DESIRES

WE MUST DELAY

THE WEDDING

SYBIL

Oh, Arthur! But, why?

ARTHUR

That I cannot tell you.

SYBIL

For how long?

ARTHUR

I only wish I knew. But…

(sings)

TRUST ME

WON’T YOU TRUST ME

AS YOU MUST KNOW I’D TRUST YOU

AND WAIT A

LITTLE WHILE LONGER, YOU’LL SEE

SYBIL

(sing-crying)

HUH, HUH, HUH

ARTHUR

WE’LL BE TOGETHER

NIGHT AND DAY

SYBIL

HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH

ARTHUR

BUT IT’S A LITTLE WHILE LONGER

THAN WE HAD PLANNED

AND THAT’S ALL I CAN SAY

SYBIL

HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH

ARTHUR

A VERY LITTLE WHILE LONGER, MY SWEET

SYBIL

A LITTLE WHILE

ARTHUR

OUR FEET

WILL MARCH US DOWN THE AISLE

SYBIL

HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH

ARTHUR

YES, IT’S A LITTLE WHILE LONGER

BUT PROMISE ME YOU’LL BE STRONG

SYBIL

STRONG

ARTHUR

THROUGH THIS TRIAL

SYBIL

I’LL BE STRONG, DEAR

ARTHUR

WISH THE TIME WOULD FLY

SYBIL

Waaa-aaa-ahhhhhhh!

ARTHUR

WISH THE DAY WOULD COME ALREADY

WISH THE CLOCK WOULD RACE

AS QUICKLY AS MY HEART DOES

WHEN I SMELL YOUR HAIR

SYBIL

My hair?

ARTHUR

SO SWEET

SYBIL

So sweet?

ARTHUR

SO HEADY

SYBIL

HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH

HUH, HUH, HUH

HUH, HUH

ARTHUR

A LITTLE WHILE LONGER, MY LOVE

ABOVE THE ANGELS

ALL WILL SMILE

A LITTLE WHILE LONGER

SYBIL

LITTLE WHILE LONGER

TOGETHER

YOURS

IN A LITTLE WHILE

Lights crossfade to…

Scene Eight

REGGIE’S YACHT IN THE MEDITERRANEAN. A WEEK LATER

Reggie strums a Braguina (ukulele) on his yacht at sea in the Mediterranean.

SONG #10: ALL I DESERVE

The boat is packed with people drinking, laughing, and dancing. Reggie is in his element but flashing aggravated looks at Arthur, whose gloom threatens to spoil the party atmosphere.

Saunders serves canapés to the crowd.

SAUNDERS

(proffers the tray)

Canapé, Sir?

ARTHUR

Why eat? I can’t taste a thing.

SAUNDERS

Perhaps a swim, sir, might lighten your mood?

ARTHUR

I don’t want my mood lightened. Saunders, what sort of a coward murders a poor, harmless old woman?

Saunders

Sir, no-one in their right mind would describe Lady Clementina as either poor or harmless.

Arthur

But that doesn’t mean she deserves to…

(he can’t say it)

…you know. Oh, what have I done?

Saunders

If I understand your motive correctly, Sir, you’ve merely taken action to keep your fiancé safe. And it’s not as if Lady Clem was going to live forever.

Arthur

I suppose not.

Saunders

I do have something that may cheer you, Sir. The post arrived earlier today. There’s a letter, from —

Arthur spots the letter in Saunders hand and seizes it..

Arthur

Sybil!

(as he scans the letter)

She says she’s well, but her mother is getting restless.

Saunders

Certainly no more restless than you, sir.

Arthur

(forlorn)

Oh, Sybil…

(sings)

DRIFTING, DARLING, WORLDS AWAY FROM YOU

THEY TELL ME UP ABOVE

THE SKY IS BLUE

LONG AS YOU’RE NOT HERE

TO CHEER ME

BLUE SKIES FILL WITH FOG

AND IT’S ALL I

ALL I DESERVE

Reggie has a sign in hand which he hangs around Arthur’s neck. It says, “Worst Guest Ever”.

ARTHUR (CONT’D)

HERE I LOITER, LIGHT YEARS FROM YOUR GLOW

GENTLEMEN

IT’S ALL YOU DESERVE

ARTHUR

THEY SAY THE SUN SHINES HOT

I WOULDN’T KNOW

GENTLEMEN

IT’S ALL YOU DESERVE

ARTHUR

LONG AS WE’RE APART

THIS HEART OF MINE

IS COLD AS ICE

AND IT’S ALL I, ALL I

REGGIE, SAUNDERS, CAPTAIN

ALL YOU

ALL

DESERVE

ARTHUR

WITHOUT YOU

MY LOFTY BED OF DOWN

SEEMS HARD AS BOARD

AND BARBED WITH NAILS

WITHOUT YOU THE WIND GOES

RIGHT OUT OF MY

ARTHUR/GENTLEMEN

FLOBBY, SLOBBY SAILS

ARTHUR

YOU’RE HOME, LONESOME, MY SOUL’S LOST AT SEA

GENTLEMEN

IT’S ALL YOU DESERVE

ARTHUR

THEY SWEAR IT’S HEAVEN HERE

BUT NOT FOR ME

GENTLEMEN

IT’S ALL YOU DESERVE

AHHHH

ARTHUR

LONG AS I CAN’T SPY YOUR bright SMILE

I’M HOLED UP IN HELL

AND IT’S ALL I

GENTLEMEN

ALL YOU

ARTHUR

ALL I/YOU DE…

Saunders, peering through a telescope, points out to sea.

SAUNDERS

The launch! Sir, the launch! It looks to be a telegram!

The launch arrives. A telegram is handed down the line until it reaches Reggie.

REGGIE

I’ll take that.

MUSIC OUT.

Reggie (cont’d)

After all, it is my boat!

(he reads)

Well, that’s damned inconvenient, I must say.

ARTHUR

What is?

REGGIE

(calls off)

Raise the anchor! We’re going home.

(to Arthur, petulantly)

Our second cousin, Lady Clementina, has gone and kicked the bucket.

Arthur looks at Saunders and starts to laugh in spite of himself.

Arthur

Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha…

SAUNDERS

(admonishing)

Oh, Sir.

Arthur can’t help himself. His laughter grows. He dances joyously, laughing wildly and hugging everyone in sight. Saunders turns to Reggie.

SAUNDERS (CONT’D)

Sorry. He’s not himself these days.

REGGIE

I quite understand how he feels. Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, when–ever they go. Ha ha ha…

Everyone laughs. ALL DANCE.

ARTHUR

RING THOSE WEDDING BELLS

I’M COMING HOME

FROM MY DARLING’S ARMS

I’LL NEVER ROAM

DONE MY DUTY

PLAYED MY PART

NOW MY HEART WILL SING

AND IT’S ALL I

ALL

ALL YOU

EVERYONE

ALL I/YOU DESERVE

ARTHUR

CALL THE FLORIST

BUY THOSE BAGS OF RICE

DANCE RIGHT DOWN THE AISLE

AND DON’T THINK TWICE

TELL THE BAKER

GREASE THE PANS

BE THERE IN A THRICE

AND IT’S ALL I

ALL

ALL YOU DE…

DANCE.

Segue to…

Scene Nine

DREARY DAY IN LONDON. A WEEK LATER. LADY CLEM’S FUNERAL.

SOMBER ORGAN MUSIC accompanies the funeral ceremony in progress upstage in silhouette. They’re burying Lady Clem. Bells toll.

Sybil enters. She and Arthur face each other DS. Though the occasion is sad, it is clear they are thrilled to see one another. The MINISTER intones in the background…

Minister

We commend our dearly beloved to the bosom of the earth. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Amen.

ARTHUR AND SYBIL

(singing)

WITHOUT YOU THE HOURS DRAGGED BY UNTIL I THOUGHT

I’D RATHER DIE THAN LIVE

WITHOUT YOU

THE UNIVERSE HAS NOTHING BUT

HOLY WOE TO GIVE

SYBIL

Oh, Arthur. Say that nothing will keep us apart again.

ARTHUR

Nothing and no-one will ever come between us again.

The EXECUTOR OF LADY CLEM’S ESTATE steps between them with briefcase and a key. Reggie watches.

EXECUTOR

Lord Arthur Savile?

ARTHUR

Yes?

EXECUTOR

I have been directed to give you this.

ARTHUR

What is it?

EXECUTOR

The key to Lady Clementina’s flat. She has bequeathed everything she owned to you.

He exits.

REGGIE

Rotten luck, old man. Glad it’s you and not me. It’ll be a job going through the old bag’s rubbish. Sorry, Sybs – the old dear’s things.

Direct segue to…

Scene Ten

LADY CLEM’S FLAT.

They all take in the mess.

SYBIL

Oh, my.

REGGIE

Well, I’ll leave you to it.

Reggie exits. Sybil and Arthur scan the piles of dusty bric-a-brac.

ARTHUR

(upbeat)

This won’t take long, sweet. Not too long. I’ll start on the bookshelf and you do the desk. And when we’re done, it’s off to order our cake, eh?

SYBIL

For the Sunday after next?

ARTHUR

The Sunday after next!

They begin to organize. Sybil picks up the poison-pill box from the desk and examines it.

SYBIL

Oh! Arthur! Look at this sweet little silver bon-bon box. Isn’t it lovely?

ARTHUR

I gave that to her myself.

SYBIL

Oh, but it’s beautiful.

ARTHUR

Would you like it?

SYBIL

Darling! Thanks, awfully.

(she opens it)

Ooh – and may I have the little bon-bon too?

Arthur stops his sorting.

ARTHUR

The what?

SYBIL

The bon-bon.

ARTHUR

(in a panic)

Let me see that!

MUSIC SWELLS. Arthur takes the box from her and lifts the bon-bon out, thunderstruck.

ENSEMBLE (0.S.)

AND IT’S ALL YOU, ALL YOU

ALL YOU DESERVE

DESERVE

DESERVE

Lights iris down to the bon-bon, then out.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Scene One

Sybil’s room in the merton home. THE EVENING after THE FUNERAL

All is dark.

MRS. MERTON (O.S.)

(A scream from offstage)

Aaaaahhh!!

SONG #11: ENOUGH

Lights up on THE MERTON HOME. Mrs. Merton enters on a tirade. Sybil and Mr. Merton follow.

MRS. MERTON (O.S.)

(sings)

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!

ENOUGH WITH HIS EXCUSES

HE’S PROVED HIMSELF A NINNY

ENOUGH WITH THE ABUSES TO OUR PRIDE

ENOUGH WITH HIS ATONEMENT

HE PROMISED ONE POSTPONEMENT

BUT WHEN HE MADE THAT PROMISE

HE LIED

I’VE HAD ENOUGH

OF THIS BACKING AND FORTH-ING

IF HE TRULY WANTS TO WED YOU

WHY NOT SIMPLY WED?

I’VE SAID ENOUGH

BUT I’LL TELL YOU THIS ONE MORE THING

IF I DROP DEAD FROM SHAME

IT’S ON HIS HEAD

ENOUGH HUMILIATION

WE’VE BEEN LAUGHING STOCKS ALL SEASON

THE TALK AT EVERY PARTY IS OUR PLIGHT

ENOUGH WITH BEING DOCILE

THE INDIGNITY’S COLOSSAL

REASON SAYS I’M RIGHT TO SAY

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH

YOU’LL BE AN OLD MAID

BEFORE THE YEAR IS OUT

YOU’RE NEARLY TWENTY NOW

YOU CANNOT WAIT FOREVER

YOU’LL BE A SPINSTER

IT’S TRUE WITHOUT A DOUBT

IT’S PLAIN TO SEE THE BOY INTENDS

TO WED THE TWELFTH OF NEVER

NEVER

I HAVE NO PATIENCE

FOR ALL HIS FOL-DE-ROLL

HE’S LOST HIS MIND

IF HE BELIEVES HE’LL CALL ME MOTHER

LET’S WAIT A MONTH’S TIME

WE’LL SEE HIM SCRAPE AND CRAWL

BY THEN, MY DEAR

NO DOUBT, NO FEAR

I’M SURE YOU’LL HAVE ANOTHER

ANOTHER

ENOUGH WITH JIBBER-JABBER

YOU WILL BREAK IT OFF COMPLETELY

WE’VE NO GOOD EXPLANATION FOR DELAY

ENOUGH WITH YOUR COMPASSION

UNDERSTANDING’S OUT OF FASHION

SWEETLY, SOFTLY SAY TO HIM

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH

MUSIC segues.

SONG #12: MY HEART

SYBIL

Mother…

MRS. MERTON

Not a word!

MR. MERTON

Ellie. Let her speak.

SYBIL

(sings)

WOULD YOU TRULY ASK ME

TO TURN MY BACK ON MY HEART

ASK ME TO IMAGINE

A LIFE WITHOUT ARTHUR

OH, HOW DO I START

Do YOU TRULY want ME

TO TURN MY HEART INTO STONE

ASK ME TO DESERT HIM

DECEIVE HIM AND TELL HIM

I’LL LEAVE HIM ALONE

HE IS MORE THAN MY LOVE

HE’S MY FRIEND

EVERY CHOICE THAT HE MAKES

I DEFEND

TO THE END

ASK ME TO FORGET HIM

YOU MIGHT AS WELL ASK ME

TO STOP THE BEATING OF MY HEART

Mr. Merton embraces her. Mrs. Merton cries. Fade out.

Abrupt segue to…

Scene Two

THE STREETS OF LONDON. LATE EVENING FOLLOWING THE FUNERAL

Arthur is “in the gutter” once again, tearing at his hair.

SONG #13: WHAT DO I DO? REPRISE 2 (NOW “FAILURE”) (No demo)

ENSEMBLE (O.S.)

FAILURE

YOU’RE A FAILURE

FAILURE

YOU’RE A FAILURE, YOU’RE A FAILURE

YOU’RE A FAILURE

LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR

LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR

LORD ARTHUR, LORD ARTHUR —

Igor and his Comrades approach unnoticed, as in Act One.

IGOR

Lord Arthur?

ARTHUR

Aaaugh!!!!! How do you keep doing that?

IGOR

This is second time we find you in gutter so.

A Comrade

He is sniping! Yes?

All Comrades

(Ad lib. Laughing)

Ha Ha. Guttersniping. It is very funny. I get the joke. Always funny, no? Etc…

Igor

(to Comrades)

Quiet! Is not funny anymore. Is too late.

ARTHUR

Oh, Igor. I’ve lost her for good this time.

IGOR

You speak of the girl you are to be tying in knots?

ARTHUR

We’ll never get married and it’s all my fault.

IGOR

Why you saying this thing?

ARTHUR

I had a simple task. That’s all. One simple task, and I’ve failed. It isn’t easy finding out you’re not the man you think you are.

IGOR

This is nonsense. You are exactly the man you think you are. Any man can be master of his destiny if he’s putting mind to it. Believe me. I am revolutionary. Fighting for what I believe in is my stack of trays.

Arthur lets the malaprop go with a shake of his head.

IGOR (CONT’D)

Lord Arthur –

ARTHUR

Arthur, please –

IGOR

Yes. Arthur, please.

SONG #14: WHAT MADE ALEXANDER GREAT

IGOR (CONT’D)

Think of all the men before you who have changed the courses of the world. Was it easy? No! But they remember always to fight for what they want. This girl, this –

ARTHUR

Sybil?

IGOR

Yes. I am thinking you want her very much.

ARTHUR

More than anything.

IGOR

Then it is for her you must be fighting!

(turns to his Comrades)

Yes?

COMRADES

Yes! Of course! Ya! (etc.)

IGOR

(sings)

THE GREATEST MEN IN HIST’RY

IN COMMON THEY HAve ONE THING

FOR WHAT THEY WANTED THEY WOULD FIGHT

IN ORDER TO BE WINNING

THEMSELVES THEY MUST BELIEVE IN

EVEN WHEN THEY WERE NOT RIGHT

(spoken)

Yes?

COMRADES

Yes!

IGOR

(sings)

THAT’S WHAT MADE ALEXANDER GREAT

THAT’S WHY HIS NAME WE CELEBRATE

THAT’S WHAT MADE ALEXANDER GREAT

AND HIS RIVALS HATE HIM SO

ARTHUR

But I’m not Alexander the Great. I’m just…me.

IGOR

Arthur. You must think bigger!

(sings)

NAPOLEON He WAS TEENSY

BUT THIS GAVE HIM NO WORRY

HE SAW HIMSELF AS TEN FEET HIGH

HE TOLD HIMSELF, “I’M MIGHTY!

FOR ME THE FRENCH SHOULD FIGHTY”

EVEN THOUGH THIS WAS A LIE

(spoken)

Yes?

ARTHUR & COMRADES

Yes!!

IGOR

THAT’S WHAT MADE NAPOLEON GREAT

ARTHUR & COMRADES

THAT’S WHAT MADE NAPOLEON GREAT

IGOR

THAT’S WHY HIS NAME WE CELEBRATE

ARTHUR & COMRADES

THAT’S WHY HIS NAME WE CELEBRATE

IGOR

THAT’S WHAT MADE NAPOLEON GREAT

ARTHUR & COMRADES

MADE NAPOLEON GREAT

ALL

AND HIS RIVALS HATE HIM SO

IGOR

GENGHIS KHAN AND HENRY EIGHT WERE CRAZY, YES

BUT NEVER BACKING DOWN

THE MAN WHO WILL NOT STICK HIS GUN

HE IS MAN WHO’S BEING A CLOWN

(spoken)

Are you a clown?

ARTHUR

Yes! No!

IGOR

Arthur, please to not be so much the wishy-washy boy.

(sings)

NO MATTER IF YOU’RE FAILING

some COMFORT YOU’LL BE TAKING

In KNOWING THAT YOU FOUGHT TO WIN

AND ALWAYS YOU BELIEVING

THAT SACRIFICE IS NOBLE

SURRENDER IS THE GREATEST SIN

Yes?

Comrades

Yes!!

Igor

THAT’S WHAT MADE ALL THE GREAT MEN GREAT

COMRADES

THAT’S WHAT MADE ALL THE GREAT MEN GREAT

IGOR

That’s why their names we celebrate

COMRADES

That’s why their names we celebrate

IGOR

THAT’S WHAT MADE ALL THE GREAT MEN GREAT

ARTHUR & COMRADES

ALL THE GREAT MEN GREAT

ALL

AND THEIR RIVALS, rivals

Curse them, curse them

Rivals, rivals…

Curse and hate the so,

Hey!

THEY DANCE, stomping, kicking and working themselves into a frenzy of machismo.

After the dust clears…

Igor

THINK OF ATTILA THE HUN

ARTHUR

Attila?

IGOR

WAS HE SORRY FOR THE

PEOPLES HE WOULD SACK?

COMRADES

Niet! Of course not! Never! (etc)

IGOR

NO, HE TOOK ACTION

AND SATISFACTION

IN EVERY BRUTAL, SNEAK ATTACK

IGOR & COMRADES

(speaking)

Attack!

IGOR

(singing)

THINK OF THE VIKINGS OF OLD

ARTHUR

Vikings!

IGOR

DID THEY WORRY THAT IT

MIGHT BE WRONG TO LOOT?

COMRADES

No! Niet! Uh-uh! (etc)

IGOR

NO, THEY WERE RUTHLESS

Comrades

Ruthless!

Igor

and NEVER TOOTHLESS

Comrades

Not Toothless!

Igor

AND IF YOU STOOD BETWEEN THEM

AND THEIR PRIZE

YOU’D FEEL THEIR VIKING BOOt

They gather in formation, dancing slowly at first, then picking up speed.

IGOR (CONT’D)

NO MATTER IF YOU’RE FAILING

ARTHUR & COMRADES

Hey!

IGOR

some COMFORT YOU’LL BE TAKING

ARTHUR & COMRADES

Hey!

IGOR

In KNOWING THAT YOU FOUGHT TO WIN

ARTHUR & COMRADES

FOUGHT TO WIN!

IGOR

AND ALWAYS YOU BELIEVING

ARTHUR & COMRADES

Hey!

IGOR

THAT SACRIFICE IS NOBLE

ARTHUR & COMRADES

Hey!

IGOR

SURRENDER IS THE GREATEST SIN

ARTHUR & COMRADES

SURRENDERING’S A SIN

ARTHUR

AH…

IGOR

THAT’S WHAT MADE ALL THE GREAT MEN GREAT

COMRADES

THAT’S WHAT MADE ALL THE GREAT MEN GREAT

IGOR

EVEN WHEN DYING WAS THEIR FATE

COMRADES

EVEN WHEN DYING WAS THEIR FATE

ARTHUR

AH, AH, AH

IGOR

THAT’S WHAT MADE ALL THE GREAT MEN GREAT

ARTHUR & COMRADES

ALL THE GREAT MEN GREAT

ALL

AND THEIR RIVALS

CURSE AND HATE THEM SOooooooooooo

THAT’S WHAT MADE THEM GREAT!

(shouted)

YES!!!

They slap each other on the backs, laughing and reveling in their manliness.

IGOR

So, what is this simple task you have been failing to perform?

Arthur looks uncomfortably at Igor’s Comrades who are listening intently.

ARTHUR

I…really shouldn’t say.

IGOR

Ah! I understand.

(to Comrades)

Go! Tell mamen’ka I come soon! And save me a knish!

COMRADES

Ok! Da! Konechno! (etc)

Comrades exit.

IGOR

So. Now we talk, man to man. This thing you must do…Is it having to do with love?

Arthur looks around and lowers his voice.

ARTHUR

It is having to do with murder.

IGOR

Ah! You have my interest! And who is this murderer?

Arthur indicates himself. Igor is impressed.

IGOR (CONT’D)

You?!

ARTHUR

No, no. Don’t overestimate me. As a murderer I’m an utter disgrace.

IGOR

You’re being so hard on yourself, Arthur. To be good at anything, one must practice, yes?

ARTHUR

I never thought of it that way.

IGOR

May I ask, what is your method?

ARTHUR

Well, I tried poison, but I muddled it.

IGOR

Oh. No, no. Not poison. It is nasty business. Too slow. And all the foaming at the mouth. Undignified. Please…May I be offering to you my professional opinion?

ARTHUR

I would be most appreciative.

IGOR

A bomb. Yes? Kaboom! – in a flash, your problem’s being solved. It is quick, it is empathetic!

ARTHUR

Emphatic?

IGOR

That is what I said. And I can get one for you wholesale.

ARTHUR

That’s very kind of you, but who would I kill? I have no enemies.

IGOR

Naturally. Only great geniuses has enemies. But even man of no genius has someone to dislike.

ARTHUR

I can’t think of anyone.

The Dean of Chichester enters.

DEAN

Good God, is that you, Arthur?

ARTHUR

(to himself)

Oh no –

(to Dean)

Uh, yes. Uncle John.

DEAN

My dear boy, you look dreadful. Whatever are you doing in the gutter? Let me help you up. Take my arm.

Arthur reaches and then hesitates, thinking of the practical joke possibilities.

DEAN (CONT’D)

(Off Arthur’s hesitation)

Come, come, give me some credit. Do you think I’d play a prank on you when I find you thus?

ARTHUR

(Relieved)

Of course not.

Arthur grabs the proffered hand and pulls. The Dean’s arm rips off.

ARTHUR (CONT’D)

Auuughh!!!!

The Dean laughs uproariously. Arthur is trying not to gag at the sight of the bloody arm in his hand. Once again, Igor hands Arthur his hankie.

DEAN

You never do get wise, do you my boy?

Igor takes the fake arm from Arthur and thrusts it at the Dean.

IGOR

Please to be taking your funny stump. I do not care for this way you treat my friend the Lord Arthur.

DEAN

Don’t be a fool. Arthur knows the Good Lord loves a laugh – don’t you, my boy? Well, I’m off!

He exits.

IGOR

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Arthur nods.

ARTHUR/IGOR

(together)

Kaboom.

Igor brandishes a business card.

IGOR

Guard this well. To Scotland Yard, this is the pot of gold for a leper.

Arthur

Sorry?

Igor

It is like gold. In a leper’s pot.

Arthur

Gold in a leper’s pot? Oh! You mean a Leprechaun’s pot of gold!

Igor

Yes! That is what I said.

SONG #14a: WHAT MADE ALEXANDER GREAT UNDERSCORE

Igor (cont’d)

It’s the address of one Herr Winckelkopf, bomb maker to the elite of the revolutionary underground.

As Igor speaks, Arthur follows his directives to the next scene.

IGOR (CONT’D)

It is very simple to find. First you make your way down Greek Street, through the archway at the south end of Bayle’s Court, past the French Laundry and under the maze of clothes-lines stretching from house to house in the tiny cul-de-sac. Soon you will arrive at a little green door at the end of the lane.

Scene Three

HERR WINCKELKOPF’S LAIR. That NIGHT.

Arthur steps up to the green door and knocks. The neighborhood is dingy and dangerous. GUNTHER, an angry little creature of a man, enters through the gloom, hollering.

GUNTHER

(heavy German accent)

Yah?! Coming!! I’m coming!!

(he opens the door irritably)

Vat do you vant?!

Arthur is taken aback.

ARTHUR

Uh…I, uh…

GUNTHER

(impatient and angry)

Vat iss your business here?!!

ARTHUR

I’m sorry. I’m here to see Herr Winckelkopf.

Arthur hands Gunther the card Igor gave him. Gunther looks at it, grabs Arthur unpleasantly and pulls him inside. He looks up the street suspiciously, then comes inside and shuts the “door”.

GUNTHER

(shouting off)

Customer!

Gunther scuttles off into the darkness. Arthur is alone onstage.

Suddenly, a harsh light – like a klieg light – blazes in Arthur’s face. He shield’s his eyes trying to see who’s approaching. After a moment, a menacing HERR WINCKELKOPF enters in stark silhouette. He’s chewing on a chicken bone. He’s seems to be a very menacing German.

HERR WINCKELKOPF

You interrupted my supper.

ARTHUR

I’m terribly sorry…

HERR WINCKELKOPF

What is wrong with you? Are you lost?

ARTHUR

(shaken)

No. I’m…Igor Ivanovich referred me to you and…I am anxious to have a short interview with you on a matter of business. My name is, uh…Smith. Mr. Robert Smith, and I want you to supply me with an exploding device. A…a bomb.

HERR W.

I know who you are, Lord Arthur Savile. Don‘t look so alarmed. It is my duty to know everybody. I remember seeing you one evening at the Merton’s. I hope your fiancé is taking your postponement well.

ARTHUR

She is, thank you. Um…I’m sorry. Would you mind putting out that light? It’s hard to see your face.

HERR W.

Forgive me. We don’t get many visitors here.

(he yells off left)

Gunther! Schloss die Tür!

GUNTHER (O.S.)

OK!!

The light goes out. What remains is gloom.

HERR W.

Are you hungry? Come, join me. I have an excellent paté. And the wine is superb.

ARTHUR

Oh. Um…thank you.

Lights up on THE DINING ROOM. Herr W. and Arthur cross to the table and sit. Winckelkopf pours wine and eats. Arthur watches.

HERR W.

So. An exploding “device” you say? Do you wish to intimidate or terminate?

ARTHUR

Oh…to, uh…te, uh..ter…

HERR W.

Terminate.

(Arthur nods, relieved)

May I ask for whom it is intended? If it is for the police, I am afraid I cannot do anything for you. I find that by relying on their stupidity, we can do exactly what we like. I could not spare one of them.

ARTHUR

I assure you that it has nothing to do with the police at all. In fact, the device is intended for the, uh…

(looks around, then lowers his voice)

The Dean of Chichester.

HERR W.

Mein Gott! I had no idea you felt so strongly about religion, Lord Arthur.

ARTHUR

I’m afraid you overrate me, Herr Winckelkopf. The fact is, I know nothing about theology.

HERR W.

So, it is merely that the man is a swine?

ARTHUR

Something like that.

HERR W.

Very well. What kind of a device do you fancy?

SONG #15: MITT DE BOOM

HERR W. (CONT’D)

(a sparkle in his eye)

I have many.

(sings)

I LIKE TO PLAY

MITT DE BOOM

UNT DE BANG

IT KEEPS ME A LITTLE BOY AT HEART

CAN’T KEEP AWAY

FROM DE ZOOM

UNT DE ZANG

SETS YOUR BRAIN RACING

GETS YOUR PULSE STARTED

I ALWAYS SAY

IF YOU DO

WHAT YOU LOVE

IT’S MORE THAN A JOB IT’S AN ART

SO MY DOGGED DEVOTION

IS TO MAKE A SWEET EXPLOSION

CAUSE IT KEEPS ME A LITTLE BOY AT HEART

MY PAPA MADE DE BOMB

MY MAMA MADE DE BOMB

MY BOOBBI AND MY BUBBI WHEN THEY LIVE

THEY MADE DE BOMB

THEY TEACH ME ALL THEY KNOW

THEY SMILE AS I GROW

THEY TEACH ME YOU DO NOT FORGET

WHERE YOU’RE FROM

WE WERE DE MERRIEST FAMILY

DE WINCKELKOPF TRADITION’S SO STRONG

DO WHAT YOU ADORE

UNT ALL THROUGH YOUR DAYS UNT YOUR NIGHTS

YOU’LL BE SINGING

DIS HAPPY LITTLE SONG

I LIKE TO PLAY

MITT DE BOOM

UNT DE BANG

KEEPS ME A LITTLE BOY AT HEART

CAN’T KEEP AWAY

FROM DE ZOOM

UNT DE ZANG

SETS YOUR BRAIN RACING

GETS YOUR PULSE STARTED

I ALWAYS SAY

IF YOU DO

WHAT YOU LOVE

IT’S MORE THAN A JOB IT’S AN ART

SO MY DOGGED DEVOTION

IS TO MAKE A SWEET EXPLOSION

CAUSE I’M ONLY

PAPA WINCKELKOPF’S LITTLE BOY AT HEART

They move to Winckelkopf’s Geppetto-like workshop.

ARTHUR

(taking in all the “devices”)

Good Lord! Such variety!

Herr W. points out the different models for purchase. Gunther has joined. There is altogether too much joy in blowing things up.

HERR W.

A HAT

GUNTHER

CAN BE A BOMB!

HERR W.

A SHOE

GUNTHER

CAN BE A BOMB!

HERR W.

A STATUETTE OR MINIATURE BAMBOO

GUNTHER

CAN BE A BOMB!

HERR W.

A CUP

GUNTHER

CAN BE A BOMB!

HERR W.

A RAKE

GUNTHER

CAN BE A BOMB!

HERR W.

A LAYER CAKE OR UNDER-COOKED SWISS STEAK

GUNTHER

CAN BE A BOMB!

HERR W.

SING TO DE WINCKELKOPF FAMILY

WE WINCKELKOPFS, WE’RE SUCH A JOLLY THRONG

WORK HAS KEPT US YOUNG

THAT’S WHY ALL OUR NIGHTS UNT OUR DAYS

WE ARE SINGING

THIS HAPPY LITTLE SONG

(speaks)

Take it, Gunther!

GUNTHER

(sings/hollers off key)

I LIKE TO PLAY

MITT DE BOOM

UNT DE BANG

IT KEEPS ME A LITTLE BOY AT HEART

HERR W.

That’s enough. Mein Gott! You sound like a sheep in heat. Go! Make warm the schnitzel.

GUNTHER

OK!!

MUSIC CONTINUES. Gunther exits. Herr W. turns to Arthur who is picking up a French mantle clock.

Arthur

This is a beautiful clock.

Herr W.

Aagh!!

Arthur freezes.

Herr W. (cont’d)

Don’t…move…a muscle.

Herr W. gently removes the clock from Arthur hands.

Herr W. (cont’d)

This is my most powerful explosive to date. I call it a “time bomb.” Get it? Time? Bomb?

Arthur

How does it work?

HERR. W.

(wagging his finger)

Uh, uh, uh. That is a trade secret. You merely tell me the hour you wish it to explode and it will be done. Do you need it for today?

Arthur

Uh, yes. Please.

HERR W.

(shouts to Gunther)

Gunther!

Gunther (os)

Yah?!!

Herr W.

Box!!

Gunther (os)

OK!!

Gunther grabs a box as Herr W. gingerly sets the clock.

Herr W.

And for the hour of explosion?

Arthur

Uh…I…I suppose, noon?

Herr w.

(with surprise)

You will be in Chichester Cathedral by noon?! You have a very fast horse.

Arthur

No, no. The Dean is in London during the summer. He has a home along the river on Upper Thames Street. Number 84.

Herr W.

Gunther! Write that down!

Gunther

Ya! 84! Upper Thames!

Herr W.

You will take it yourself or would you like it delivered?

ARTHUR

You make deliveries?

WINCKELKOPF

Gunther does.

(Gunther re-enters and eyes Arthur angrily.)

He gets grumpy if I don’t let him out now and then. He so adores the little children.

Gunther is growling at Lord Arthur.

ARTHUR

To eat?

WINCKELKOPF

(Laughs)

Ha ha! You make joke! I like you, Lord Arthur!

ARTHUR

(trying to share the laugh)

Ha-ha. I will put it in the post myself.

Herr W.

Very well.

Arthur

(peering over Herr W.’s shoulder)

I say, how exactly does it —

Herr W.

Quiet!

(Now working delicately with the clock mechanism.)

I’m setting the pin to drop on the final stroke of noon today.

ARTHUR

(suddenly)

Wait!

Herr W. jumps. So does Gunther.

Herr W. And Gunther

Aaugh!

Herr W.

Don’t do that!!

Arthur

So sorry. I just thought…perhaps…we can make it for noon tomorrow?

There is now an audible ticking. Herr W. steps ominously away from the ticking clock.

HERR W.

Too late!

(in awed tones)

It is already ticking.

Wide-eyed, hearing the bomb ticking dangerously, Arthur shakes his head.

HERR W. (CONT’D)

(Barking)

Gunther! Pack it up!

Gunther, now in ridiculous protective gear, approaches the ticking bomb. He packs it gingerly for delivery.

Arthur

And for your fee?

Herr W.

No no. I couldn’t possibly accept money from you. Let us just say, this one is for my art.

GUNTHER

(loudly)

The box, she is ready!

HERR W.

Good boy, Gunther! Heal!!

Gunther darts behind Herr W., hiding from the ticking package. Keeping his distance, Herr W. indicates for Arthur to pick up the box.

Herr W. (cont’d)

Now it is up to you, Lord Arthur. Good luck!

Arthur takes the bomb carefully and exits. Herr W. and Gunther sing once more.

HERR W. (CONT’D)

SO MY DOGGED DEVOTION

IS TO MAKE A SWEET EXPLOSION

CAUSE I’M ONLY

BOOBBI WINCKELKOPF’S

LITTLE BABY BOY AT HEART

Herr W. and Gunther begin to dance together.

HERR W. AND GUNTHER

MITT DE BOOM

UNT DE BANG

MITT DE ZOOM

UNT DE KEZANG

KEEPS ME A LITTLE BOY AT HEART

They slam the door and Arthur is left alone with the very audibly ticking bomb.

SONG #16: not so long ago

Arthur

(sings)

Here I stand

In a filthy Little alley

With a Filthy little box

in my filthy little hands

How did I arrive here?

Will this keep her safe?

Is this truly what fate demands

Not so long ago

I was blithely

Self-assured

Not so long ago

The future seemed so bright

Happiness secured

Not so long ago

Days were simple

Fancy free

Not so long ago

I believed my dearest love

Was right in loving me

But can I stand by her side

Once I’ve crossed this line

I walk

Can I take her in my arms

Gaze into her eyes

Once time’s run out

On this fateful clock

He holds the box near his ear to listen to the ticking.

Arthur (cont’d)

Not so long ago

I’d no secrets

To protect

Not so long ago

I was honest and upstanding

Worthy of respect

Who have I become?

In the name of love

I don’t know

But I see I’m not

The man she loved

The man I was

Not so long ago

Direct segue to…

Scene Four

THE BUCKINGHAM MEN’S CLUB. Later that Morning.

The Club regulars build the club around Arthur, who stands stalk still in deep thought.

SONG #17: PROPER POISON REPRISE (BOMB) (no demo)

MEN AT THE CLUB

(O.S.)

The Siren call of the club

Is at its very peak

When gentleman are low

and at their weakest

BOMB, BOMB, BOMB, BOMB

BOMB, BOMB, BOMB, BOMB

The Club Regulars are celebrating, with silly hats, horns and crackers in hand.

They pull on their crackers with a LOUD POP!

Arthur

(thinking the bomb has gone off)

Aaggh!!!

Dr. Smytheson sees Arthur’s reaction.

DR. Smytheson

Good lord, Arthur. You’re on a short fuse today.

Arthur

Sorry. Sorry about that. Sorry.

Dr. Smytheson

What’s this in the box? A present for me?

Arthur

(clutches the box in a panic)

No!

Dr. Smytheson

Well, it is my birthday, don’t you know?

Arthur

No, I didn’t. Happy Birthday, sir.

Dr. Smytheson

Thank you, old boy! Ha ha.

Billy, the Barman, has approached Arthur from behind. He’s opening a bottle of champagne.

The bottle releases the cork with a LOUD POP!

Arthur

(again, thinking the bomb has exploded)

Aagh!!

(Turns to see Billy)

Good God, man! Don’t sneak up on me like that.

Billy

Sorry, Sir! Didn’t mean to startle. May I help with the box?

Arthur

No!!

(softening)

Sorry, Billy. A bit on edge, I’m afraid.

Billy

Not a problem, sir. A drink then?

Arthur

Absolutely. But not champagne. Something stiffer. And make it a double?

Billy

Very good, sir.

As Arthur turns from Billy, he collides with Saunders. Arthur wildly clutches the bomb box.

Arthur

Look out! I say!

(recognizing Saunders)

Saunders?

Saunders

I do beg your pardon, Sir

Arthur

What on earth are you doing here?

Saunders

Miss Sybil came to the flat this morning, sir, in a great deal of distress. It appears Sir Thomas Knight has announced his engagement.

Arthur

What? Engagement?! Saunders, do you realize what that means? Another prediction come true.

Saunders

Sir?

Arthur

First, I lost a distant relative.

Saunders

Lady Clementina?

Arthur

Exactly. And now this announcement about Sir Thomas.

Saunders

I see what you mean, sir. It has put the entire Merton household into quite a state of frenzy. I mean, what with Sir Thomas being a confirmed bachelor, and you and Miss Sybil…well, you know…still without a date. That’s why Miss Sybil was most insistent to see you.

Arthur

No! I cannot see her! Not until this whole nasty business is finished, once and for all.

Saunders

That’s just it, Sir. You see, she was really quite persistent.

Arthur

Yes, well, I’m safe in here, aren’t I? Even she wouldn’t pursue me into a Men’s Club.

Sybil, dressed as a man, has approached.

Sybil

What’s in the box?

Turns angrily to her.

Arthur

(even louder than before)

Nothing!!

(Recognizes Sybil)

Sybil!!

(Sotto voce)

What are you doing here? This is a…men’s club!

Sybil

Why do you think I’m wearing this ridiculous attire? Saunders helped me.

Saunders

She did insist, Sir.

As Arthur turns to Saunders, Sybil takes the box.

Arthur

Aagh!!

Sybil

What is in this box, Arthur?

Arthur

Now…Sybil, please…give that back.

Sybil backs away, still holding the box.

Sybil

Why?

Arthur pursues her cautiously around the room.

Arthur

I…can’t tell you. Just…please!! Give it back to me!

Sybil

Tell me what’s inside.

ARTHUR

It’s a…a….present…for you.

SYBIL

Oh. Lovely. I’ll open it now.

She sets it on the bar and makes to open it.

ARTHUR

No!! It’s a surprise!!

Billy appears behind the bar.

Billy

Shall I deal with it, sir.

Arthur

Please, Billy. Just get it away from her.

(catching himself)

Him! Her-him. Yes. This is an…old friend of mine…Mr. Her-him.

Billy

(nodding to Sybil)

Sir.

Billy exits with the box.

SYBIL

Arthur, you haven’t been to dinner. You barely answer my notes. Why are you avoiding me?

ARTHUR

It is only for your safety that I stay away. It’s awfully difficult for me as well.

SYBIL

It won’t be difficult after tonight.

ARTHUR

Why tonight?

SYBIL

Mother is taking me away.

ARTHUR

What?!!

SYBIL

That’s what I came to tell you. We leave on the evening train to Dover.

ARTHUR

Why on earth would she take you away?

SYBIL

She thinks you’ve come completely unhinged. She says…

Mrs. Merton appears – at home.

Mrs. merton

He’s come completely unhinged! I cannot understand you, Sybil. Arthur has humiliated you and our family and yet you remain devoutly faithful. You’re just like your father, keenly loyal and always forgiving. Fortunately for the both of you I suffer from neither trait. You need a husband. Now! Not a namby-pamby fool who cannot make up his mind. A proper husband.

SYBIL

But I told her I don’t want a proper husband! I want you.

ARTHUR

Darling…

MRS. MERTON

(interrupting)

I am not finished! If, by the end of the day, Arthur cannot commit to a wedding date, I will take my beautiful and eligible daughter to meet the beautiful and eligible young men who are traveling abroad. Perhaps if I cannot convince you to give up on Lord Arthur Savile, they can.

She exits.

SYBIL

Arthur. I have been patient. I have defended you to Mother, to our friends and nearly all of London. But I’m beginning to worry they are right and you do not love me.

ARTHUR

Oh, Sybil, they’re wrong! It’s just —

(pained)

There is something I must do before we wed. And if I tell you what it is, you may not love me anymore.

Sybil

That is impossible. I will never stop loving you. Do you know why?

(Arthur shakes his head)

Song #18: A rare man

Sybil (cont’d)

(Sings)

You are a good man

A man who cares to do what’s right

I’ve never heard a thoughtless word from you

When the dark is looming

You turn and face the light

You are a good man

It’s true

You are a kind man

A man who thinks of others first

Sweet to all you meet, but not for show

You are my example

For even at your worst

You are a kind man

I know

Other men would posture and bluster

While quietly you offered me your heart

Other men would press their advantage

But never you,

I always knew

To trust you from the start

You are a fine man

The only man I’ll ever love

A life spent as your wife is all I need

Why would I look further?

We fit like hand and glove

You are a good man

A kind man

A fine man

You are a rare man indeed

They kiss. The sleeping men have awakened and are watching.

Dr. Smytheson

A-hem.

Sybil bolts, leaving Arthur alone. He assumes a macho stance.

ARTHUR

Nice chap. Love him like a brother.

The men scatter, talking amongst themselves.

Saunders approaches Arthur.

SAUNDERS

I am so sorry, sir. She was quite determined to find you.

ARTHUR

Did you hear what she said, Saunders? She says I’m a good man. What a fool I’ve been.

Saunders

Sir?

Arthur

She trusts me to do what’s right, and it isn’t right to take a life, no matter what the reason. I must end this farce once and for all.

Saunders

I’m so glad to hear you say that, Sir!

Arthur turns to Billy.

Arthur

Billy! I’ll take that box now.

Billy

I took care of it, Sir. Just as you asked.

Arthur

Took care of what?

Billy

The box.

Arthur

What on earth do you mean?!

Billy

I’ve sent it to the address on the top. The Dean of Chichester. Upper Thames, wasn’t it?

Arthur

Good Lord!

Saunders

What is it, Sir? What is in that box?!

Arthur

A bomb!

Saunders

A bo—

Arthur covers Sanders’ mouth.

Arthur

Exactly. And we’ve not a moment to lose! It’s quarter past eleven and that “box” is set to go off at noon!

Saunders

My God!

They exit.

SONG #18A – Proper Poison Bomb

Men sing and dance as they leave the Men’s Club.

Men

Bomb bomb bomb bomb

Bomb bomb bomb bomb

Bomb bomb bomb bomb…

Segue to…

Scene Five

THE DEAN OF CHICHESTER’S FRONT GARDEN. A HALF an HOUR LATER.

Arthur sidles in suspiciously. He’s dressed as a gardener, wearing a terrible beard and mustache and working a pair of pruning sheers. He stops for a moment, pulls out binoculars and looks up at the Dean’s flat.

ARTHUR

Saunders! Psst! Saunders! Where are you hiding? Come out. The coast is clear.

Saunders, also dressed in gardener attire, enters wearing a gas mask and working a pump sprayer.

SAUNDERS

I must say, sir, I feel rather foolish in this get-up.

ARTHUR

No one is watching. Just act naturally.

Saunders

I do wish I understood your plan, Sir.

Arthur

First, we find a way into the Dean’s flat and retrieve that bomb.

Saunders

And then what?

Arthur

I don’t know. But I’m sure it’s not going to be pretty.

Arthur looks through the binoculars again. The Dean and his two creepy daughters enter and approach Arthur and Saunders from behind, unseen.

Saunders

Can you see anything?

ARTHUR

Not a thing. I don’t think anyone is home.

DEAN

Lord Arthur!

ARTHUR

Aaaaah!! Stop doing that!!

(sees it’s the Dean)

Oh! Uncle John.

DEAN

What are you doing in our garden?

ARTHUR

Nothing. Nothing at all. We were just…uh…just pursuing a…butterfly. For my collection. That’s it. Weren’t we Saunders?

SAUNDERS

As you say, sir.

ALICE

But why the disguises?

ARTHUR

Oh. Well…it’s a…very clever butterfly, miss.

(turns to Saunders)

Isn’t that right?

SAUNDERS

(taking the ball and running)

Oh yes, sir. Knows us by sight, he does.

Sybil pops up from behind a nearby bush, eavesdropping.

DEAN

Ah. Murder written all over your face, eh? Ha ha ha! You know, Lucy here is quite the lepidopteran herself.

ARTHUR

Really?

(trying to pronounce)

A lepi…lepidoptoma….

LUCY

You must come up and see my collection.

Alice

Yes! Won’t you come up?

Saunders

We really cannot —

ARTHUR

(pointedly)

Yes! Please!

DEAN

Wonderful. While you’re here, I can show you my latest acquisition.

The Dean and his daughters laugh.

ALICE

Oh, do come up — see the lovely gift someone sent daddy, quite anonymously!

ARTHUR

Gift…?

The girls drag Arthur and Saunders up to the Dean’s apartment.

At a distance, Sybil pursues the group.

Scene Six

THE INTERIOR OF THE DEAN’S FLAT

The Dean lives well. The clock is prominently displayed on a nearby table. There is a pair of double doors leading to a balcony upstage center, overlooking the River Thames.

The Dean and his daughters enter, followed by Arthur and Saunders.

DEAN

Yes. There it is. Strangest thing. Anonymous. Delivered just today.

Arthur

Heavens. What a…beautiful clock. Isn’t that a beautiful clock, Saunders?

Saunders

Absolutely, sir. I would be afraid to even touch a clock that beautiful, Sir.

Dean

Arrived not an hour ago. No Note. Have no idea who sent the thing. Knocked me quite off my feet.

Arthur

Indeed.

Saunders

(to Arthur, starting to panic)

Sir. Look at the time on the clock.

Dean

Yes, it’s nearly noon. Just in time to hear it chime!

Arthur

(getting nervous)

Good Lord. Noon? Already? It must be running fast. Don’t you think it’s running fast, Saunders? Why don’t we reset it?

Saunders

Indeed.

The Dean checks his pocket watch.

Dean

Not at all. It’s right on the dot. Why don’t you wait a minute? It has a lovely tone.

Saunders

(panic rising)

Sir!

Arthur

(speaking faster now)

No. I’m sure it’s running fast. I’ll tell you what. I know a wonderful man in High Street Kensington who works on these clocks. Why don’t I take it to him right away and have it adjusted. Here we go…

Arthur picks up the clock.

Dean

Nonsense. It’s perfectly fine. There’s nothing wrong with that clock.

It starts to CHIME. Outside the French doors, Sybil is climbing up onto the balcony.

Dean (cont’d)

There. You see. It’s started to chime, right on cue.

Saunders

(aside)

Sir? What do we do?

Arthur

I don’t know.

Saunders

(with solemn loyalty)

Give it to me.

He takes it from Arthur.

Arthur

Certainly not!

Arthur takes it back from Saunders.

Dean

I’ll take it. Put it back on the table.

He takes it.

Lucy

Can I have it, Daddy? I want it for my study.

She takes it.

Alice

I said I wanted it. And you told me I could have it next to my bed.

She takes it. The CHIMING CONTINUES.

Saunders

Striking eight, sir!!!

Arthur

Give it to me!

(he takes it from Alice)

Saunders! Open the doors! Into the Thames with it! Quickly!!

Dean

Really, I must protest. There is nothing wrong with that clock!!

Saunders opens the French doors.

Sybil

Arthur!

Arthur throws the clock through the doors into Sybil’s hands. She stumbles backwards, tumbles over the railing and falls off the balcony, out of sight.

Saunders closes the doors.

There is a splash.

Arthur and Saunders

Whew.

Lucy

Who was that man on the balcony?

Arthur realizes what’s happened.

He runs to the doors and throws them open. There’s an EXPLOSION in the river below. Everyone recoils.

Arthur

Noooooooooooo!!!

Song #19: This is life (no demo)

Shift to a macabre light. We are in Arthur’s mind.

All the actors turn on Arthur. They point and sing – they’re the voices in his head.

ENSEMBLE

MURDERER!!!

Arthur

(anguished)

Sybil!!!

Ensemble

You’re a murderer!!!

Murderer!!!

Arthur

Noooooooooooo!!!

ENSEMBLE

YOU’RE A MURDERER!!!!

YOU’RE A MURDERER!!!!

Lord Arthur, Lord Arthur, Lord Arthur

Lord Arthur, Lord Arthur, Lord Arthur

Lord Arthur, Lord Arthur —

Arthur

(to the voices in his head)

Stoooooop!!!

Arthur

I thought I could save her

How I tried, but I failed

Fate wouldn’t be denied

“The man who killed his bride”

that’s how I’ll be remembered

A fitting epitaph

But why would you take her?

As some sick sort of joke?

Are you amused by my plight?
guess the dean was always right

Our puny lives are farce

And the good lord loves a laugh

Arthur

(shouting in anguish at the heavens)

Sybil!! Why Sybil?!!

(sings bitterly)

This is life

Full of stunning surprises

All Twists and turns One cannot foresee

This is life

Now I know

There is only this moment

The moment you realize how bad life can be

This is life

It’s a nauseous endeavor

A raging tide you cannot resist

This is life

In a flash

you may find that your love’s gone for good

And you’re standing alone and un-kissed

This is life

You’ll find

It’s a runaway carriage

A ship with no rudder or wheel

And it’s anyone’s guess

How to get through the mess

What a Rotten ordeal

This is life

This its life

It’s a shoddy proposal

And over in the blink of an eye

This is life

It’s a sham

With disaster awaiting around

every corner So why even try?

Arthur makes his way to the Tower Bridge and climbs over the railing, preparing to jump to his death.

This is life

It’s a joke

Full of misguided numskulls who waste time

On what’s yet to be

And it’s folly to care

It’ll end in despair

And without her

It’s no place for me

Direct segue to…

Scene Seven

THE TOWER BRIDGE.

Another man — Podgers, though we don’t recognize him yet — has entered and is also preparing to jump.

ARTHUR (CONT’D)

Goodbye, cruel world!

PODGERS

Goodbye, cruel world!

ARTHUR

I have done my utmost.

PODGERS

I have done my utmost.

ARTHUR/PODGERS

Endeavored to do my duty as fate would see fit…

Arthur stops and looks over at Podgers, perturbed.

PODGERS

…but I have failed.

ARTHUR

(beyond frustrated)

Do you mind? I’m trying to kill myself.

PODGERS

Well, get on with it. I can’t wait all night.

ARTHUR

(Recognizing him)

You!!!!

PODGERS

(Recognizing Arthur)

You!!!!

Saunders has entered and spots Arthur.

SAUNDERS

Sir!

Arthur looks to Saunders.

Arthur

Saunders??

Podgers peers around Arthur to see Saunders.

Podgers

Saunders??

Both Arthur and Saunders look to Podgers.

Saunders

(seeing Podgers for the first time)

Good God!

(MUSIC OUT)

Freddy Finkle?!

Podgers looks at Saunders with horror.

ARTHUR

What?

PODGERS

Saunders? Snot-Nose Saunders? Is that you?

(He begins to laugh crazily. He’s mad.)

How utterly right you should be here. You were there at the beginning, why not at the end?

ARTHUR

Wait a minute. I thought your name was Podgers. You’re Freddy Finkle?

SAUNDERS

In the flesh.

ARTHUR

So, you can’t actually read palms?

PODGERS

No. Never could.

SAUNDERS

Just as I said, Sir.

Podgers

It doesn’t matter any more. I’m ending it all.

SAUNDERS

Why so low, Freddy? Got found out?

PODGERS

(desperate)

No one wants Cheiromancy anymore. Telepathy’s all the rage now. I’ve debts up to my arse and I’ve no way to cover them. I’m ruined.

ARTHUR

You lied to me?

PODGERS

You paid me to. A tidy sum, I might add.

ARTHUR

And now I’ve lost my Sybil!

Podgers

(mocking)

Oh, boo-hoo. Poor little Lord Arthur doesn’t get everything he wants. You and all the ruling class – you make me sick. Not a care in the world, a charmed life laid out for you from the minute you’re born, yet you turn to someone like me to tell you how much better your future will be. You had it all and now look at you! You’re a fool!

Arthur

You’re right. I am a fool!!!

Reggie

(calling up to Arthur)

Never a truer word was spoke, brother.

BOAT HORN.

Reggie appears below – floating up the river on the bow of his boat.

Reggie (cont’d)

A nattering fool, that’s you.

Arthur

Reggie?

Reggie

Ahoy there! I found something floating in the Thames that may be of interest to you.

Sybil steps out of the boat’s cabin, drenched and draped with sea weed.

ARTHUR

Sybil?!

Sybil

Arthur!

ARTHUR

She’s alive!! Sybil!

(to Saunders)

She’s alive!!!!

Reggie

Another gold star, brother! Of course she’s alive.

Sybil begins to climb the bridge pilings to Arthur.

Sybil

Arthur! Darling!

Arthur

I thought you were dead.

Saunders

All evidence to the contrary, sir!

Arthur

Oh, good fortune!

Arthur moves to help Sybil, but Podgers holds him back.

PODGERS

(maniacally)

Oh no! You don’t get a happy ending! Not if I have anything to say about it!!

They struggle. Podgers loses his balance and falls into the Thames below.

PODGERS

(fading as he plummets)

Aaaaagh!!

A splash.

Then a pause.

Arthur

Good heavens.

Saunders

Good lord.

ARTHUR

I – I think I…

ARTHUR AND SAUNDERS

…pushed him.

Arthur looks down at his palm.

SAUNDERS

Palm reader or no, sir, that does put him at three for three.

Arthur begins to laugh – a little crazily – and Saunders join him.

Arthur

(gaining his composure)

Reggie, send your captain after that gentleman who just went into the river? He may still be alive.

Saunders

But, sir! You don’t mean to help him?!

Arthur

Of course!

(with a wink to Saunders)

What do you take me for, some kind of murderer?

Then…

Sybil

I say, could someone lend me a hand?

Arthur

Yes, of course!

Arthur helps Sybil over the railing to safety. They embrace.

Arthur (Cont’d)

(caressing and kissing Sybil)

Oh, Sybil! You’re here. And all in one piece. How –?

Sybil

Yes, Arthur, Darling, but…I can’t say the same for that clock, I’m afraid. I tried to keep hold of it, really I did, but I lost it on the way down.

Arthur

I don’t care about the clock! You’re alive!

Reggie

(calling from below as he floats away)

You ought to take better care of your things, old boy!

Arthur

(calling back to Reggie)

I certainly will. From this day forward —

(to Sybil)

— for better or for worse. Good lord, you are beautiful.

They kiss.

SONG #20: This is life: reprise (No demo)

ARTHUR (cont’d)

(sings)

This is life

Full of stunning surprises

The twists and turns one cannot foresee

This is life

Now I know

There is only this moment

The moment you realize how grand life can be

Arthur swings Sybil around as the music swells. They dance as the company begins to sing.

Company

AHHHHHH

AHHHHHH

AHHHHHH
AHHHHHH

Arthur and Sybil have danced offstage.

All

This is life

What a joyous confection

Except the times it isn’t and then

It’s just life

Take a breath

Live in each precious moment

It’s over so quickly but who knows just when

This is life

And We’re all of us guessing

Ridiculous, well-meaning and blind

This is life

And for one

I am glad to be living

No time for regretting what I’ve left behind

Arthur and Sybil return dressed in wedding attire.

This is life

Play your hand

It’s a breathtaking gamble

And not for the faint of heart

This is life

What a fright

But oh, A delight

This is life, This is life, This is life

This may be the best part

This is life, This is life, This is life

This is life, This is life, This is life

This is life!

BOWS

Song: just around the corner (no demo)

ALL

NO ONE KNOWS WHAT’S JUST AROUND THE CORNER

WHO CAN SAY WHAT’S WAITING ROUND THE BEND

WHY WASTE YOUR TIME ON WHAT’S AROUND THE CORNER

TODAY IS HERE AND QUITE ENOUGH TO TEND

THERE’S THOSE WHO LIKE TO SAY

THEY KNOW WHAT’S ON THE WAY

DON’T ASK THEM “HOW?” OR “WHY?”

INSTEAD REPLY

NO HONEST MAN

HAS EYES TO SEE

WHAT GOD HAS PLANNED FOR YOU AND ME

NO ONE KNOWS

UNTIL THEY MEET

THEIR END

THE END

Oh, NO ONE KNOWS

What’s waiting ‘round the bend

CURTAIN FALLS

THE END